You Can't Break Her

Nine| Misguided happiness

June 1994

"I'm going to a barbeque at Ben's place," Jess explained to the person on the other end of the phone.

I watched my mother from across the kitchen, rolling back and forth on my red and blue plastic Tonka truck. The bumper made a thudding noise against the cupboard behind me. When the sound happened, my mother twitched.

"I'll be back before midnight. Ama is a well-behaved kid," she said with a smile. "Ben picked up Trevor earlier. One down, one to go." She laughed at her joke.

My truck hit the cupboard again.

She shot me an angry look.

"I'll drop her off tomorrow around four." She ended the conversation with the person, slamming the phone down. "Stop that. Go play in your room if you're going to be a pain in the ass." She waved away with her hand.

I dropped my knees to the kitchen floor, resting all of my weight on the toy, avoiding eye contact. "Who was that?"

"Rose and Parker, the new couple that moved in two houses down. You made an impression on them. The party at Ben's is for grown-ups only." She filled a pot with water, grabbing a box of Kraft Dinner from the cupboard.

"They offered to watch you if I ever needed it. She gave me their phone number. I thought I would see if they were serious about the offer." She picked up a half-smoke from the ashtray beside her, and leaning back against the counter, she lit it.

"Why can't I come? Please, Mommy." I wanted to be near her at all times, but she never seemed to feel the same.

She tapped the cigarette butt over the ashtray. "I already told you no!"

My mother took a step in my direction. I couldn't read her face - she could be hiding her anger. I needed to be prepared for anything.

Heart racing, hands trembling, I leaned back to get to my feet. With widened eyes, I backed against the wall.

"I told you, Pooh Bear, it's only for adults. Maybe next time." She turned toward the bathroom.

Chest muscles loosening, I kneeled to race my truck through the apartment into my room.

***

"Here, we got some toys for you to play with while you're here." Rose handed me a plastic bag filled with random Lego pieces.

"I'll be back around midnight." Jess looked over their living room quickly. She kissed my forehead, leaving the scent of tobacco on me before she patted my head, closing the door behind her.

"Do you like apple juice?" Rose asked. "I can get some. I think we have cookies, too."

"We could watch a movie? What do you think?" Parker suggested as he sat on the couch.

I paused in shock, trying to come up with an answer. "I would like a drink." I rose from the floor and wiped my outfit off.

"What movies do you have?" I joined Parker on the couch. He showed me the hidden cabinet in the coffee table where they kept their VHS tapes.

She grabbed juice for me and a bottle of water for her and Parker to share. "Here it is. I even gave you a straw."

When I raised my arm to grab the cup, my long sleeve slid down. She saw the blue and purple marks that were spotted up my arms.

Her face drained of colour. She placed the cup on the coffee table, turning back to face me. "What are these from?" She leaned in close. "I promised I wouldn't tell anyone. You can trust me."