Only You - [Lip Gallagher]

fall apart

I nervously walk down 53rd Street, I don't know why I'm nervous, Lip and I broke up–he's fucked other girls during and after the relationship, it's totally okay. Right?

"Hey, over here." I hear Adam's voice softly call me, my face lightens up as I see him, at least he didn't ditch me, "Hi." I smile as I take a seat across from him, "I ordered you an iced caramel, is that okay? You seemed like a caramel girl." He looks nervous, I nod with a cheeky grin, "Actually, this is what I order." I smile and take a sip, once I swallow my anxiety fills my body, did he just roofie me? Am I that one dumb bitch in every movie or book that drinks the drink and gets got? Holy shit, I hate myself. My leg begins to bounce rapidly from my thoughts running around in my head, "Sadie?" Adam questions, bringing my attention back to reality, "Sorry, I was spacing out." I say, "Is everything okay?" He asks and I nod, "What did you want to meet here for?" I ask, changing the topic to avoid talking about my mental state and well being, spoiler alert; it's shitty. "I just uh, wanted to get to know you better outside of the office setting." He smiles, shivers run down my spine and not the good ones–am I overreacting? "That's sweet of you but there's not much to know about me." I chuckle nervously, "Of course there is." He grabs my hand gently, "You're a beautiful girl from Chicago who makes astounding grades and doesn't party or join sororities, you are very intriguing." He smiles at me and I chuckle again nervously, "Yeah, partying isn't my thing and school for some reason has always come easily to me, however, my grammar sometimes sucks but everything else I'm pretty good at. English has never been my strong suit." I ramble, "Ahh, I'm the opposite, shitty at math and science, great at english and history." He chuckles and lets go of my hand, putting it back towards him, "Crazy how I'm a law major and hate the two things you need for law." I joke about myself and he snickers, "Yeah but, you're a very smart girl, you'll figure it out. I believe in you." Those words give me butterflies, nobody really tells me that, it's different. A good different.

His comment makes me blush and grin from ear to ear, "Thank you." I accept his compliment. I have a hard time doing that, I never feel good enough to accept the ones I receive. That's what happens when you fall in love with a narcissist, Philip Ronan Gallagher. Philip Ronan Gallagher. His name makes me soft and gushy, I love him so much, so much that it hurts. I can't do this to him, "Adam, I'm sorry but I have to go." I say, standing up, "What's wrong?" He asks nervously, "Nothing, can I take a rain check? I have a horrible headache and I don't want to ruin this get-together by not being able to focus on your pretty, handsome face." I compliment him so he doesn't get offended. Of course I meant what I said, he is gorgeous but Lip is who I want. "Want to go back to my place? The lighting is much dimmer there." He stands up and places his hand gently on mine, "I wouldn't want to intrude." I try to get out of it, I'm not getting a good feeling. "You could never, come on." He places his hand on my lower-back and guides me to his car.

Shit

++

The short car ride to Mr. Martin's house felt like an eternity. I memorized every stop and turn, just in case. "We're here." Adam says, gently as he gets out of the car and hurries to my side, opening the door and helping me out. "You feeling better?" He asks as he guides me inside, I nod softly, "Yeah, I'm fine." I say, walking into his house hesitantly. "Take a seat wherever, I'm gonna grab you a blanket and help yourself to anything in the kitchen and feel free to put on a movie or a show." He says, sounding more nervous than how I feel, maybe I'm overlooking this whole thing, maybe he's alright. Or maybe he's anxious his roofie didn't work and I'm not out yet. "Here's a blanket for you." His voice snaps me out of my thoughts, "Oh, thank you." I say softly, reaching out for it but then he wraps me in it instead, "Oh, thanks." I repeat, holding the blanket close to me, "No problem." He says with a smile then sits down, "I-I have to go." I stutter after a moment, taking the blanket from around me, "What's wrong?" He furrows his eyebrows and stands up, "I can't do this to Lip." I shake my head and sigh, "I'm so sorry." I put my head in my hands, "I shouldn't have agreed to meet with you outside of school." I say and turn on my heel to leave, "Sadie, wait," He grabs my elbow gently, "Do you need to talk? Counselor to student except in my house, not office." He chuckles to try and lighten the mood. I shake my head lightly, "I don't even know where to start." "Well, why do you feel like you're betraying Lip by being here with me?" He asks, sitting back down and guiding me down with him, "Because I still love him." I confess, "Why? Especially after all he did to you?" It sounds like jealousy fills his voice, "I thought he was my perfect timing, my 'everything feels too right to be wrong'. My 'if you jump I jump'," I softly smile at the memory from the rooftop when he stole the lazer, "My light in the middle of the dark. That hug I couldn't wait to receive every morning, noon, and night; his touch in any form was so intoxicating. He is my everything, he always will be even if I'll never be his." Tears well up in my eyes as I ramble on about my emotions, "That's such bullshit." He mutters to himself, "It's a different kind of grief," I say with a sniffle, "When the person you miss is still alive, just a phone call away, even a text. Everyone telling me that it won't hurt forever and I deserve better but I think that's what I'm afraid of. What happens after the hurting stops? Will he just be a box of memories under the bed? I don't want to ever have to remember what it's like when he says my name, when he says my name everything just seems better even when I'm falling apart." I choke back tears, I never have expressed such feelings, this is so weird. "I'm afraid to heal because healing brings me closer to forgetting and I don't want to grow further away from Lip because missing him still means a part of him is close to me." I see tears welling in Adam's eyes too, "That was the first time I've heard you express true feelings instead of your generic 'I'm okay' answer. I'm sorry I made advances and I'm sorry if you feel like I'm pushing you. I won't let this affect our relationship, we okay?" He apologizes and I nod with a soft smile, "Thank you for understanding." "It took me seven years to heal, I get it." He comforts, "Really?" I ask, shocked, "Yup, we got married at eighteen and she left me the next year. We were together for four years prior to the wedding. I didn't want to face it, I didn't want to forget her because I loved her more than life itself but I had to let go at some point, you do too. I'm here to be the emotional support I wish I had, okay?" He places his hand gently on mine and I nod, "Thank you." I say, hugging him tightly and he hugs back, "Of course." He whispers and gives me a tight hug, the hug he needed seven years ago.