Cover Girl

𝖿᥆r𝗍ᥡ-sі᥊ - 𝖿ᥲᥡᥱ

4

I swear I saw her again.  I keep seeing her. 

She's everywhere. Then nowhere.

Kai took me out of my thoughts, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.  We were at the movies.  It had grown to be the typical date between us.

I was movie-d out. 

I had begun more and more comfortable with Kai.  The only reason I'm still together with him is to please my mother, maybe show some sign that she's proud.  If I was single again, all of that would diminish.  However, dispute this, I don't think Kai is aware of it.  I'm always noticing his occasional light touches or how he's always trying to be close to me, whether is attempting to kiss me, wrapping his arms around me, or crossing the room to talk to me.

The whole charade had become exhausting.  I always felt weak and was either getting hours of sleep or no sleep at all, yet still feeling consumed with my fatigue every hour of the day.

The wafting smell of the popcorn was the only thing I could focus on.  The sickening smell of the butter taunted my every being.  I could hear the loud crunch of the kernels every time Kai took another handful into his mouth.

I could feel his hot breath on my neck before he leaned in and kissed my cheek.  He placed slow kisses on my face until his reached my mouth.  I turned away from him before he could deepen the kiss.

"What's wrong?" He asked, still leaned over the seat.

I hesitated a second before replying, "Nothing, I"m just tired I guess."  I messed with my hands that day in my lap in hopes of distracting me.  Kai sighed loudly, his butter breath hitting my face aggressively.

"I thought we were past this Faye," he huffed, "I thought you forgave me."

"I never said I did Kai.  Can you please just watch the movie," I protested, not taking my eyes off of the screen.  I didn't know anything that had happened in the movie, but it took my eyes off of him.

"Please," he grumbled, "I have proven myself to you time and time again.  Why can't you just forgive me?  I won't do it again I swear."

"Kai it's gonna take a lot longer then a few petty dates and forced kisses.  I told you, just give me time."

"How much time?  I have waited.  I need to know when you'll actually be my girlfriend again instead of an embarrassment."

"Just leave it Kai," I pleaded.

I wanted to get up and leave.  With every bone in my body, I wanted to storm out and make him feel a fraction of what he made me feel.  But instead, I kissed him gently and leaned my head back into the seat.

He groaned and slouched back into his seat, crossing his arms over his chest.  I felt bad but also really didn't.  He deserved everything coming to him.

My vision began to blur and I found myself begin to daze off.  I closed my eyes and gave into the familiar escape.

********

I woke up in my bed, curling in my covers. Kai wasn't here anymore.

I grabbed my phone from the nightstand. It was already half past 8.

I have wasted the whole day sleeping.

I felt guilted, like I wasn't doing anything to help myself.  I could be doing more.  I could be helping myself, but instead I'm wasting my time on sleep.  On a time where I'm so helpless and vulnerable and when I can't do anything.

I walked downstairs to see Matteo sitting next to Ethan on the couch.  They looked like they were watching a movie, but neither of them were paying attention.  Matteo was on the brink of tears and Ethan was silently trying to comfort him. 

I sat down next to them.  Seeing Matteo like that reminded me a lot of me now.  I remember being so full of energy and happiness, but It had all been taken away so quickly that I didn't see is coming.  Little bits and pieces have been taken from me and I've missed it every single time.  The o toy time I notice is when it's too late.

I've been fortunate enough to be blessed with the pleasantries of my life, but I still can't bring myself to be happy enough to enjoy it.

Every day, I wake up knowing I'm not worthy of my life.  I should be ecstatic to have the outcome I've had, but I'm not.  It all feels fake.  It makes me feel fake.  I don't know what's real or fake anymore. 

I remember just a couple months ago when I had enough energy to do things without the world spinning around me.

I remember just a couple months ago when I didn't have to question whether or not my best friend is gone or why I keep seeing her without really seeing her. 

I remember just a couple months ago when Kai and I were happy.  When I didn't know the extent to the pain he'd truly caused me.

I remember just a couple months ago when everything was okay.  I wasn't happy or sad.  I was numb, but I got by.  Now, I'm barely living.  Seconds drag on like hours and I feel like a prisoner in my own body.  Every time I try to convince myself to be happy, it feels like more of a foe than on a normal day.  It should be way for someone to be happy.  I see it all the time, but perhaps sometimes, the whole 'life' concept is more of a deception then it seem.  Maybe it's all fake.  Maybe nobody is really as happy as they seem.  It's all a secret

Everyone has secrets.

You just have to know if yours will destroy you or not.

QOTD: Kiss Marry Kill, Faye, Matteo, and Ethan.

Word Count: 992