Second Chances: An Unexpected Angel

Chapter 22

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!! MENTION OF SUICIDE!!!!!

I didn't even bother responding to Logan's message. It was pointless anyway, because I knew anything I said to him would go in one ear and out the other. I just left his message open. Didn't even bother to close out. I turned to my bed to cuddle with my Sméagol doll, but I noticed he was gone. I thought for a moment. I know I didn't take him off the bed. He was there when I went down for lunch. Was he there before I read the message? I don't even remember. I panicked as I began to look all over my room for him––in the closet, under the bed, even though I never put anything under the bed. I checked all my drawers, even though he wouldn't fit in any of them. I looked under and behind any furniture, and I even looked under all the blankets on my bed. There was no sign of him. I knew nobody broke into my room just to take him, because, well, first of all, everything else was exactly as I left it. Second, the window was just as I left it, closed and locked from the inside. Third, since I have poor eyesight, all my other senses are heightened. Not to brag, but I have been told I have ears like a dog. I would've heard if there were footsteps and someone breaking in upstairs. Lastly, who the fuck would break into someone's room to steal a Sméagol doll? A psychotic Lord of the Rings fan? Okay, bad example, since I am a psychotic Sméagolholic fan, but I would never pull anything like that.

I stood very still for a moment. I could feel my heart breaking even more. Just when I needed Sméagol the most, he was gone, and I had no idea where he was. Maybe this was a sign, I thought. Maybe it was a sign that I'm too childish, too invested in a fictional character, and I need to grow the fuck up. I'm twenty-four years old, and losing my mind over a plush doll of a fictional character! What the hell is wrong with me?! No wonder Logan dumped me! No wonder so many people cut me out of their lives! No, that's just one reason. There's plenty more reasons. Let's see. I'm too sensitive. I get upset over the stupidest shit. I'm too clingy. I get too attached to people, and I don't leave them alone. I'm a major burden. I can't do certain things for myself, and I put too much on other people. Speaking of which, I dump all my problems on people. Whenever I have a problem, I always dump it on someone, bitch about it constantly, all that great stuff. The list of reasons goes on.

Without even thinking, I ran out of my room, down the stairs, and out the door. I ran to my favorite relaxation spot, the same field I had that picnic with Logan, and sat near the pond. Tears came pouring out of my eyes as I looked at the water. Something inside me was telling me that I should jump in. "Just jump in the water," said my inner bully. I named her Insidia. "Jump in, and don't try to swim. Just let yourself drown. Nobody will miss you. Trust me. The world will be so much better off without you. You're nothing but a burden, an inconvenience, an embarrassment, and a worthless pile of flaming shit. Kill yourself, you unbelievably horrible monster. Just fucking kill yourself."

Insidia wasn't an actual voice I heard in my head. She was all the negative thoughts living inside me, things people drilled into my head throughout the years, all the horrible things I was made to believe about myself. She took all of those things, and convinced me they were true. Every time something happened that triggered my negative feelings about myself, even something really small and stupid, she would drown me in an ocean of self hatred and shame. This was one of the deepest, most treacherous oceans, and I didn't know how to escape. I was lost in a hurricane of unbearable pain and sorrow, being tossed and blown about by furious winds and waves of shame, worthlessness, guilt, and self hatred. Looking at the water, I saw my only escape. But, did I really want to die? Was everything Insidia said true? Would the world be a better place without me? Would anybody miss me? I knew Logan wouldn't. He wouldn't even notice I was gone? But, would Hayley be better off without me? She wouldn't have to look after me anymore. No more listening to me whine incessantly about my dumb, trivial problems. No more having to shop for me, cook for me, clean for me, or work extra hard for me. She would be home free. Same for everyone else having to take on any of my load. Not to mention, I wouldn't be around to make people feel bad just because I got my feelings hurt over something stupid. No more making people feel guilty. No more smothering people. No more hurting people. They would be relieved... wouldn't they?

"I hate myself," I mumbled. "I hate myself! Damn it, I fucking hate myself!" I screamed as I slapped myself as hard as I could. "Why am I here, God?" I wept. "Why am I even here if I keep making everybody's lives miserable?" My weeping quickly escalated into heavy sobbing. As I continued to stare at the water, and wonder if I should just end it all, I was suddenly brought back to Earth when I heard movement a few feet away.