The Love I Need

Chapter 46

The early morning sun is shining through the windows, the birds are chirping, my bed is comfortable, and everything feels wrong.

There's no alarm blaring. There's no body squished along my back, and no heavy arm resting over my side. There's no deep breathing near my ear or scratchy beard catching in my hair.

I'm free to stretch out in every direction, and it's a type of freedom that feels... awful, and so very lonely.

My first thoughts are about Theo.

How did he sleep? Is he awake? What the hell is going on between us?

I don't bother changing out of my pyjamas. I'm too eager to have my questions answered. But when I get downstairs, the house is quiet.

I follow the scent of coffee to the kitchen.

Leaning against the coffee maker rests a note written on a small piece of lined paper that looks to have been torn out of a notebook.

Emilia,
I had to run out for the morning and have church after but I'll be back before noon. There's bacon in the warming tray of the oven. You're on your own for eggs.
I hope you had a good sleep. My morning felt off without you. I'm sorry for upsetting you. I'm sorry for leaving this morning before we had a chance to talk.
And I'm sorry for writing this crap in a note. Who does that?
You make me weird(er).
-Theodore

I smile at the way he signed his name. Actually, I smile at every word he wrote.

I'm pathetic. I haven't even seen him yet, and I'm ready to completely move on from the annoyance and hurt I felt over the way he acted yesterday.

But did he really act so badly? Maybe I was just being a brat...

My thoughts go back and forth while I pour a mug of coffee from the pot and pull the carton of eggs from the fridge.

One minute, I'm sure that I did the right thing by letting him know I was upset and going to bed alone. The next minute, I'm regretting every bit of my decision and wishing I could go back in time and curl up with him on the couch to get a good night's sleep. And somewhere along the way, I'm daydreaming about his soothing voice talking low in my ear, calling me his good girl, right before he kisses me senseless.

And on and on, my thoughts repeat in a continuous loop while I make my eggs, eat breakfast, sit on the porch swing for a smoke, and then have a shower.

It's nine o'clock now. Roughly three more hours before I'll see my mind's obsession. And I have no idea what to do with myself.

I need a damn hobby.

I resort to having another cigarette, even though I know that will only help kill time for a couple of minutes. I opt for the backyard this time. As much as I love the porch swing, a change in scenery might be good for my overactive mind.

When I sit in one of the low Muskoka chairs, I notice the glass ashtray resting on the wide armrest. It's filled to the brim.

So much for Cal smoking less than Theo... I have a feeling he snuck over here last night to chain smoke. With the way his knee was bouncing yesterday, it was obvious that he was still on edge from our talk Friday afternoon. I wonder if that's what he wanted to talk to Theo about last night just before Theo headed home.

In no time, my cigarette is done. I precariously snuff it out in the ashtray and then carry the glass dish inside to empty it into the garbage.

There's a loud, repetitive knock at the front entrance. I set the ashtray down on the counter and frown to myself as I go to answer it. My frown grows when I hear April's voice calling through the closed door, "Open up, Emilia! I know you're in there!"