The Love I Need

Chapter 70

I'm scrambling out of the large pickup truck before Theo has a chance to put it in Park and cut the engine. I don't know what my plan is. I don't have one. I just know I had to get out of the vehicle and put some space between us if I am going to make it out of this situation alive.

"Emilia!" Theo jumps out of the truck, leaving his door wide open as he follows after me along the side of the road. "What is going on? What's wrong?"

I back away from him, throwing my hands up in front of me to keep him at a distance, and ask the question that I've been shoving down for weeks now. "What are we doing, Theo?"

He gives me a confused look and reaches up to scratch his beard. "We're driving home from dinner."

Was that supposed to be funny?

"That's not what I meant!"

He sighs and takes a slow step toward me. "What do you mean then, Princess?"

"I'm not your Princess!" I snap back at him and then add in a quieter voice, "I'm not your anything."

"Milia..." The confused look on his face has turned into a pained expression. "You know that's not true."

"It's not? Then what am I to you, Theo?"

"You're—" He tries to answer me but I'm not finished.

"You've already said you can't marry me! So what are we doing? Are we friends? 'Cause we act like we're more than that. Are we dating? If you don't want to marry me, then what's the point?"

Now his expression of confusion and pain has changed again. It looks a little bit like anger. "I do want to marry you!"

"Oh, right," I answer sarcastically, "you just won't!"

"Milia, I..." His voice softens and he pinches the bridge of his nose and closes his eyes before he speaks again. "It's not like I'm trying to be difficult. I'm just thinking ahead. My faith... It's important to me."

What does that have to do with anything?

"I know that, Theo. It's not like I'm asking you to give it up!"

"Maybe not outrightly. Not now... But that would change if we got married, whether you meant for it to or not."

"How do you figure?"

He tries to reach for my hand but I back away. He sighs and presses his palms against his thighs as if he's trying to restrain himself from reaching for me again.

"Let's say I could handle going to church every week on my own while my wife stays home..." He frowns and sadly shakes his head. "It'd kill me, you know. It already sort of does... Knowing that there's this love and peace that faith could bring you, but that you want no part of it. But let's pretend, for a minute, that I could move past that. What happens if we have kids?"

My eyes drop to the ground. My throat feels thick with the sob that I've trapped there. I know that if I let it out, if I even look at Theo right now, I'll never be able to stop myself from crying.

"Are they going to stay home with you or come to church with me? 'Cause I'll tell you now, I'm going to want them with me. As their father, it'd be my job to teach them, to answer their questions, to raise them in the faith. But what happens when their questions are: Why doesn't mom come with us? Can we stay home with mom? 'Cause of course they're going to want to stay home with you! You're amazing, they're going to love you. I'm going to want to stay home with you, so it's not like I could blame them."

He pauses, giving me a chance to add to the conversation, but when I don't he presses on.

"Everything about my life is interwoven with my beliefs. Or, at least, it should be... It kills me that you don't understand it because I want your life to have that same peace and love that mine has. I can love you with every fibre in my being—and I do—but it will still never compare to the love I'm talking about. And I could try to move past that and accept it but in the back of my head I'm always going to want more for you, for any kids we may have, and I'm not going to want to give up. I'm going to end up pushing for it, even though I know I can't force my beliefs on you, and what happens when you resent me for that?"