Catastrophically Carla (Lesbian Story)

Entry Five: 1/22

  Ugh, Algebra sucked today. Number one, Mrs. Long pairs us up very deliberately with people she knows don't get along. We did a test review packet all class. My poor hand hurts!

     I hate anything that has to do with working with another person. Pairing up, seminars, group projects, lab partners...I hate it all. No one wants to be my partner. I understand there are some people that others don't really jump to be partners with, but for me, if someone is paired up with me, they'll let me know just how much they hate it. And me. They're probably chanting in their head "please, don't let me be with Carla" a billion times or if not, it's 'cause they don't even know I exist. This has been going on for so freaking long I just feel like killing myself. No one would miss me other than maybe Nina and my moms but sometimes I feel like my moms don't care. If they actually loved me, they'd break up or whatever.

     Oh, so when Mrs. Long said we could pick our partners, I swear to God, I died a lot inside. She has never let us pick our partners. Others might hate getting assigned to someone, but that's the best thing that can happen to me, especially in classes with an odd number of students. Ugh, those are the worst!

     I looked at Sarah hoping our pen swapping put some kind of bond between us. Nope. She's been avoiding me since the whole lunch incident. I don't know why. Those kinds of things happen to me every day.

     But I kinda do hate her.

     I, you know, waited around, looking desperately at people smiling with their friends, immediately starting gossip and whatever else. I probably looked like a freaking retard.

     When everybody had partnered up, I told Mrs. Long, who didn't even seem surprised at all! Some pretty girl whispered, "loser" to me. I felt like crawling under a rock.

     I asked the class who didn't have a partner and I stood there expecting no one to raise their hand and she either assigning me with an already made group of two or telling me I could be hers. I imagined people laughing and me grabbing a pencil and stabbing myself in the eye.

      Okay, ouch.

     Someone raised that hand. I remember my heart fluttering at the sight of that hand. Oh, my God. That hand it made my day already. I'm weird. This all happened some hours ago but I'm replaying it in my head over and over again. I just remember the sheer happiness that enveloped me.

     So, I worked with Chris. He's new. And cute. But of course, he doesn't look at me twice. He's super nice though. I just really need a friend right now more than an intimate partner. Baby steps, my friend, baby steps.

     Oh, yeah, Chris if from Maine. He has a slight accent but not really different from everyone else's around here. Maybe it's just the way he talks. I don't know. We actually had a conversation. Like a real conversation. We talked about Maine, his home, his siblings, what he like to do for fun...I don't have an interesting life so things about me were practically nonexsistent. Oh, and get this. He said he was glad he was finally talking to somebody. What? He's so cute, I imagine him getting all the girls soon. How does somebody like him have difficulty making friends. I am so confused.

     Anyway, I'm gonna go dream about CONNER PRIDE. <3 <3 <3