Finding Us Again

I'm Here. I'm Not Leaving.

And when Ian and I broke up, Edna called me every single day for over 8 months. Just to check in on me. To see if I was ok andnto see if I needed anything.
She even came to see me every time she was in town. She'd bring me sweets and little gifts from home (here) and we'd sit and talk for hours about everything anything.

I always asked her if Ian knew she was coming to see me. And if he was ok with it.
She'd always say the same thing.
"Yes baby, he knows I'm here. He's fine with it. He knows I'm not going to stop loving. You're my daughter too Nina. Always." And it always made me smile.
She slipped one time and said "he knows I'm not going to stop loving you, just like he's not and hasn't." There was an awkward silence after she said that. Now that I think about it I can't help but smile. She knew. She's always known. So has my mom.

I remember after I found out that he was engaged she had called me. The same night.

-Flashback-

I was sitting on my couch with The Longest Ride on. I wasn't paying attention to it at all.

I was a complete mess. I got home as soon as I could and immediately changed into pajama shorts and one of Ian's IFS t-shirts. It still smelled like him.
I was sitting on the couch just crying. I couldn't stop and I couldn't help it.

I was looking at a picture of Ian and I from the one of our weekend on the lake vacations.
Thinking way to much about our life together and the love we shared.

My phone rang yet again. And I was going to hit ignore yet again. Just like I had been doing all night since walking in my door.
I looked down at my phone ready to hit ignore and send whoever it was calling "to check on me" to voicemail. They could leave a message and I'd text them when I was ready.

But I couldn't. I looked at the screen only to see "Mama Smolder☄" with a picture of her, my mom and I on the beach. Standing with our feet in the water. I was standing I'm the middle of them and they had their arms wrapped around me.
It was taken the last vacation we took together before Ian and I broke up.

I couldn't ignore her call. She'd know I ignored it. And then she'd call my mom and they'd call on 3-way. And that's the last thing I needed. I had to answer it. Because the same thing would happen if I didn't answer.
I tried to gather myself so I wouldn't sound like I was sobbing like a baby.

"Hey mama. What's up?" I said into the phone.

"Nina, baby, how are.... Are you ok?" She asked. I could hear the concern and worry in her voice.

"Oh yeah. I'm... I'm ok mama. Just... I'm ok." I said wiping the tears off my face. Desperately hoping she couldn't tell I was crying.

"Oh Nina. You don't have to hide it baby. Not from me. You know that. And I can tell you're crying." She said. Damnit. I knew she'd be able to tell. She knew me.

"No I'm... I'm not crying. I'm ok." I said in a softer voice.

Then I heard it. She was switching from the call to FaceTime. And I couldn't reject it.

I hit the button to accept the FaceTime. But I turned my camera so she couldn't see me.
I knew my hair was a mess and I knew she'd see the t-shirt I was wearing.
Plus I know my eyes are red and puffy as hell. I've been crying for the last 2 1/2 hours. There was no doubt in my mind that there tear stains on my cheeks.