Oneshots (2) (Standby Only)

Envy x Reader [Drabble]

This is more of a crack drabble but it was also a culmination of my first thoughts when I saw Envy XD XD 

"...And now that you're here those despicable Elric Brothers will have no choice but to make us the rare and powerful Philosopher's Stone!" You blankly stared at the walking palm tree (as you did during this whole hour lecture) before your eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
"So...you aren't a stripper?" He stopped what he was doing, letting out the loudest possible gasp you ever heard, promptly followed by loud laughter and stifled giggling by the other two homunculi.

"Why in the HELL would you think I'm a stripper!?!" He spat with disgust.
"Well I mean...it's kinda obvious..." you shrugged through your rope bindings, Envy glared at you as he began to walk towards you.

"What do you mean by that?" He questioned you, hand on his hip.

"Your clothes man, you pretty much dress like one."
"I'm a shapeshifter, this is the outfit I chose because I like it!" Envy argued, doing a hair flip as he turned to the side, crossing his arms.

"Being a shapeshifter would make you an even better stripper, so let's be honest here, you're not helping your case."

"Haha! She's too funny to eat!" An irk mark grew on the side of his head before he violently turned around.

"I. AM. NOT. A. STRIPPER!" He yelled at you, you tilted your head with a 'boi really face?', already used to these outbursts from Ed when you teased his height.

"If you're not a stripper then...do you know how to lap dance?" You asked, he froze and took a step back, even his face turned a little pink as you began to laugh.
"I think you guys named the wrong homunculi Lust!"
"That is a good one" the Homunculi by the name of Lust chuckled.

"SHUT UP LUST! IT WAS ONE TIME TO PERSUADE THAT SCUMBAG GENIUS TO MAKE THE STONE!"

"There you have it, bam, stripper."
"I'm not a stripper!" Envy yelled at you.

"Hey dude, you choose to wear those clothes in public, you're a shapeshifter and you know how to lap dance, I'd say that makes you a stripper." You counted on your fingers through your bindings, making Envy growl, holding out his hand towards you in a grasping motion, most likely thinking about crushing your windpipe, before he pulled his hand away as he turned to the wall started to yell incoherencies as he began to pound the wall with his enormous strength, cracking it with every hit.
"How do the Elrics even tolerate you?! How?! How?! How?! HOW?!" He let out one last punch before turning to you, anger in his eyes.

"Well my question is why Ed would hire a stripper and not pay them, but honestly what's more surprising is that he swings that way, or did you use your special assets to turn into a girl?"

"THIS ISN'T ABOUT ANY TYPE OF PAYMENT, IT'S ABOUT THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE YOU...YOU LILY LIVERED BRAT!" Envy held up both his hands as they trembled with what you could assume was pure frustration and anger before releasing a scream almost as loud as his gasp from earlier. For a few moments it was quiet as Envy was just breathing, beginning to calm down as his breaths became short and ragged to long and soft. He turned to his fellow homunculi.
"Do...do you guys think I'm a stripper?"

"Well let's be honest here Envy, she does make a fair point about your clothes." Lust commented, tilting her head as she rested her cheek on her pointer finger. In all your life, in all your travels, studies and meetings of different people from all walks of life, you swear you never saw or heard, the look of betrayal or the gasp that came from Envy as he put a hand over his heart like he was physically wounded and it was a sight you would never forget. Your shoulders shook as you tried your best to stifle your laughter, and it worked really well because he didn't react at all to it.

"Those Elrics are taking forever to get here!" Gluttony spoke up, ruining possibly the best moment in your entire life.

"Well, did you leave a note?" You turned to Gluttony, attention diverted from the not-stripper.

"No, but once they see your place they'll know that we were there, after all you put up a good fight." Lust spoke as you deadpanned, "what? Why do you have that look on your face?"
"How long have you known about me for?" You questioned the female homunculi, who thought for a moment before sighing.
"Can't say for sure...but it's been about two weeks." She decided with the firm nod of her head, promptly making you laugh again.

"What? Why're you laughing? Did you come up with more insults?" Envy questioned you suspiciously.

"You...you guys are the worst kidnappers ever! Aww man!" You laughed.
"What do you mean?" Lust asked as you finally began to calm down.

"I'm a reclusive alchemist who spends more time than not by themselves in the woods and even more often I'm not even home, and Ed and Al wouldn't even step foot in my house without knowing that I was home, they already learned that lesson. It'll probably take them like, three months to realize that I'm gone."

"I cannot deal with this for three months! I'll go put the note on the door myself!"
"No, I'll simply carve it into her door the brothers would most likely be able to see that better than any note you put there, me and Gluttony will go. You stay here and watch our prisoner, and remember, she's no use to us if she's dead."

"Yeah, yeah whatever..." Envy muttered as the two left, he walked to the corner of the room and leaned against some crates, letting out a sigh.

"So..." you eyed him up and down, though he was your enemy, even you weren't stupid enough to say that he wasn't good looking. Like those thighs? Damn.

"I have my wallet in my back pocket here...how much for a lap dance?"

"I AM NOT A STRIPPER!"