BLACK MOON ⍋ Remus Lupin

Chapter ThirtyEight- Those Moments.

(I was recently asked how I pictured Artemis, personally I see her quite similar looking to Mia Goth *click on picture above* but with the famous Black, Grey eyes. How do you imagine her? Doesn't have to be one way!)

I don't remember much about the night before; after leaving Remus alone on the old astrology tower balcony.

All that remains is a flashback of being greeted once again by party members whilst pushing myself, once again, through the crowds to eventually reach the dorm room.

A fake smile. A fake wave. An excuse to not stick around.

A hazy memory of James shortly after, knocking on the door of the dorm to ask if I was ok. Which I didn't reply to; my back sitting firmly against the wooden heavy door, after irritatingly pulling off the costume Lily had provided me and sitting numb, freezing cold in my underwear on the cold stone floor. The tips of my toes turning blotchy and lilac. Only finding the energy to crawl into bed after I was sure not to be bothered. When I was sure of a guaranteed few hours of solitude before the girls came stumbling up early hours of the morning.

A recent memory of light starting to stream through the windows, accompanied by the sound of rummaging. A mumble of 'goodbye, have a nice time going home!' passing my sleep deprived lips, as the girls heaved their trunks out of the room and left for the Halloween half term.

It was not  actually clear to me if the words I had said in my head, formed properly and was auditory outloud.

It's as if after that moment, when I had walked away. After that moment, making my way up to the dorm with a ringing pressure of adrenaline in my ears. Undressing myself in silent sobs and sinking against the door to James' voice... In those moments every sense I had was in the end turned off. Muted. Paused.

A series of events that left nothing but numbness.

I was an empty shell of the person I was moments before those moments. Not truly present since; off somewhere else but where I was wasn't quite clear yet.

But it was empty, echoing, unhopeful, comforting and familiar all at once.

Everyone had gone. Belongings lingering behind to remind me they all still exist and weren't figures of my imagination.

It felt just like that, like I had imagined these past months and had finally snapped out of it. I half expected to open my eyes and see the old china dolls on the shelf of my bedroom wall, in front of me. They were my only friends once upon a time.

It was quiet. Beyond quiet, like a dark room after a nightmare. Like when the rest of the house is soundly sleeping and yet you sense something alive and awake lingering in the darkness. You're in a half state of dream and reality, but which ones which?

You sense that heaviness in the dark, a faceless fear.

You can't see it, you can't touch it, taste it or hear it. But there's no doubting it's there.

That's how I feel, trapped between the realms of reality and forces of the mind. Struggling to differentiate which action, which word, which moment, belonged to what. Nothing mattered the same way it did before those moments.

If I listened closely, I could hear the rattle of the metal framed window in the hall outside of the dorm.

If I listened closely, I could hear my own blood pump at a steady pace around my body.

I finally got up from my heavy position on my bed. My legs feeling static and swollen from lack of movement. Not even flinching when my bare feet made contact with the cold floor, like I had done the night before.

A few years ago Andromeda came back after her last year of Hogwarts; with tears in her eyes that were threatening to shame her in front of our parents. You never cried at home. Crying was for the weak and weakness was to be kept private.

She knew I was familiarising myself with the pain in them. Hesitantly adapting to an emotion I felt was forbidden. The only tears I had ever seen being those of Regulus' when he was only an infant and myself in those private moments of weakness.

She knew I was watching, absorbing how she was fighting against that instinct to hide. She was always so observant, much more than I or anyone in the house, despite how sharp-witted they all were.

Dusty grey and dull, that's what her eyes looked like. A flooding of salty water taunting her by threatening to fall with each blink, but never actually giving her the satisfaction of falling.

I remember how she grabbed Sirius' hand and squeezed it. Sirius looked confused at the gesture. No malice involved. A gesture of hope and sadness combined. She lowered her voice and height to speak to the then shorter boy.

"Promise me you'll never let anyone break your heart, but if they do...don't turn bitter and break others for sport. It'll never fix how you really feel, it'll only hurt those you once or could've loved." She had said to him. Sirius was uncomfortable at the foreign conversation, as was I when witnessing it.

Within the following few months she had completely planned an itinerary of travel plans. Within the next year, after our last family portraits, she had left forever. I didn't know she wouldn't return, I also didn't know why she had held me so tight before leaving. Not at the time, I took those moments for granted.

I didn't understand it all, too naive and stupid for my own good. The sudden change in her behaviour all making sense now.

The sarcasm stripped, a sullen softness replacing it. A softness that wasn't fragile but wise. She was beginning to truly feel.

She had noticed how toxic our environment was way before the rest of us had even questioned or entertained the idea.

It wasn't until she had experienced first love whilst at hogwarts, that then (after a nasty breakup) was ripped away from her; it was only until then, she understood how much she craved it. That affection we never received growing up. To feel loved and love in return.

I think that's why she packed her stuff and went travelling, seeking to find love in any shape or form she could find. She did of course, in someone so different than our own- a muggle, but she first had to discover it somewhere else to understand how to pursue it another time.

I now realise she was teaching both Sirius and I a lesson. Realising now, much clearer than before that they were both very different all at once.

She knew what she was doing by allowing me to see her pain, by warning Sirius how easy it can be to play others because you feel played yourself. She was trying to set us free. Triggering the questioning about our home environment and emotions that she had wished we all were aware of.

Letting us know that there's feelings stronger than fear and hate. I now understood why she was such a threat to our family. She was stronger than all of us combined.

Andromeda loved when loving hurt.
Andromeda loved when loving brought joy.
Andromeda loved when loving wasn't returned.

I didn't love Remus. I don't love Remus, but if I'm going to honour Andy by listening to the advice she gave, that once landed on deaf ears, I have to appreciate all that Remus has done for me and not expect anything else in return. I had to set him free, like she did us.

He made me realise I'm capable of feeling much more than fear and hate. Triggered those feelings that, like Andy, can make me a threat to my family. It was about time I planned my own travels to find love in any shape or form.