You Can't Break Her

Ten| Inhale!

August 1994

"I have to pee. Stay here, I'll be right back, " my mother said, disappearing inside the coffee shop.

Trevor was sitting in his stroller and I stood next to him outside of the restaurant. I eyed the cigarette butts on the ground, peppering a trail to the stone-spotted contraption. The top was overflowed with butts. I grabbed a big one and pretended to smoke it like I had seen my mother do.

My brother gurgled and whined. "Do you want some?" I poured a handful onto his tray.

He wiggled and smiled. His hand smacked the pile of dirt, and it made clouds of grey that danced in the air for a few seconds. I put another bunch on and he did the same thing. It made us both laugh.

"What are you doing?"

Trevor continued to slap the ashes into dust clouds. I turned and kept my eyes on the ground. Heart pounding, I whispered, "He wanted them."

"You want to smoke?" Before I could respond, she grabbed my arm and the stroller, walking a few steps to the convenience store. She dragged me, pushing him in and bought a pack of Export-A Green.

Her grip loosened on my arm a little an eerie smirk painted her lips. She enjoyed punishing me. I could see it in her eyes, like a lion on the prowl for its next kill.

"I'm sorry, Mom," I cried. All I could do was suck up, hoping she would forget it happened.

She shook her head but didn't say anything as we walked home. We walked into our house, she out my brother in the drawer of her bedroom dresser, wrapping the blanket over him so he couldn't scratch himself or fall out.

She grabbed me by the shirt, pulling me to the kitchen table. She grabbed an ashtray pulling matches from her jeans pocket, she opened the pack of smokes and lit one. "You wanted to smoke?" She gave me a matter-of-fact-look and held it out to me. "You're going to smoke this whole pack."

"No- I-"

She pushed the smoke into my mouth. "Inhale! You wanted to smoke so bad."