I'm saying "I do"....but not for Love

Chapter 34

Katy's POV

I awoke again the next morning, emotionally wrung out, and physically still in pain. I knew Jordan wanted a family. I remembered all the little dreams he had that we had talked about late one night.

He wanted to rock our first little baby to sleep late at night.

He wanted to show our kids off to everyone around.

He wanted to be the best Daddy he could possibly be.

He wanted lots of adorable "mini-Jordans" running around in the yard around our house.

He wanted to put up a swingset in the backyard for our kids to play on.

He wanted to teach a little girl how to dance and take her to all the father-daughter dances that were held.

He wanted a little boy to teach how to throw a football and hit a baseball.

He wanted to teach little munchkins to ride a bike on our driveway. 

He wanted to have family-wide pillow fights late at night when we tucked our kids into bed.

He wanted to take them on vacation to a lake and teach them how to water-ski and knee-board.

He wanted to have a couple of girls and a couple of boys. 

But I couldn't give him any of those. Not even one.

I pressed my fist to my mouth and tried to subdue the tears I felt bubbling up within me. My attempt to hold back the sobs was an epic fail. I cried. For myself. For Jordan. For the children I could never have. For the grandchildren that I couldn't have for Mr. and Mrs. Hall to dote on and spoil. For the neices and nephews I couldn't have for Carter to hang around with (as long as he stayed in good shape). I cried and cried.

There was a knock on the door to my room. I wiped my eyes frantically on the hospital sheet, trying to wipe away any trace of the tears. "Come in," I called.

The nurse stepped through the door. "Good evening dearie. How are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm alright," I lied.

 "Well, I came to check your IVs and see if you needed anything."

"No thank you," I replied. 

She nodded kindly. "Okay. Also, there's a group of people waiting here to see you if you're feeling up to it. Family and a few friends."

I didn't want to see anyone, but I knew they would only worry more if I didn't see them. I sighed, willing myself to be strong. "Okay." She started to walk out but I stopped her. "One more thing real quick before you leave. Jordan doesn't know about...about the....hyste--hyste--hysterectomy does he?"