WAITING FOR THE BEGINNING

47. Questions with No Answers

Some questions have no answers.

Some questions can only be answered by more questions.

And some questions are rhetorical.

Did I make the right decision?

Lee Ping Ping sits, facing the man deep in the coma.

The only sounds breaking the monotony of the room are Wei Xin's rhythmic breathing and the clicking of her knitting needles.

The doctors and nurses have come to know Lee Ping Ping like a friend. Some smile at her lovingly. Some with pity. Some with admiration.

They all assume she's carrying Wei Xin's child. And she is waiting with desperate hope against all odds for her husband to come out of the coma.

She neither explains nor denies nor confirms.  Her reactions rarely go beyond thank you and a smile. 

The choice was not simple.

That night she packed the small satchel containing her art tools and she held De Yi's hand moving towards the car. More precisely he held onto her hand. 

Then her phone rang.  Only two people had her number and would call her.  De Yi. And uncle Tao Zen.  And the latter would only be calling for one thing. 

"Don't answer."  De Yi commanded.  In reality he would have begged. Except that was not in his character.

She didn't need to.

The car that delivered her turned the corner and stopped a few feet away. 

The driver pulled out his credential and flashed it briefly.

"Director Tao wanted let you know that Agent Zhang is awake and asked for you."

De Yi stopped but did not let go of her hand. They stared at each other and even though no words exchanged, he knew.

"Don't." He got closer to pleading.

"I have to." She closed the distance between them.

"If you go," he gripped both her shoulders, his hands shaking. "promise you will come back."

"I can promise." She lowered her head. "But I don't know when."

"That's the same as not promising." He pulled her into his embrace. "I cannot bear losing you again."

"De Yi." She muffled her cries. "It's better if I go and see this to the end."

"What does that mean."

"I don't know either." She touched his face. "I just know that there is something unfinished and I need to finish it."

"What about us." He shook her. "Don't you know if you leave. We are finished."

"I'm sorry you feel that way." Her eyes widened in sadness and fear. "I don't."

"Then how do you feel?"

But before she could answer, he kissed her harshly and she kissed back. When he finally stopped, he realized that her tears drenched his hands and she was not holding onto him.

"I'm sorry." She stepped back.

In that moment, De Yi realized that her heart no longer belonged to him as she did so long ago. He cried. Bitterly. His heart crushed with defeat; yet he cannot bear to hate her for her honesty or despise that other man for his accidental claim on her heart. He could only fault fate.

When she got to the hospital, she learned that the driver had misinterpreted the information. Neither did Wei Xin wake up nor did he ask for her.

When she left the hospital earlier that night, his vitals plummeted; as the medical team brought him back from near death, he opened his eyes briefly before closing them and spoke the name "Xiang Ling."

Did he mean her? Or did he mean his childhood sweetheart? People said that when one were about to die, they could see their departed loved ones.

Eventually, his bodily wounds healed; he remained in a coma and on life support. Assuming that she was the next of kin, they asked for her permission to unplug him.

In her heart, she knew that she couldn't let them ask Yeh Yeh. To burden him with the choice of letting his only grandson die.

She knew she had no right. But she knew that Wei Xin wouldn't want to live like a vegetable.

In the end, Tao Zen tacitly agreed and she signed as his wife.

They expected him to die immediately. Instead he hung on.

She held his hand - once so large and powerful, now bony and frail. He'd lost much body mass and muscles in the 3 months.

Day by day.  She sat next to him and spoke to him.