OC reviews And Tips (Closed)

Review 40 // Raina Johnson

Can you believe that I'm already at 40 reviews? I sure can't. Anyway, here's a creepypasta oc by Foxshade05

My comments will be in bold

Basics and grounding/character information

A lot of this is fine and interesting as far as creepypasta ocs go, but I do have some points of improvement. How is she an enhanced human? What has led her to be better than the average human? These need to be explained.

Also, the whole "softie when you get to know her" thing is weirdly common in creepypasta. You shouldn't make a murderous character like this since they're a killer. Don't get me wrong, I love characters that are tough and dangerous but have a soft spot for certain people, but if you want to design a character like this I recommend avoiding creepypasta. A lot of people seem to forget that the point of a cp is to be scary, so traits like these ruin the scare factor.

Relationships

Make sure that these relationships and reasoning are presented well through the character as well as the effect of her parent's death. The whole enemies thing also needs to be explained. Why specifically "girly-girls" as you call them. There's a lot of different types of girls who like traditionally feminine things. Some are horrible, some incredibly sweet. If it's her attitude, then it's a fault on the character's part, which isn't a bad thing. But, if it is meant to be the fault of her enemies, then that could become frustrating to read.

Backstory

It's not very often I see gang stuff in creepypasta characters, so good job on that. The main issue here is why would she be recruited? Nothing that's been done has made her particularly scary and she isn't shown to go on a killing spree, which is why most pastas are added to the mix. I'm not saying it's a bad thing to be different, I'm sick of seeing preteens going insane and killing people. You could have a coordinated but merciful killer and that could be an interesting pasta, but she wouldn't be recruited. Getting picked up by good old slendy is an incredibly common cliche, so I recommend changing this.
Other

You need to explain why she is a more advanced human then most. She has predator like abilities but it needs to be explained how she has these.

Also I forgot that cps have catchphrases. Personally, I think the scariest pastas are the ones that don't have catchphrases, then again, most of the ones I enjoy don't surround one character.

Stats

These are some pretty good stats, there's no problems here.

Final thoughts
Like most people in this fandom, you need to remember that creepypastas are meant to be creepy. Whilst this is a very interesting character, some editing and further development could go a long way and make her better. Keep working on your characters and you will see a large improvement, but this is a pretty decent oc, so good job.

*My critiques are simply at your request and to help improve your character. It is not my intention to cause any offence and you, of course, do not have to listen to what I've said. This is all just a bit of fun and I apologise if I have done any kind of damage*