Catastrophically Carla (Lesbian Story)

Entry Forty Seven (same day): 5/17

    I went over to Kevin's, knowing his mom wouldn't be home since she told me she had to "run to the office" after Church. So when I was there, I asked for a cig. I know, I don't know what I was thinking! But I was in the moment, being a stupid teen.

     He said no, anyway. Thank,God! But his reason was puzzling, and so sweet.

     He said just because he smoked doesn't mean I should, which broke my heart and pumped it at the same time. He said he is fulfilling his promise to Jennifer. He said he has no purpose in life, no aspirations (not even his band, which can actually go somewhere), no one to lose. But I, he began, have life ahead of me. 

     I was kinda mad. How could he be so blind and selfish!

     I practically yelled at him and said that I was his friend and I cared about him and I'd miss him. A lot more than I probably think now. And his mom loves him. She proved it through his apology that he knows about. 

     "I think I'm becoming an addict," Kevin said, propping open a window to allow air to pass through the room.

      I shook my head.

     "Addicts don't know their addicted 'till they can't go twenty minutes without something to satisfy them physically and mentally. I think you're addicted a promise you made. You feel obliged, like you have to do this or else Jennifer will never forgive you or whatever. Like she'd be disappointed and heartbroken. You blame yourself for Jenn's suicide." 

     "No, Carla, shut up!" Kevin snapped, which didn't phase me. At this point, I was used to it, and expecting it when he's high. "I mean, yeah, but...You don't understand! Jennifer is waiting for me somewhere...I have to go see her!"

     "Then don't you kill yourself, the? Huh? Why don't you just shorten this process-"

     "Because it's not that easy, okay?"

     Kevin took a long swig and blew out all that smoke in my face. His eyes were red and angry and sad and confused all at the same time, and I become so heartbroken. I'm practically watching my friend die right before my eyes. The worst part: that's his intention.

     "You won't just end it because you'll miss living. You'll miss your mom, you'll miss playing music, you'll miss me-"

     "I hate my mom. She just wants me to change who I am."

     "This isn't who  you are, Kevin. Maybe she can be annoying and inconsiderate, but you know what? You're out of control! You need help, okay, and we are here for you." I pause, letting this sink in for him. "You have hope.  You want to live. It's human instinct, it's okay. Jennifer won't be mad if you stopped smoking. I think...I think she'd be glad."

     "You don't know her." 

     I stood up so I could properly talk to him.

     "No, I don't. But I do know this." I took his hand free hand carefully in mine. "If she really loved  you at all-or if was even a good person, period-she'd want you to live your life the way you want to and die at your own time. I don't think she'd want to be a burden on your shoulders. If I were here, neither would I."

     Kevin put out his cigarette and crashed into me. I held him tight as he cried, bringing me back to our time on the hill-which he's never taken me back to. Too many memories.

     A few minutes, serious back pain, and a soaking shirt later...

     "I fucking love you," Kevin said. 

     "I love you, too."

     Kevin stands up, regaining his balance and sniffing madly.

     "Sorry, I got snot on you."

     "Ew!" I squeal, grabbing his hand to wipe it off. He pulled away and instead I touched the gooey substance produced from heartache. "Gee, thanks." 

     Kevin opened his drawer and took out all the packs of cigarettes. He set them on the counter.

     "First step to healing: Burning this shit away. Second step: Telling mom I've been stealing her money, though she probably already knows, and then telling her I love her."

     "That's my boy."