Chapter Four

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The police had arrested the man, but that didn't stop my tears. I had stopped sobbing and now tears were just silently sliding down my face. I just wanted to go home, but the boys were hungry.

I patted Seb who was still holding my drink. He smiled kindly at me and handed me my Starbucks. I put the straw to my mouth and took a sip. I offered some to Rem who gladly took a sip and kissed my forehead. I offered Josh a drink who shook his head and thanked me same with the rest of the boys.

Me and Rem just kept taking sips of the drink while sharing with each other. His arm never leaving my side. I leaned my head back onto his shoulder and buried it into the crook of his neck. He smelled like tobacco, musk, and cinnamon. It was nice. We pulled up to the burger joint which was right by my house.  We all exited the car.

I gripped onto Rem's hand and Josh took his place by my side which cause me to grip his hand too, I had left my Starbucks in the car.

Tyler ran little ways in front of us and held the door open for all of us. A chorus of thanks were whispered at the door as the bright lights of the room shined down on us. Rem told Em what he wanted and I told Josh that I wasn't hungry. He didn't believe me, but nodded.

Rem, who still had my hand, pulled me to a table and let me sit next to him. He pulled the chair out for me like a gentleman should and let me sit down before pushing me in just a little. I smiled, and waited for him to sit down.

"I told you to be careful," He muttered in my ear. I leaned my head onto his shoulder again.

"I'm sorry.." I trailed off.

"It isn't your fault. I should've went with you," He sighed while running a hand through his hair. My head snapped up. This fucker was blaming himself. If anything it was my fault for going out in the first place.

"Nope, you are not blaming yourself you lil shit. I love you to death. You had fans to meet. It's not your fault. You cannot blame yourself for this okay?"

'Okay..and I love you too," He trailed off. I kissed his cheek and went back to laying on his shoulder. The boys had finished ordering and walked over to the table before taking a seat. It was Josh, me, and Rem on one side of the table. Then Tyler, Em, and Seb on the other. My phone buzzed in my pocket making me fish it out.

Whore

I sighed and deleted the notification. I felt Rem become a little tense and he fished his phone out of his pocket also and then went to instagram. I bit my lip and watched as he typed my name into the message bar.

He saw...he saw, one hundred percent. Fuck me...

I grabbed my phone and waited for him to send me the message.

Don't listen to them, love. You are not a whore if anything you are an angel -RL

Thank you -K

Don't thank me -RL

He put his phone away which I followed his motion. The boys talked amongst themselves. They were all talking about memes of themselves that they love.

Tyler began to tell us about how his dad used to send him memes all the time of himself and Tyler got so tired of it that he blocked his dad for a week. That caused the whole table to erupt into laughter. I smiled at them all and took a mental picture of this moment and how beautiful it was.

The waiter soon came to us and delivered the boy's food. Josh had ordered me a banana milkshake and some fries. I smiled and thanked him. The waiter smiled at all of us and left. I made sure to make a mental note to leave the waiter a tip of maybe ten bucks and make sure to pay Josh back.

I slowly ate my fries and drink my smoothie. I began to remember all the comments on my post earlier and began to feel sick again. I excused myself from the table and rushed to the bathroom. I emptied all the contents in my stomach into the toilet and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand before letting my eyes pool over and stream down my face. Fuck not this again.

These were the nights were I usually self harmed. I usually hid a blade behind my phone case. I didn't do it tonight because I didn't want to do it with the boys right in the restaurant. They would notice. I know for sure. I sighed and began to imagine myself washing my blood stained hands. The warm water cascaded down my palms as I added soap into the mixture.

I began to imagine that they were stained red from blood. I would be cleaning them after I had just made a mess of myself, and I would be watching the red color fall down the drain before becoming clear again. I sighed once more before drying off my hands, wiping my mouth, and walking back out.

I sat back down next to Rem, a worried look arose in his eyes as he looked me up and down trying to make sure I hadn't done anything. Little did I know...

I smiled at him before drinking my shake. I was mentally struggling to even keep my drink down. I had to mentally fight myself to pretend to even be remotely okay.

Rem had pulled out his phone again. And typed something. My phone buzzed unto which I gave him a questioning look before fishing my phone out of my jacket.

Don't think I don't know what you did. We'll talk about that later. Now eat before I feed your ass -RL

How did you know? -K

I used to do the same thing. I'm not stupid. And I heard when I went to the bathroom myself -RL

I'm sorry... -K

Don't do it again. Okay? - RL

Okay...I'm sorry -K

I put my phone away and began to eat my now cold fries. I ate them very slowly while I had Rem taking glances at me to make sure I was eating. I sighed. Imagine if I would've harmed myself. He would hate me. God he probably thinks I'm the worst right now. I sighed mentally and kept eating. The food tasted good but didn't make me feel any better about myself.

The boys had finished and I decided I was done too. I looked to Rem for approval, he just nodded his head and stood up. I secretly pulled out my wallet and left the ten under my plate before getting up with him and pushed my chair in. I smirked and snaked my hands into Rem's. We had to drop them off at the hotel. I didn't actually want them to leave. Too bad I didn't own a better house. I frowned at my own self thoughts.

Rem opened the restaurant door for us and I waited with him before opening the car door and letting everyone in. I climbed in along with Rem, who was right behind me. I sat down and patted the seat next to me while looking at him. He smiled and sat right next to me, draping his arm over my shoulder.

I snuggled into him again, smelling that familiar scent, closing my eyes and drifting off to sleep.

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