Aurelia || SERIES ROMANA I

Chapter 81 ~ In utramque partem disputatur

The soft knock on the door made her spin around. Hastily, she wiped the silly tears from her face and quickly scurried to her desk. Indiscriminately, she grabbed one of the papers and pretended she had been reading for hours. Absent-mindedly, she called in, not even bothering to look up from her writing. At least her hands were no longer shaking. Perfume rose to her nose. Her unannounced visitor was a woman. Judging from the silence, she tapped her other sister-in-law.
"There is nothing you could say that would dissuade me from my decision," Aurelia said, fervently hoping Julia would leave her alone with her thoughts.
"I'm not here to beg for mercy for my granddaughter," a voice replied softly, and Aurelia looked up from her document in surprise. Sitting opposite her, Antonia eyed her intently. Questioningly, Aurelia raised an eyebrow and quickly made sure the door was closed.
"I came here to apologise," Antonia continued quietly. "But I only found out about Agrippina's plan when a completely distraught Julia showed up at my villa a few hours ago and begged me to mediate between you. I'm sorry it had to come to this. I should have stopped Agrippina."
Tiredly brushing a strand of hair from her face, Aurelia rose slowly and stepped to the window so Antonia would have a harder time reading her feelings.
"She left me no choice" Aurelia said tonelessly, surprised at how strong her own voice sounded. The rustle of fabric and the creak of the upholstery told her that Antonia was following her lead.
"I underestimated you," the older woman admitted, and Aurelia turned her head to look her husband's grandmother in the eye. Antonia wrung her hands nervously, then added, "Honestly, I never knew what to make of you. Gaius never bothered to explain to me what you were all about and for a while I was expecting the worst. I know you overheard our conversation the night before he left. I saw you disappear into the shadows. But he was right. You can protect yourself and I admire that. Few would have done the same to Agrippina. That was very wise of you and even if you don't need my help, you can always count on my support."
Completely overwhelmed, Aurelia nodded and averted her eyes. Silently they gazed out at the pulsating Rome and indulged their thoughts. After what seemed like an eternity, a hand came to rest on her arm, and she looked down at Antonia in surprise.
"Congratulations," Antonia said warmly and pointed conspiratorially at Aurelia's belly. Abruptly she realised that this was the first positive reaction. Another wave of sadness threatened to crash over her, but she forced herself to smile and thanked her.
"You know, my dear," Antonia continued gently. "Some decisions will haunt us all our lives and when I look at the fate of my children, I have to conclude that I have not been able to fulfil my role as a mother as they deserve. About my golden child, I overlooked the others and when he was gone, I understood that I could not save the relationship with Livilla and Claudius. I still don't know what to think of Claudius. But for Livilla my realisation was definitely too late, she had long since decided against her family and her duty. Would it not have been my duty to lead her on a different path from the start? But when I was finally able to bring down Sejanus in my desire for revenge for the murder of my beloved Germanicus and his wife, Livilla fell with him. My own daughter had to fall so that my grandchildren could live. I am very glad that Gaius and Julius have you. You do your job better than I do in every way. You give hope to all women that their voice matters because your voice is heard and as long as I live I will not allow anyone to silence you."
Aurelia sighed deeply and just as she was about to retort something, her door opened, and Clemens poked his head in. He curtly reported that Agrippina and Lucius were on their way to their temporary place of exile, well-guarded. She nodded thoughtfully and Clemens left her alone with Antonia again.
"When will this family finally stop destroying itself?" she murmured and Antonia eyed her sadly, for she too did not know the answer.

That night she could not sleep a wink. Only her son's steady breathing and familiar warmth could dampen her restlessness. Because of the day's events, Aurelia had skipped the grandly planned supper. Again and again her mind tormented her with the questions the senate would surely ask her about her rift with Agrippina. She did not even know how to explain to her son that he would not see one of his best friends again for an uncertain time.
Before dawn, she gave up her attempts to find peace, detached herself from Julius and sat down at her desk. For hours she stared at the blank page, wishing she could tell Gaius everything, until Nara's hand settled on her shoulder, and she had to get ready for the new day. She felt as empty as the sheet she left on her desk.
Halfway to the Senate, she felt the now familiar nausea rising within her. Quickly she closed her eyes and tried to suppress the nausea, but the slight rocking of the sedan chair only increased her nausea. Searchingly, she looked around the palanquin, but she had not considered the possibility. Cursing, she tried to concentrate, but it was no use. Concerned, Clemens peered in at her through the curtains and took only a moment to find a solution. He made the sedan chair stop and held out his hand to her.
"Trust me," he whispered and in an attempt to control her body for a few more moments, she grabbed his hand and let him pull her through the crowd. People automatically made way for her, and she forced herself to smile apologetically. The whispering of the people frightened her. Of course, the people recognised her immediately. Undeterred, Clemens pulled her into one of the buildings and pushed her into an empty room. Horrified, she stared at what was called a public toilet in ancient Rome. The mosaics would surely be beautiful if they were not completely covered in dirt. The paintings on the walls had long passed their glory days during Cicero's consulship and she didn't even want to look at what was to be sat on.
"That's disgusting," she protested weakly, but before she could get an explanation from Clemens, nausea rose in her. Driven by disgust and nausea, she rushed to the nearest orifice and vomited. She felt utterly miserable. Disgusted, she backed away a little and tried not to stare at the stick stuck in a small bucket next to the opening. The inventor of toilet paper was her new hero. Gently, one hand rested softly on her shoulder while another offered her a pristine white handkerchief. Gratefully, she accepted the handkerchief, not realising until the second she grasped it how badly her hand was shaking. She quickly wiped her mouth with the handkerchief and tried to breathe deeply. Sighing, she buried her face in her hands and listened to herself to see if the nausea was over. After a while, she wanted to know emotionlessly who would voluntarily visit these toilets.
"Well, many homes of the common people don't have their own toilet. People have no choice but to use the public facilities," Clemens explained gently and helped her up. In the dim light, she patted out her clothes and looked for telltale remnants. But she knew there were none. If there were, she would still feel sick. Still, she inquired of her Praetorian prefect if she had missed anything. Instead of answering, Clemens just shook his head. A little shaky on her feet, she turned on her heel and stalked out of the building. Clemens followed her like a second shadow. As soon as she stepped out, she gave people her smile and attention. After a while she reached her palanquin and got in. The rest of the way to the Senate, her thoughts circled around the situation of the public toilets. She had to do something about it. In a big city like Rome, hygiene was tremendously important to minimise the outbreak of epidemics.

