The music blast through the speakers as I scream the lyrics in an attempt to forget my earlier actions. I keep hearing that things are going to come easier and that eventually, I'll either enjoy what I do or not care about it at all.
But when will that be?
Screaming the words again, they don't stop the memories from peaking back into my mind. The image of deep red flashes through my head and screams stay stuck in my ears.
Stop! Please make it stop!
Falling to my knees, I beg for the torment to be over. I never wanted this for my life, so how did I get here?
'That's easy. You want to please him. You can't handle being abandoned again, so you do whatever he asks out of desperation. You were aware of the arrangement when he first asked. You're the idiot that decided to agree to it. You brought this on yourself. You have no one else to blame but, yourself.'
Is it really worth it? Maybe I can disappear?
'And where will you go? You have no home or friends. He's all you have.'
"I'll help you. Just let me in, and I'll help you get away and forget about it all."
"No!"
"Are you sure? You can't keep going on like this Matthias. You're going to break, but I can make it all better for you if you let me."
"I'm not going to let you in. I can't. I can't lose myself. Not like him."
'Mister high and mighty. You don't want to lose yourself, but you already slowly are. You can feel it If you keep going on like this, you'll lose yourself completely anyway. You're going to go crazy, or just end it. Is that really better?'
No, but I can't let him in.
"Let's make a compromise then. You don't have to let me in but listen to me and I'll give you strength. I'll even show you how to shut it all off and keep the memories from haunting you. Is that good enough? Do we have a deal?"
"Fine, I'll listen to you, for now."
"Okay. Now turn it off. Imagine a switch in your head and flip it."
Doing what he says, the pain is gone instantly, but so are all my other emotions. I'm aware of everything around me but have no feelings toward it. And even when the memories flash into my head, I have no feelings toward them either. No pain or desperation to block them out.
I feel nothing.
YOU ARE READING
The Past Awakened (Distorted reality book 1)
Mystery / Thriller*Warning, topics of mental illness and trauma are brought up in this novel.* Living a calm life after years of struggling, Maddy meets two new gentlemen that shift things in her world. Issues she tried hard to put behind her begin to pop back into h...
