You Changed Me | Evan Buckley (9-1-1) [Book 1]

17: Denied

**TW: Child Loss**

3 weeks passed since my pregnancy scare. Buck was relieved by the negative blood test, although he wouldn't admit it for a few days. We both knew it was too early and too soon for us to have a baby together.

Eddie was relieved too, but he's been treating me like shit ever since. I couldn't possibly give a shit though.

~~~~~~~~

"I wish you could come back to work." Buck sat on the couch, quickly closing the space between our bodies by pulling me close to him. "I'm ready to go back, my doctors say I'm okay for light work so basically medical calls." I rested my head on his shoulder.

"Talk to Bobby? I really miss my daredevil twin." I laughed at Buck's comment. "I'm planning on it. Now can we watch a movie?" Buck nodded and turned on the tv.

Truth is, I've already talked to Bobby and he told me I couldn't return to work. He wanted me to take an extra couple of weeks off. I wanted to go back so badly. Being home alone all the time was starting to get to me.

I miss my daughter more than anything right now. Brielle moving to Florida to live with her dad is tearing me apart. Brie was all I had ever. It was always just us. Now I don't have her and I don't know how to feel about it. Actually I do know. I'm heartbroken. I pretend like I'm okay with it, but I'm not.

I started to tear up without realizing. "Hey hey Alissa?" Buck shook my body lightly as I was pulled from my thoughts. I sniffled and wipes the tears from my eyes, "I'm sorry." I whispered, even more tears threatening to run out of my eyes. "What's wrong babe?" Buck turned all his attention to me.

"My life is wrong Evan, all of it." I said, my voice shaky as I tried to control the tears that began to stream down my face. "I lost my daughter, I'm not allowed to work and my body doesn't work properly.." I cried out as Buck wrapped his strong arms around my small body.

We just sat there. Me crying against my boyfriend's chest as he held me. It felt like hours had passed. Buck gently rubbed small circles against my back, "As much as I don't want to make you more upset I want you to talk to me Lis." His voice was calm, a tone I hadn't heard from him before.

I took a deep breath, "I'm broken over Brielle moving, I know she needs her dad, but I wish she could've stayed with me. She's all I had after everything when to shit and now I don't even have her." I tried holding back my sobs but it wasn't working.

"I just want to work to distract myself but Bobby won't let me back to work until I'm 100%." Buck nodded. "Evan I need to tell you something." He looked at me, "Okay? You can tell me anything."

"I was pregnant, but I miscarried and um it was yours." My eyes started to tear up again. "What?" His eyes were teary now. "I'm so sorry Evan. I'm so sorry that my body couldn't carry our baby." He didn't say anything he just hugged me tight. And here we sat, both of us in tears.

"How do you know it was mine?" He finally spoke up after minutes of silence. "The timing. I was just over a month pregnant. I haven't had sex with Eddie in like 3 months." Buck looked at me, more tears ran down his face. I wiped the tears from his cheeks.

"How? Why did this happen to us Lis?" His heart was truly broken, I could tell.

"After getting pregnant so young and so underdeveloped, my chances of being able to carry in adulthood went down by a lot. I never said anything because I wasn't focused on us starting a family."

"So we can't have our own kids someday?" He asked me. "No no we can, but it will probably take a few losses before we have a successful pregnancy. When we decide to try for kids I'll have to see a doctor and we'll go from there okay?" I said feeling massive regret for hurting Evan like this.

He nodded, his eyes were red and puffy. "I'm so sorry Evan." His blue eyes met with my green ones. "It's not your fault Alissa, okay? I promise." I nodded as he wiped the tears from my eyes.

~~~~~~~~

Emotions ran high for 2 days following me opening up to Buck about my miscarriage. Things were awkward between us.

"Alissa can you say literally anything?" Buck walked upstairs to our shared bedroom. I shook my head as I stared at the ceiling. I felt the bed dip a little and I looked to find my boyfriend laying next to me.

I let out a loud sigh. "I'm not leaving you alone anymore. It's been two days Alissa. You need to get up and go shower, eat some real food and take a breath of fresh air." Buck looked at me. I shook my head again. "I'm serious you need to get back to living life."

"It's not that easy Evan." I rolled my eyes as I looked away from him. "Nobody said it was easy." "You act like I can just bounce back from this. Our baby died Evan. Our baby died in my body." I sat up.

"I know Alissa! I'm dealing with the loss too! It was OUR baby!" He raised his voice as he sat up facing me. "Don't yell at me!" I raised my voice. "Stop acting like only you are dealing with this please. I'm hurting too, I was so excited to become a dad."

"Nobody said you weren't." "So stop ignoring my feelings!" He raised his voice once again. I silently stood up.

"I'm going to Eddie's. Call me when you're done yelling at me!" I yelled and walked out of our apartment.