The Love I Need

Chapter 59

"Oh, Theo. What we just did... You're still a virgin. Don't get me wrong, that was amazing. But it wasn't sex."

Theo doesn't look like he appreciates my patronizing comment. "I know that."

"Wait. So..." I sit up and move my feet to the floor. "You're telling me that you've had sex before?"

He gives a short nod. "That's what I'm telling you." He begins walking to the staircase.

"Theo!" There's no way that he thinks he's walking away after dropping that bomb on me. "Why the fuck did you tell me that you're a virgin?"

He stops walking and turns back to look at me, an uncomfortable expression of regret on his face. "I didn't tell you... You just assumed, and I didn't correct you." He frowns and scratches his beard. "I'm sorry for that dishonesty. It just—"

"If you're not a virgin then why the fuck are you not balls deep inside of me right now?!"

Theo groans and runs a hand over his face.

My anger fizzes out into the real issue that's eating away at me—my insecurity. My eyes drop to the floor. "You don't want me."

The soft words have barely left my mouth, and then Theo is standing in front of me. He drops to his knees and holds my face in his hands, forcing me to meet his eyes.

"I want you," he says emphatically. His lips connect with mine and the passion in the kiss does everything to show me just how true his words are. "I want you," he says again. "I want you more than I've ever wanted anything."

He leans in to kiss me again, and when he pulls back his eyes search mine with a pained expression. "And that's why I can't have you, Emilia... Not like this."

"That doesn't make any fucking sense!" I push on his shoulders to move him away from me and stand up from the couch. "You are so full of shit, Theo. Why won't you just tell me why you won't have sex with me?"

"I have told you. I don't have sex—"

"Except, you just told me that you do!"

"No." He shakes his head while slowly moving off of his knees to stand up again. "I have... I did. But I don't anymore. I haven't in a while. So even though I want you, I..."

He drifts off when I walk out of the room, heading down the hallway to the bathroom.

"Milia, wait," he calls out while he comes after me. "We should talk about this. I—"

"Leave me alone!" The bathroom door slams behind me, and Theo doesn't finish his sentence—at least not loud enough for me to hear it.

"Milia..." There's a soft knock on the door, followed by his voice which carries an exhausted tone. "I'm going to shower upstairs and go to work. Give us some time to cool off... but we're going to talk about this. I mean it. Cal said you have my number now? Please send me a message or give me a call if you're ready to talk before I'm home."

I hold my fist against my mouth to keep myself from replying. Somewhere along my way to the bathroom, I started crying. I can't even manage to explain to myself why. I don't want to have to come up with an explanation for Theo.

"Even if you're not ready to talk about this... Feel free to message me or call me about anything else too, okay? I'll be thinking about you."

He seems to be waiting for me to say something but I still can't allow myself to reply.

I hear his footsteps carrying him back down the hallway a moment later.

He's probably wondering if he'll ever manage to leave for the day without feeling like he owes me an explanation first. And I wonder how many more times he'll think it's worth putting up with...