To her relief, the Senate session had not yet begun. Before leaving the palanquin, she took a quick deep breath, then mingled with the senators. No sooner had she finished her first conversation than one of the augurs declared the auspices favourable and she entered the temple. The coolness of the interior soothed her headache.
Routinely, she declared the meeting open and took a seat in her curule chair. While the first item of the day was discussed, her thoughts kept drifting back to her recent experience with a public toilet. Suddenly she felt all eyes on her. Surprised, she looked around and slowly rose.
"Gentlemen, please excuse my distraction," she began, brushing a loose strand of hair from her face. "On my way here, I made a horrifying discovery. When was the last time any of you used a public toilet?"
The magistrates' faces were a colourful mosaic of emotions from irritated to piqued to uncomprehending and surprised. She could watch the cogs in their heads at work. One of the young senators sitting quite far back, presumably a quaestor, jumped up from his seat and demanded to know why she was asking this question. With a warm smile on her lips, she nodded to him gratefully before continuing seriously: "Well, gentlemen, because a few minutes ago I had the pleasure of having to visit a place like that. What I saw there was disgusting. Please don't make me tell you the details. The sight will probably haunt my dreams for weeks to come. But believe me when I say that no one would go there if they had any other choice. I'm sure you're wondering what I'm getting at. Well, I'll be brief. How can we call ourselves the greatest of nations when our people live like barbarians in their own filth? Is it not our duty to serve Rome and her people?"
She allowed herself another small digression on the importance of hygiene and cleanliness to prevent epidemics and then ended her speech by asking if anyone had any ideas on how to remedy the unpleasant situation of the public toilets. As soon as she was back in her curule chair, she looked expectantly around. But the senators avoided her gaze. Some of the younger ones looked as if they were seriously thinking about her question, while the older ones just sat there or whispered to each other.
At some point, one of the younger magistrates stood up and explained that it was not part of the Aedile's job to take care of the cleanliness of the toilets. Then one of the former consuls jumped up and reprimanded the young man, who, due to the lack of dignitas of his office, had to sit back in his seat and endure the reprimand silently. It was strange to see these republican mechanisms in action. A heated debate broke out before their eyes, following age-old rules. The higher the office, the greater the entitlement to speaking time. She saw aediles who could not wait to speak, only to be silenced by praetors and consuls shortly afterwards. But above all, Aurelia was fascinated by how much the senators were tempted to act in her favour. They overflowed with proposals, but they all threatened to fail at one important point: the financial means to implement them. None of the aediles were willing to finance the cleaning and refurbishment of the public toilets.
At some point, she could no longer stay in her chair; the former praetor immediately sat down, and all attention turned tensely to her.
"I agree with you that we have a very limited budget due to the invasion of Britain," she said calmly. "Likewise, I am aware that cleaning and refurbishing all public toilets can take years. But I like the idea of using the cleaners available to the Aediles. I am sure that the current Aediles Rufus, Caecilius, Aemilius, Probius, Metellus and Celer together can manage the coordination and organisation. Of course, I will provide some of my possessions, but not even if we pooled all our wealth would that cover all the costs. It seems to me that a toilet tax is the only solution."
Immediately there were eager nods until Marcus Celer, one of the Praetors, wanted to know the system of this tax. She quickly explained that the only way to use the toilets was to pay a small amount. Stunned, Marcus Celer looked at her.
"But that is morally reprehensible," Celer interjected. Expressionless, Aurelia returned the senator's gaze. Her lips twisted into an amused smile.
"Money doesn't stink," she replied, silently registering that from now on the phrase would not be directed at Vespasian, but at her.