WAITING FOR THE BEGINNING

48. Til Death Do Us Part

Wei Xin. 

My memory is coming back to me. Like pages in a novel. But all out of order.

I remember De Yi.

What he and I had.  Before the accident.  After the accident.

In between is you.

****

You've always called me Xiang Ling.  Because you didn't want to call me Ling Ling.  The name of your real wife.

I guess that name Xian Ling also belongs to her.

My real name is Lee Ping Ping. 

****

I counted.

We've only known each other two years.  Three if you count the year that I waited for you to come back to the village.  Most of that time we were apart.

But the impression of you in my heart is so deep, I don't know what it is.

*****

I was born in Shanghai.  My father was an economics professor at a prestigious university.  My mother was a dress maker. 

We were not special in any way.  Not too wealthy.  Not too poor.  But we were very happy.  My parents loved each other and that love infected everything in my life.

In that same way, I am not particularly special.  or smart.  or pretty.  I am very common.  In every way.

I didn't have much ambition.  Go to fashion design school. find a job, marry, have kids and live a simple life.

****

I had a best friend.  This amazing girl De Ai.  She was the kindest person I know.  And the most beautiful.

She and her brother.  Both.

You know him as President Chen.  He was my first.  My only boyfriend.  And I was about to marry him.

But if my life had continued on that path, then I would have never met you.

And I'm really glad that I met you.

****

You were there for me.  When I was alone.  Didn't know anyone.

You.  Your grandfather.  The little village you called home.

I waited to meet my husband.  You.

Even though I knew somehow that it wasn't real...I really looked forward to meeting you.

****

I didn't know who I was. And in that void, I learned about myself.

I didn't know who you are. While I waited, I learned about you from those who knew you.

I didn't know who you are to me. But I knew you were a good guy when you didn't take advantage of me as a fake husband. When you could. And I knew you to be righteous when your first thoughts about me were to help me get home.

I don't know who I am to you. But slowly for me...in those three years, I thought of myself as yours. And I liked being your wife.  Even if in name. And waiting for our life to begin.

It was peaceful.

I was content. 

****

I'm pregnant.

I am happy.

I am sad.

I am afraid.

****

Why won't you wake up?

****

They pity me.

An unwed teenage mother.

They admire me.

A pregnant young woman whose husband is in a coma.

But no one knows me.

****

I thought of De Yi today. 

Should I tell you about him?

Best not.

****

The last thing he said to me was that if I left, I should not come back.  He cannot live in limbo, not knowing if I would ever return.

I know how he feels.

My feelings for you became so crystal clear when I saw you dying. I cannot live without knowing the what if you had woken up.

****

Wei Xin.  I'm having a boy.

Should I tell De Yi about the baby?

Is it more right to tell him?  Or not tell him?

If he were yours, would you want to know?

****

Though we didn't take that vow...together.

The night you kissed me, my heart made a commitment.  Overriding those nebulous feelings I had about a lost past.  I didn't know then that it contained other promises.  To De Yi.

Now that it is clearer.

I don't regret choosing you.

****

Wei Xin.  They say you will not live past tonight.  Your heart is shutting down. 

The shard that they could not retrieve has dislodged.

I will hold your hand.

Til death do us part.