The Love I Need

Chapter 40

I toss and turn but I can't find a position in which I'm comfortable enough to sleep. It's not the bed—it's a ridiculously comfortable bed, actually. Way too nice to be in a spare bedroom—I just feel restless.

Fucking Theodore, getting me all hot and bothered only to tell me that he's "saving himself". I mean, I guess I was the one to start massaging his leg, but he didn't have to make those sexy sounds or cradle my cheek while his dark brown eyes burned into mine.

It's probably a good thing that he turned me down before anything could start. He's never done anything to make me feel like he would hurt me, but he is a really huge and solid guy. If things started getting hot and heavy between us and he got on top of me, there's no telling which memories would take over or how I would react to them. I remember too well the way he intimidated the fuck out of me when I first met him. It wouldn't take much for him to do it again, even without meaning to.

So yes, this is a good thing.

I am staying in the house of a man I hardly know, but at least I know that he doesn't want to fuck me.

That should make me feel safe, and I guess it sort of does. But mostly, I just feel lonely.

I also feel really stupid.

If I had just left things alone and hadn't started feeling up his thigh we wouldn't be in this awkward mess. I'd probably be sitting on the couch with him right now.

Fuck it. I will just go to his room, knock on the door, and demand he forget the whole damn thing.

I toss the blankets off of my body, get out of the bed and tug on a pair of leggings before I enter the hallway to do just that. But when I walk past the bathroom and reach the other bedroom door, I hesitate. My hand hovers inches away, ready to knock, but I can't bring myself to complete the action.

What am I supposed to say... Beg him to still be my friend even if he doesn't want to bone me?

My hand drops to my side again and I head for the staircase. I'll just pretend nothing happened tomorrow and hope for the best. Hell, the guy wakes up so early for work that I probably won't see him until tomorrow evening anyway. By then, the incident will be less fresh and hopefully less awkward.

My assumptions are thrown out the window when I near the bottom of the stairs and find the TV playing at a low volume. I hesitate again, wondering if I should say something or just walk through to the kitchen to get another cigarette.

Theo makes my decision for me when he stretches an arm along the back of the couch and turns to look over his shoulder at me. "Everything good?" he asks, searching my face with a hint of concern in his eyes.

I nod as I walk around the couch to stand in front of him. "I'm fine. Just feeling a little..." I shrug and change the course of my sentence. "I can't sleep. Must've napped too long today."

"Ah," he replies with a knowing nod. He looks at me for a beat longer, then moves his eyes to the TV screen and gestures to it. "Do you watch The Walking Dead?"

I look at the TV just in time to see a man shoot a growling, little girl that's missing half her face. I look back to Theo, a little startled by his choice of what to watch, and shake my head. "I haven't seen this one."

Theo clicks the remote to pause it. "It's a TV show about zombies. Cal and April were into it for a while and I kept meaning to try it out. Not sure how I feel about it yet. You want to watch it with me? I can restart the episode if you want."

I shrug and take a seat on the other side of the couch. "Sure. You don't need to restart it though. I'm sure I'll catch on."

"Alright. Just let me know if you want to watch something else though, okay? I've been told it gets pretty gruesome."