Aurelia || SERIES ROMANA I

Chapter 104 ~ Insidiae I

The leaves of the trees shone in the most beautiful autumn colours. The sultriness of summer had left Rome and in this short time between heat and winter cold, the city shone in a special splendour.
The triumphal procession had now been four months in the making and the construction work for its triumphal arch was in full swing. The Senate had insisted on honouring their princeps in this way.
A month ago, the Senate had ended its summer recess and the new semester at the university had begun. Aurelia loved her job. She had always loved teaching. After all, she had wanted to be a teacher in her old days. She loved passing on her knowledge, discussing things with others and expanding her own knowledge. Although she mainly worked in the Department of History for her chair of contemporary history, she now also gave a reading course, which complemented and rounded off her seminar.
Aurelia floated through her life as if on clouds and felt completely complete for the first time. She had a husband whom she loved more than anything. She had two adorable children with whom she spent her free time, and she had a job that excited her.
There was only one little thing that put a damper on her happiness: Valeria Messalina, Claudius' wife. Suddenly she was everywhere, glaring angrily at Aurelia. If only Aurelia could understand her anger, but she had never said a single bad word about Messalina.
That evening, too, Messalina kept giving her poisonous looks, which Aurelia tried to ignore. After a while, the air of the triclinium seemed so stuffy that she whispered an apology in Gaius' ear. Concerned, he stroked her back and when she read the worried question in his eyes that he dared not say aloud, she shook her head, barely perceptible. Unobtrusively, Gaius nodded to a Praetorian as Aurelia rose and scurried from the room.
As soon as the mild evening air of the peristyle caressed her skin, she paused and sank against a pillar. With a soft sigh, her eyelids lowered, and Aurelia enjoyed the evening peace.
Suddenly the sound of approaching footsteps sounded and her protector stepped out of the shadows in front of her. Aurelia opened her eyes in alarm and discovered Messalina. Wordlessly, she signalled the Praetorian to retreat. Instantly he melted into the shadow of the portico.
As Messalina stepped into the pale moonlight and looked searchingly around for her, Aurelia pushed herself off her column and stepped into her field of vision, head held high. Immediately Messalina's eyes sparkled with rage like two freshly drawn daggers. Serenely, Aurelia inquired if there was anything she could do for her husband's uncle's wife. Messalina snorted indignantly.
"That's just like you," Messalina hissed and crept closer to her. Outwardly calm, Aurelia raised an eyebrow and looked down at the small woman.
"Your smugness disgusts me!" continued Messalina, flaring up. "Do you have any idea what you have done? For centuries we women have acted in the shadow of our men, and then some runaway savage from Germania shows up and suddenly everything is different! You don't care about our traditions! Because of you, the women of Rome have lost their power! Before you came along and spat on our methods, we women could be useful to our men! But what use are we now, when men can turn directly to the wife of the princeps? What use are women like me if my husband spends his time with a Germanic whore in this disgrace? Do you have any conscience at all? Have you wasted a single thought on your children who are suffering from your neglect? How do you manage to abandon them every day, huh? How can you willingly be such a bad mother? Tell me, Aurelia, how can you still look yourself in the eye in the mirror?"
For quite some time Messalina vented her anger, but while her other accusations bounced off Aurelia, her mind kept repeating the same words. Bad mother. Selfish. Bad mother. Abandoning every day anew. Bad mother. Neglect. Bad mother. Shame. Bad mother.
Her insides screamed with pain and burned brightly while she waited calmly on the outside. Her calm only fuelled Messalina's anger further and further. At some point, Aurelia could no longer bear to be in this woman's presence.
"If that is all you have to say, you should go back to your husband and worry about the state of your marriage," Aurelia replied stoically, pushing past Messalina, who was trembling with rage, and striding back to her husband without haste.

Gaius immediately noticed that something was wrong with her. But he only put his hand on the small of her back and Aurelia tried to concentrate on his nearness. But in her head Messalina's spiteful voice was still whispering the same, hurtful continuous loop. Eventually the voice became her own.
As soon as the last guest had left the atrium, Aurelia let Gaius lead her through the corridors of the palace to her room like a sleepwalker. She was too absorbed in her own doubts to notice the deep concern written on his face.
She only regained consciousness when she sat at her dressing table and looked in the mirror. How can you still look yourself in the eye? She didn't know. The woman in the mirror looked so lost and small that she could not recognise herself.
Suddenly a strong hand placed itself on her shoulder and she tore her gaze away from this unhappy woman in the mirror. Helplessly, she turned her head to him and sank into his sky-blue eyes.
In a quivering voice, she desperately wanted to know from him, "Do you think I am a bad mother?"