WAITING FOR THE BEGINNING

50. Where Love Begins

Two hours.  It is unfathomable how life can change in two hours.  From joy to sadness.  From sadness to hopelessness.  From hopelessness to anger.  From anger to hate.  From hate to pain.  From pain to despair.  From despair to forgiveness.  Like the tides of the sea shore, crashing one against the beach until one surrenders to the waves -- to be carried by the ebbs and flow of nature.

Perhaps love itself is a force like the ocean.  With its own seasons.  With its own emotions.  With its own violence.  With its own life, death and continuous renewal.

Two hours after the rehearsal, the wedding party surrounds the happy bride and groom-to-be at the opulent Chinese breakfast.  The round table bubbles with the kind of subdued happiness one ought to have when two well matched families become related by marriage.  The occasion is accented by the unabashed puppy love glances between the betrothed and their hands intertwined.  The conversations drift from marriage to business and plans of grandchildren.  Then it pauses as the elder look at De Yi, encouraging him to make Chen Hua an honest woman.  De Yi nods, thinking how right it should be to marry the woman who is a friend, a good business partner and who has stood by him whilst he chased after love.  Or what he thought to be love.  He turns to Chen Hua, "what kind of ring would you like."  Not so much a proposal.  More like a business negotiation.

Two hours after De Ai's hysteria in the bridal suite, De Yi retells what he knows to be the facts of his romance with Lee Ping Ping.  If one could call it that.  Thinking back to the goodbye five months ago, he cannot remember which one of them called it quits.  Or if his feelings have quit at all.  Its as if knowing Ping Ping has returned brings about a thawing of his heart and he finds that he is not as angry as he believes himself to be.  Nor does he feel as rejected.  The time has allowed that desperation to possess her to mature into a kind of love that is more patient, more kind.  The kind that can wait for someone, or with someone for a life time.  

Two hours after the rehearsal breakfast and having completed her makeup to be the perfect matron of honor, Chen Hua finds herself laughing thru her own tears.  That morning, he presents her the ring - not so much as a token of his affection; but a token of apology. At that moment, she hates him. Yet she hates herself even more.  The man she's admired for so many years is no more than just a fool in love.  No less than, and no more than herself being a fool in love.  She mocks herself for believing that time can change him. That her love can change him.  That the circumstances can change him.  Believing that she will always get what she wants.  For the first time in the near 10 years she's chased after him, she admits defeat and weeps.  Letting the tears wash away her perfect make-up, the facade of pride.

Two hours before her flight, Lee Ping Ping nestles herself in a quiet corner, holding the ticket that seems weightier than just a flimsy piece of paper. It represents freedom and new adventure. It represents old dreams and old promises.  It represents courage and cowardice.  The courage to face the unknown.  The cowardice to runaway from uncertainty.  It represents who she was and who she is about to be.  But is it who she is now? 

The resolve so natural only a few days ago now seems a false bravo.  When she watched Wei Xin disappear from her sight, she felt the finality of the end of a life.  End of a version of herself.  

When she met Lulu, she felt the a unction to begin anew.  To embrace a new version of herself.  Yet that confidence melted away the moment she saw De Yi - as if the rightful ritual of spring had broken thru, revealing the growth hidden underneath the frost.  New buds forming yet not yet fully ready.  The continuation of a life cycle.

Two hours after the wedding ceremony,  De Yi stands in the receiving line, shaking hands with the well wishers - friends, colleagues, families and strangers.  The smiles not quiet reaching his eyes, and the handshake slightly mechanical.  With each one, he hopes for her.  

"Is that a Lee Ping Ping Original?"  Down the line, Lulu grasps De Ai's hand warmly and gasps.   "When did she have time to meet you?"

"How did you know?"  De Ai grips her hand more firmly.  "What do you mean..."

"Oh."  Lulu smiles awkwardly.  "With her pregnancy and her leaving for Paris..."

Two hours after her flight has gone, Lee Ping Ping  stands amidst the travelers. Some coming home. Some going for a visit. Some for business. Some for pleasure. Some to bereave. Some to celebrate.  She looks at the ticket in her hand and realizes that it is a choice.  A chance.

Two hours after the guests have left, De Yi walks down the long hallway towards the elevators. His thoughts have not moved away from the discovery that Ping Ping is seven months pregnant.  The math seems simple enough.  He dares not ask the why's.  The why she didn't tell him.  The why she didn't come to him.  Most importantly, he fears the answer to be because she no longer loves him. Or that she never did.

As he walks past the desolate lobby, he notices the lone figure rising awkwardly from her sitting position.  She must have sat there a while.  Or because she's pregnant.  His steps come to a full stop.  

He waits to be sure she is real.

She waits for her heart to stop racing.

They each take a small but assured step towards each other.

Then she smiles -- her face alight with that same smile he remembers from so long ago.  One full of delight and welcome.  One that is unreserved and trusting.  One that says you are my beloved and I am yours.