Amber & Honey ~ [DR3]

39. Ignored

"Tell me that it's all alright, tell me that we'll be just fine." - Afterglow, Taylor Swift

I've never really wallowed completely in self pity like I have these last few days. Actually, I'm not sure if what I'm doing could even be classed as self pity. Maybe self preservation or self sabotage is the more apt description.

All I know is that, whatever it is, it's not good.

Lando hasn't said a word to me since Saturday night. I've only received two texts; the one telling me not to attend the race on Sunday and a single thumbs up emoji sent in response to my message that I'd landed home. It's tempting to bombard him with messages, especially since after the race finished and he almost ran away back to Monaco with Max. Instead I find myself sending one each day asking if we can at least talk about this and apologising for the whole situation. 

None of these get a response.

Not that I deserve one, he's embarrassed and I can't even say that he shouldn't be. I am. I can't believe I let it get to the point it did.

I haven't spoke to Daniel.

On that front, it's not from him not trying, he has tried, almost admirably so. I get calls that I let ring out, voicemails I can't listen to and texts that I can't bring myself to answer. No matter how many he sends.

Ambs, I'm so sorry.

Are u coming to Hungary?

I've tried to talk to Lando today, he's not hearing a word of what I'm trying to say. Have you had any luck? x

Just let me know I haven't completely fucked this.

I love you

I cried and replied to the last one, assuring him that I loved him too. That was one thing I couldn't leave him wondering about. It was the one thing I was clear about in my mind, that still, after everything, I loved Daniel entirely.

At first I thought my avoidance of him was out of anger that he let everything slip, especially infront if so many people. I now realise it's part of the whole 'self sabotage' thing I have going on here.

"Lando will come around." Mum reassures me, her hand running through my hair which I'd let air dry last night after my shower. I didn't have the Will power to sit and blow dry it as I usually would. It sits in a mass of thick, messy and slightly frizzed out loose waves which Mila has made a mission to grab for today. I have to constantly dodge her clumsy hands so she can't tug at it. It reminds me of when she was sat in Daniel's lap, reaching for his own curls at my birthday dinner.

"What if he doesn't?" I whine, I've been almost annoyingly whiney today (for the last four days if I'm being completely honest). Mila groans from the grass beside me in need of attention, babbling pained words until I reach for her and pull her between my knees. She's happy with the contact, I pull her even closer trying my best to gain comfort from her too.

"He will." Mum says firmly, sipping slowly from her big mug of tea. I've already finished my smaller one, Mila is toying with the empty mug in her clumsy hands, tapping it against the green grass of our back garden the two of us are sat on. "He just needs some time." I nod in agreement, fake agreement, with her words.

Right now it feels like the sky is about to fall down because Lando isn't speaking to me. Like...Really not speaking to me, as in doesn't even want to be in the same room as me not speaking to me, and I don't know how I can fix it. He's on radio silence and it's driving me insane, he's never done this to me before. I don't know how to fix it so if Mum thinks the solution is time, I'll try it out.