I love you , Why can't you love me back?

P19-Love potion ?

it's already 2 am and she's still awake.. she just lie on her back with both arms resting on her stomach..
Luhan glanced at her like every minute, and she was just staring at the blank ceiling like she is in her deep thoughts..
And he swear even if she's beside me, he can't stop but to think about her.. and he doesn't know why.
so he decided to call Ji eun in the thought of maybe he can make his mind more at peace when he talks to her. So that his mind won't be occupied by his creepy wife. And his plan worked... Ji eun did saved him from thinking about Hee Rin..
maybe because Ji eun is his true love.. while Hee Rin.. he doesn't know. Maybe she annoys him too much that he can't take her out of his mind? or maybe... He was just scared to admit that her name was already engraved in his mind, and maybe in heart as well.

YOU
I didn't sleep at all.
I don't know.. I just feel like something is wrong... something is not right..
I feel like I am not meant to be here.. sleeping.. with him.. in one bed.
and I can hear the voices of the freaks at school, including Luhan's ugly princess, they were all shouting through my mind..
"YOU'RE A SLUT!" they shouted.. and I can see their faces popping one by one as I was staring at this blank ceiling..
while Luhan would toss around every minute that is not helping to ease my mind ..
I know that he doesn't want me to be here with him, but can't he just pretend that I am not here? cause I will accept that whole heartedly.. than showing me that I am not the girl that he wants to spend the night with... cause it really hurts. And not only that... he also called Ji eun while I am just lying here beside him....
He didn't even know that I am now suffering from pain he's giving me. That feeling that I always wanted tp give him up and convince myself that I am just too stupid to love him. Everything he had done for me is nothing but pain and I don't know why I keep on loving him.
I hate myself and I hate this heart of mine. I was too tired from loving him but if ever I had given a chance to do something about my heart.. I will surely crash it to the extent that it can't love him anymore. So that I won't feel this pain anymore cause it's just too painful that I want to die. Calling Ji Eun when lying beside me, seriously? Does my existence matter to him? Even a bit? No?
but you know what is the most stupidest thing that runs in my mind right now? It's my dream..
the one of my biggest dream is to sleep with him.. I don't mean have sex.. I mean sleep. together. under the blankets. With my hands on his chest and his arms around me. With the window cracked, so it's chilly and we have to cuddle closer. no talking. just sleepy, blissfully happy, silence..
but I didn't know that this dream would turn out to be so painful like this..
I always wonder why am I so unlucky? why can't I be loved with my own husband? am I not deserving? Do I really deserve to suffer?
all I just wanted is to be loved.. by the person that I love the most.
I keep on falling inlove with him.. I never felt how could he give me so much pleasure yet so much pain..

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it's been 2 days since that night.. everything is in it's normal way again.
this is my everyday life routine: I go to school, the freaks wouldn't leave me alone.. I just want to kill them.
I go to the library to read books about cooking.. then after class, I go straight home..
prepare some dinner for my Luhan.. but he won't eat it because he planned to eat his dinner before going home.. maybe with ji eun or maybe with his friends..
lock myself on my room and write something on my diary. Cause it's the only friend I got that I can share my feelings with.. cause Eunjung, my other friend.. was far away and I can't talk to her everyday cause she also has her schedules.. and sometimes, I go shopping.. alone.. because Luhan doesn't want to go shopping with me..
or sometimes, I'll go with his friend Tao .. and he becomes my shopping buddy. and we bought some gucci bags..
and now... it's wednesday.. after my class, I decided to go shopping again with Tao.
we're arguing about what store are we going to enter first.. I told him that I want to go check out the new arrivals from mango.. while he wants to go check out the new arrivals from gucci.. but we ended up going to mango first..
after buying things that we want.. we just roam around the mall and find some interesting shops.. and we stopped infront of this creepy shop full of antiques and scary things..
Tao's right arm were intertwined with mine.. while he's biting his fingers on his left hand.. he looks so scared while we're checking every weird things inside this shop..
and then suddenly, there's this little bottle that caught my eyes..

"is this effective?" I asked to the saleslady.. she nodded..
I look at tao, he shook his head and was mouthing 'that's not true'
I know that this is stupid.. but I want to try it.. just for fun..

we were sitting on the bench that are located outside the store.. I was staring at the love potion that I bought a moment ago..
"yah.. that's not effective" tao exclaimed.
"but what if it is?" I asked.
"it's not.. give me that, I'll try it" he snatched the bottle from my hand.. but I snatched it back quickly.
"yah!! are you crazy?! what if you fall inlove with me after drinking this?" I asked angrily.
"I was just kidding..." he pouted.

Luhan.... get ready....