Finding Us Again

I Just Wanna Forget That.

Nina's Pov-

We went into the house and into our rooms to shower and put on some dry, comfortable clothes. So we could get ready to eat and relax together before tomorrow.

I had told Phoebe we'd talk when we were done eating. I needed to talk to her alone. I needed to get some stuff off my chest. And while I wanted to talk to Ian, I also didn't want to tell him some of the things. Not because they were about him. Or because I feel bad about thinking them and needing to say them. I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want him to feel bad.

Ian takes all of it on himself. He blames himself for all of it. Any time I'm hurt or sad or anything Ian blames himself. And I don't want him to keep feeling that. None of this is his fault. And deep down he knows that. He knows he's not the one causing me pain and hurting me. But his logic is that it's happening because we're together. And because of his love for me. We both know that's not true. But that's how he feels.
Even though I tell him all the time, I don't blame him for any of this. At all. And his love for me is the reason I make it through it all.

I'll be damned if I put that on him more. I refuse to make him feel like that anymore than he already does on his own.
I refuse to cause him any type of pain. He's going through enough. And while he's handling it well in front of everyone else, I know him. I know Ian better than anyone else. He's hurting. And he's blaming himself for so many things that he has no control over.

Ian is in enough pain. I'm not gonna be the cause of any more. He's too amazing to be going through this. He's an amazing person. He's sweet, caring, compassionate, funny, loyal, smart, loving and protective. He's fiercely loyal to the people he loves. And he's passionate about helping other people, animals and the world in general.
Plus a million other things that make him amazing.

He doesn't deserve what he's going through. And I'm not going to add to it.
I'm going to be the person who makes it all better for him. The person who heals his wounds and helps him feel like himself again.
I'm not letting anyone hurt him again. I don't care who it is. And I certainly don't care if it's Kat. She's had this "holier than thou" attitude for years. And has some how put herself on this "I'm better then most" pedestal. And that's fine. Feel that way about yourself if you want to. But I'll be damned if she does or says anything that hurts Ian without me knocking her off of it.

Ian and I stepped out of the shower together and he wrapped my towel around me after I wrapped my hair up.

"Baby, are you ok?"  He asked pulling me into him and out of my thoughts.

"Yeah baby, I'm fine.

"Are you sure? You were quite in the shower. And just seemed distracted."

"I'm sorry baby. I didn't mean to be. But I'm ok." I kissed him and we headed into our room to get our PJs on.

"It's fine babe. I just want to make sure you're ok. And make sure you remember you can tell me anything. No matter what." He said. And I felt so bad in that moment. Because I could see this look in his eyes.
It was a mix of worry and anxiousness. Like he was worried I was mad at him or something.

"I'm sorry baby. Seriously I'm sorry I didn't mean to be distracted or distant. I was just in my head. And too in to my thoughts." I told him. I didn't catch myself in time from looking down. And the moment my head fell I regretted it. I instantly knew he'd think something was really wrong.