Finding Us Again

I'm Here. I'm Not Leaving.

"Nina, turn the camera on." She said.

"Mama seriously I'm fine. You didn't have to call and check on me. And we don't have to FaceTime. I'm ok." I tried to tell her.

"Nina turn the camera on or I'm hanging up and calling Chell and we'll both call you." She said, calling my mom by the nickname her and Rob have always called her.

I knew she was serious though. I had no choice but to turn it on. As much as I didn't want to do it, I knew I had to.
I took 2 big deep breaths and gave in, turning on the camera.
I didn't say anything. I didn't even look at the phone. I just looked down at my hand.
I looked down at the ring on my finger that Ian had gotten me while we were all in Jamaica after our first anniversary.

It was a simple platinum band with both of our birthstones set flat in it. Ian had 'Forever Us (something we always said to one another) I & N' engraved on the inside of it. He had given it to me at dinner on our 3rd night there.
Apparently he had it made the first day we got here when him and Paul were out.

I haven't been able to bring myself to take it off. I've worn it everyday since the day he'd give it to me.
I had the necklace he'd gotten me for my birthday in my hand. The chain wrapped loosely around my fingers.

"Nina baby." Mama said. And I wanted to look at her so bad. But I couldn't bring myself to do it.

"Nina please look at me." She pleaded with me.
I took a deep breath and looked up at my phone.

"Oh baby. Are you ok?" She asked. I could see the worry in her eyes.
I couldn't bring myself to say anything.

"Nina, darling, please say something. Talk to me." She said. I could hear the concern in her voice.

"I... I don't..." I stuttered to get out.

"Baby just breath. You can say what ever you want to say. It's me and you. We've always talked about everything. You can say whatever you or need to say." She said with such a sweet and sincere voice.

"I... I don't... I just... I still... I still love him mom." I cried out and put my hand over my face.
I couldn't stop the steady and heavy stream of tears from falling.

"Oh baby. I know you do. And I know he does too. It's gonna be ok. You're gonna be ok." She said. Her voice cracking.

"It's not. And I won't. Nothing is gonna be ok. I'm not gonna be ok." I cried.

"I know it seems like that right now. But it's just for now. It's just the beginning. But you my darling are strong. You will be ok. You'll get through this." She said.

"Not this time. Not this. I won't recover from this. From this pain that I have in my chest. My heart hurts. It's broken. I love him. And I can't help it." I cried out again. I was breaking and I couldn't stop it or help it.

"Oh baby." She said and I interrupted her.

"Mom I can't do this. I have to go." I told her.

"Nina wait. Just wait baby." She said.

"I can't mom. I just can't. I love you." I said and hung up.