Finding Us Again

I'm Here. I'm Not Leaving.

I tossed my phone on the floor and laid my head back.
I couldn't stop the tears. I couldn't stop this pain in my chest. And couldn't stop the feeling of my heart and soul breaking.

I put my phone on silent. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't do it. Any of it.
I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to hear anyone telling me it was going to be ok. I couldn't do it right now.

I grabbed my phone and my blanket, it was the blanket Ian and I always used when we were laying on the couch, I got up and grabbed a bottle of wine out of the kitchen and made my way up to my room after making sure the lights were off and the doors were locked.

I turned the movie on in my bedroom and turned on my little lap. Shutting my door and sitting on my bed.
I poured a glass of wine and just held it in my hand looking at the glass.

I don't know how in the hell I was still crying. I don't know how I still had any tears left in me to cry out. Bit somehow they were still falling. And I couldn't make them stop.

I heard the door open and just figured it was Lane. Whenever she was in LA she stayed here with me. I wasn't expecting her. But that wasn't unusual. The alarm pad in my room didn't light up. So I knew it had to be her. Or the alarm wouldn't went off.

It was 2 am. So I knew she wouldn't come upstairs. She'd just go straight to her room and see me in the morning.

I wasn't paying attention to anything really. Or I would've heard her coming up the stairs.
She knocked on the door and I tried to make it sound like I wasn't crying.

"I'm here. Just um... I just got out the shower." I said loud enough for her to hear me but not hear that I'd been crying.

"Nina." I heard from the other side of the door. And tears started to fall harder. It was Edna.

She opened the door and poked her head in. I guess she was checking to see if I had clothes on since I had just lied and told her I had just gotten out of the shower.

"Um... Hey Mama. What are... What are you doing here?" I asked.
She opened the door and stepped inside. Closing it behind her.
I forgot she had a key to my place. And knew my alarm code.

"I was worried and wanted to come check on you, since you hung up and wouldn't answer your phone." She said standing at the door.
I could see the worried look she had in her eyes as she looked at me. And I could also see sadness. But as much as I hate it, in a weird way, it made me feel better.

Seeing the sadness and worry she had in her eyes while looking at me made me feel better. Because it reassured me that she still loved me. And cared about me. And wanted me to be ok. That she was still the second mom I had grown so close to. And loved so much.

I put my hand over my face and just cried. I don't know how to explain the sound of pain that escaped my mouth.

"Oh baby. It's gonna be ok." She said as she walked over to me.
She took the wine out of my hand and say it on the table.

I instantly crawled back onto my bed and curled up into a ball.
She sat on the edge of my bed and rubbed my back in a soothing motion while softly saying "Shh. It's ok baby. You're ok. Just breathe."