BLACK MOON ⍋ Remus Lupin

The Missing Pages. (2/3)

Here are the remaining letters found in the Potters home, that weren't burnt and were salvaged by a Muggle who cleared out the home for new owners after the murder.

These letters were later in the possession of Remus Lupin after his return to the village, once he confiscated the marauders map and saw an unlikely name wandering the halls. He decided to take a journey down memory lane and re-began questioning the death of his friends. Finally seeking the path Artemis Black was part of carving.

The Muggle was holding onto these waiting for the day someone from the group would return. She found Remus Lupin outside of the Potters home, to which she was a long lasting neighbour. It was a relief for the old woman to hand them back to rightful hands, and it was eye opening and crucial for the re-acceptance of Sirius Black into Remus Lupins life. Sparing the supposed criminals life upon the old friends reintroduction.

Letter one, as if it had been torn from a diary that James had found:

5th Feb. Entry 63.

I hope they've picked up on the clues I have given them. I can't be direct. Everything I have been writing and sending off has the potential to be seen by eyes I don't want them to be. She's had that same gut instinct I have and I have to warn them about Peter and his involvement in the death eaters. They have to trust Arty. Every name I've discovered makes complete sense but his ...and there I saw him, in the same very room with the list I've collected. Chatting and plotting away as if he's been part of the group for longer than we had our suspicions.

I can't be sure that anyone else in the group isn't involved now, I've sent them clues and if someone confronts me...someone confronts me but it's a risk I'm willing to make as long as it keeps my friends safe. I hope no one else is involved. I know for a fact Arty and Marlene are innocent. I've seen very obvious signs that they're on my side. They know I'm not crazy, which is reassuring because they don't know this side to me like the boys do! So I'm hoping that the letters don't present as such, they all must know I'm trying to send them a message.

I've done it time and time again and they cracked the codes before. I know I've been acting more difficult...this entire mission I've taken on has been so overwhelming. I've yet found anything out about Regulus which was the original goal! I never dreamt about coming across someone I thought so surely was a friend. The betrayal of it all! I just can't stand to live there in that village with him anymore. On top of how lonely I feel, I cant be around a traitor for long without feeling as if I'm going to blow my cover. Get myself killed.

The more I find out, the more I'll send them. I'm hoping to get James and Remus to acknowledge things as much as the girls are. We're all best friends, despite everything...I have to be sure of that. But I'm running out of hope. I've never felt more alone.

Tomorrow I apply for a role at the ministry. I'm hoping that'll give me some inside confidential information. I'm losing hope I'll ever be able to return back to normalcy.  This is an isolating and sad life. No love and no friendship around.

SB.

Letter Two:

James,
I do want to come a visit, I really do. Truthfully I'm embarrassed about the last time I was down. I don't love him, I was just being dramatic. But I know you'll still worry about me. You shouldn't.

Im attempting to get my life together. I've got a job. I'm looking elsewhere for a place to live, I can't continue sofa hopping. My back kills.

I'll come back eventually, I need to sell my flat and take my things anyway. I'd love to see Harry. How is he? Has he attempted to walk yet?

I need your advice about Remus and Arty. I feel so guilty she knows how I feel and I also feel he overheard everything. I'm humiliated. It's one of the reasons I can't just come back anymore, I hope you're figuring that out.

I miss you all so much but I feel as if I've burnt the bridges between us. I don't feel welcome anymore. Not yet anyway, hopefully one day when everything has settled I can move back close.

Your friend, always,
Sirius.

Letter Three:

Rem,
You'll never receive this letter. James told me to write it. Therapeutic he claimed, but it just feels a bit pathetic and I don't know where to begin.

I'm sorry I guess, I'm sure I'll eventually tell you that outside of this letter. I really support you and Arty. If you were to have picked anyone, I'm glad it was her. As hard as that may be to believe. She's better than me, you're right. More secure for you. You deserve that.

I feel ashamed by the jealousy I feel. I'm on my journey of accepting it'll never be me. It comes in waves. One day I accept it, it doesn't bother me and the next I feel devastated. That's unfair to put you both through.

I am humiliated by my own feelings, but there are no hard ones towards either of you. I hope you know. How could there be when I am so in love with you? Always have been. Once I thought it was just as a friend, then I convinced myself it was just a pathetic crush after we kissed and you decided us didn't feel right. I think I lived in denial for years after that. I genuinely didn't feel it all properly, you were just a friend...and then Reggie died and suddenly how I felt about people started screaming at me. How would I feel if the rest of you were to leave? Devastated of course, but you were different. I realised I had been successfully lying to myself for years...I never realised that crush had grown into something that now feels so consuming to me. It's overwhelming and confusing and I'm so embarrassed about how I've behaved.

I don't want to feel like a victim. I can't help but see myself as one though. I know that isn't fair to you but it feels unfair to me. I question where your tolerance has gone? Do I disgust you? I disgust myself. I thought I accepted myself but that's only when I thought there was a chance to be loved by you. I feel I have no one.

I'm on this stupid fucking mission to figure out what's going on, you don't care. You think I'm just on some Pity party self destructive nonsense. In some way you're right, again. Annoyingly.

The goal is the longer I stay away the more I can get over you and be able to celebrate your milestones like a real friend. I just want to be your friend now, I'm so exhausted with feeling like I'm not good enough. For love in general. This feeling has grown larger than you. I wish I was different than I am, for us as a group. You're right to be sick of my shit, I'm sick of it too. I'm sorting it out I hope. The more I find out about what's actually going on with all this shit I'm investigating, the more I feel myself forgetting about how I feel.

Just know I'm never going to wonder why it wasn't me. I knew it was always her from the minute you looked at her. It made me angry back in the day, now I'm happy for you both. I wish you could just know how I feel about you, how loved you are and how annoying it is to love you.

I don't seem to have the words, this is stupid anyway. I don't get the point. I just know I wouldn't be able to tell you coherently like this. But I don't want to continue this in person either. You've had enough. I've had enough.

One day, your friend again,
Sirius.