You Can't Break Her

Twenty-six| Best interest

December 1996

The luminescent street light above beamed brightly on the snowbanks that sprawled across every yard within view. Massive snow piles that would devour my whole body in one bite. The brilliant sparkling of the crystal-like precipitation merely neutralized the blue-black sky. The darker snow-filled clouds that peppered the air made it seem less ominous and intimidating. The roads shined with broad icy patches, sparkling like crystals in the night. Christmas lights were strewn through trees and along with the trim of many homes. A magical wonderland begging to be demolished by young children on a snow day.

"Are you excited to live with a new family, Ama?" Lana inquired.

I turned my attention from the beauty of the outdoors. "I guess." Tugging my mittens off, I breathed into my hands.

"I'm really nervous." The tips of my fingers crushed any tears before they broke loose. "What if they don't like me?" I threw down my hands at my sides.

Lana brought her hand to my shoulder, looking into my eyes. "You've spent time with this family. You know that they like you."

She rubbed my shoulder for a second. Sitting back in her seat, she grabbed a bottle of water from the cup holder next to her. "I don't think that is what's bothering you. I know you better than you think I do."

I raised my fisted hands, bringing them down hard onto my thighs. "Why does it have to be like this?" I cried, scrunching my face to stop the tears. "Why can't I just live with my mom?"

There was silence as my tears rained down onto my winter coat, lips trembling as each wave of grief crashed into me, my cheeks burning with anger that could not be avoided.

Lana offered me a facial tissue that I gladly collected, using it to wipe away my only line of defence. No matter how many tears I dried, there were always more lying in wait. I was caught in a never-ending sadness that I couldn't escape because I still saw myself as a responsible party.

"If I hadn't said anything..." The thought of everything going back to the way it was made my heart race with nostalgia. It was both comfortable and off-putting. "If I had just brought back the right bag- If I could do anything right, I wouldn't be here right now!" The emotion in my voice escalated as the self-hatred I harboured swelled inside of me.

Lana turned, so she was facing me. "There is a strong possibility that you might be dead if you hadn't been taken into care when you were." Her voice was deep and authoritative, never mean or angry. "None of this is your fault. You did nothing wrong. Please remember, Amaris, we didn't take you away from your mother because we wanted to hurt you. Your mom needs help, and you don't deserve the treatment you were receiving."

I punched my thighs again in frustration. "You don't understand! My mom isn't that bad, I reasoned. "She loves my brother and me, can we ever live with her again?"

Lana closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. "That is not up to me. It depends on your mother."

She pushed a loose hair behind her ear. "I wish I could tell you how things will work out, but I can't. We have to do what's in your best interest first. We will see what happens," she said through a smile, which almost made me feel better.

Through the window behind my social worker, I saw a van pull into the driveway where we were parked.

"That's them." Lana popped her car trunk. "You are stronger than you think. You have already been through so much. Do not let your mother's actions ruin the life you are being offered."