BLACK MOON ⍋ Remus Lupin

Chapter NinetyOne- Love, Remus.

LAST LETTER

Arty,
It's pretty obvious I'm not getting a reply from you and I know that means you don't want to hear from me again.

That means there's no more opportunities to say what I always regretted I didn't. I feel I need to tell you in order to move on. Otherwise I'm going to feel haunted by you and I don't want my feelings to turn bitter. They haven't before because I sort of knew deep down you weren't reading them but I get it now, especially with Sirius in my ear telling me you weren't. But maybe you were, you're just not interested and that's fine. I wish you would have saved me the humiliation though.

I may have kissed Sirius, I may have even enjoyed it. I was confused. I never felt the excitement of having feelings for someone before I met you and then suddenly I could lean into those feelings- some of which were directed at Sirius. Not as intense though and I shouldn't have gone down that direction, I never intended it to mean anything. I was in denial and new to feeling and identifying a crush. Maybe I began to feel addicted to the feeling you gave me and looked for it wherever possible because the truth is I didn't know I had feelings for you other than feeling protective of you. I didn't know what those feelings meant until I fucked it up.

I could have loved you. Maybe I did love you, maybe I still do. People don't humiliate themselves like this unless it's for love. People don't feel this hurt by another person if they don't love them. I feel really hurt that you couldn't have just told me to stop writing a long time ago.

I meant what I said before. Narcissa gets all the attention for being attractive. You made me realise I could look beautiful to someone, even if it was me in Halloween makeup. I never thought I could be seen as beautiful. I've never felt attractive, especially around my friends like Sirius or Frank who frequently got all of the attention. I should have told you how beautiful you were and that the girls around you and in your life could only dream of being as beautiful. I know I'm not a guy those girls would feel jealous over you about but the point still stands...I never looked or thought about other people in a way that would suggest I found them attractive, until I met you. You are the pretty sister. You were that girl I couldn't stay away from or stop staring at from the moment I first saw you towering above those first years waiting to be assigned a house. You looked ridiculous and it would have been so easy to laugh at how awkward that was for you if I wasn't so taken back by how stunning you are.

I want to feel angry at you and I do, actually. I thought you would have offered me some closure. I thought you were that type of person. I was wrong. Maybe I've romanticised a version of you in my mind in your absence. I can't hate you though.

People say there's a fine line between love and hate and I feel it'll probably be easier if I learn to lean towards hate. I can't see it happening though.

I thought you were always so brave standing up to Sirius. So brave deciding to befriend Severus despite us telling you not to. So brave being so stupid at times. I always admired your instinct to trust your impulse in the moments where you were pushed out of shyness. I wish you spoke more. You were interesting when you spoke, even if I didn't agree with you all the time. Which I never admitted. I think you're naive and reckless and maybe I would have learnt to have found that annoying but I thought you were unintentionally funny. Maybe you won't be funny once you grow up. I know that sounds mean, but so was leaving me hanging for a year.

James told me about you wearing my jumper over that Halloween break. You could have kept it if you had asked me. I don't have as much money as you but I would have given up anything of mine for you to have it. I won't pretend I was above sleeping in it when you left, before I realised I was being stupid. The smell of you left pretty quickly from it and maybe my feelings should have left when the scent did.

The truth is...I don't even dream about you anymore and I feel devastated about that. You're simply a background character without a face. I can't remember it properly unless I try really hard and then I just upset myself.

I'm tired of feeling upset and tired of trying so hard to hold onto a relationship that didn't even really exist. You were just someone I knew for like, not even four months. It's been over double that since I've seen you. It's time for me to move on and if I don't let you know that you have hurt my feelings and that I could have loved you...I'm scared I won't and I want someone to make me feel attractive and wanted again.

I didn't let these physical scars heal by themselves to neglect the ones you've left behind. Now I'm just ugly and alone.

I promise this is the last letter I'm going to send you and I promise you despite how I'm feeling, I'll never forget you.

Don't forget me

Love,
Remus