Infinity (ENGLISH VERSION)

Chapter 92

,,You killed Hope." Mason had told me 2 weeks ago when I had my miscarriage.

For 2 weeks I have been lying in my bed and have not spoken a single word.

I can barely remember eating anything except for the things Mason has been feeding me for the past few days.

I also had to cancel Ruby and ask her to come visit me later because I can't use company right now.

As much as Mason tried to take care of me, I could tell he was suffering.
He looked hopeless and his eyes didn't shine like they used to, they were empty.

I had ruined him, I could feel it.
He no longer looked at me the way he used to.
I no longer had the feeling of being something special.

So there I was.
In my bed, waiting for the pain to stop.
As much as I wanted Mason near me, I couldn't stand him.
He had blamed me for Hope's death and those words destroyed me.

He was right.
It was my fault, it was my uterus that didn't work.
I had killed Hope.
Maybe not directly because of my uterus, but because of my desire for her to die.
I remember.
At the lake, when I was talking to God, I said the terrible words.
I had wished for her to die because that would solve all my problems, but she was not the problem, Hope was.

It was my fault that she was dead.
I was disgusted with myself because I was a terrible person.
What sick person would want their own child to die?

I will never understand why people who have a chance to have children do not want to have any.
Of course, every person is allowed to decide that for themselves, but why the hell do people not want to get the chance for miracles?
Or people who complain about their children.

My mother once had a colleague who constantly complained about her son because he was a naughty and stubborn boy in her eyes.
I'm sure it's not fun to argue with your children, but I would give anything even to argue with Hope.

God, I would give anything to be able to spend a day with Hope.
How nice it would have been to wake her up for school every morning or listen to her talk about boys problems.
The only thing I want is to be able to hold her just once.

In the last 2 weeks I have been thinking a lot about my life so far.

Why couldn't my mom just break up with the asshole?
She was obviously not happy with my father.
If they both didn't separate because of me, I would call it irony of fate, because they really didn't do me any favors.
My life would have been very different if they had separated.
Maybe I wouldn't have had a complex father either, and that's why I fell in love with a boy who is actually so bad for me.

I love Mason, but my life has had more bad moments with him than nice ones.
Even if the beautiful moments made me forget all the bad ones, despite everything I have experienced so much suffering that I didn't deserve.

At least I don't think I deserve it.

I would be torn from my thoughts because Mason came into the room.

He slowly approached the bed, but I didn't move a bit.
I didn't even look up, but lay exactly in the same position I had been in for the last few weeks.

,,Hey." he breathed and bent down to give me a kiss on the forehead.

I did not react.

I don't know why I didn't speak, but what was the point?

Isn't it funny that we move our tongues and words come out of our mouths that we humans think?
I mean, that's something really gross.

,,You have to eat something, Britt". He said and I saw the breakfast he had prepared.