You Can't Break Her

Chapter fifteen: part five | March

March 2005
Bayhollow, Ontario

The night Devin used me was a devastating time in my life. At fifteen years old, I was left to wonder why I couldn't fight him or push him away. Why hadn't I screamed and cried out? Why didn't I run away?

Shock gripped me, and it left me unable to deal with what was happening. It was a vacant field, in the light of day by a person I had interacted with multiple times.

I returned home and cried myself to sleep. There was no relief or understanding for a dirty and useless girl such as myself. At every turn, there were new challenges and pains that I was never prepared for. This event was to be kept a secret, I felt it undermined me as a human being. His disgusting actions had taken something from me that was not intended for him. How could I ever forgive myself for letting it happen?

I chose to run back to Joseph's arms. He and I had kept our relationship nearly PG. As my first boyfriend, he exuded comfort in my eyes. I couldn't get enough of him because I couldn't stand myself.

"I think he raped me." As soon as the words left my mouth, I regretted them. What will he think of me? What if he kicks me out and never wants to talk to me again? What will I do then?

Joseph stood and began to pace the bedroom. "He did what?" His voice raised, and he slammed a fist down on his computer table, shaking the monitor.

The anger in his voice made me quiver in the place I sat on his bed. The banging of the desk at his hit to it made me shake, and tears seared my eyelids. "No." I raised my hand to stop his slamming and yelling. "I don't think that's what happened. Maybe it was, but it's done now. I don't want to make a big deal of this." I lifted my knees up and rested my chin on them. "Please stop, you're scaring me." My tears flowed freely onto my jeans. I sat in wait of his response when I felt him sit next to me on his bed and wrap his arms around my curled up figure.

Now that I was no longer a virgin, it felt like an expectation to give in when Joseph suggested we sleep together. Successfully forging more emotional ties that would come to ruin me.