Choni One Shots pt: 2

315: The One Where She Stops Forever

CHERYL POV:

I sit down on the bed and I rub Toni's shoulder. "Good morning, I have a surprise for you." I whisper. "What?" She ask quietly. "Nominations came in." She shakes her head. "I don't want to know." She whispers digging her head into her pillow. "Song of the year, Everything You Did. Album Of The Year, Pictures. Best Solo Pop Performance, Up and Up." I read them off. She looks at me. "I don't want to hear any of it. I don't care if my music is grammy worthy." She whispers. "This is a big deal." She shakes her head. "I don't care." She whispers. "I really don't. I know I should but I don't." She tells me. "This is your first Grammy's." She shrugs. "So?" I move some hair of her face. "This isn't you." I whisper. "I don't want to talk about it. I'm just tired." She says sadly. She rolls over. "You want anything to eat?" She shakes her head. I kiss her cheek. "I'm gonna head to Pop's to help Veronica with setting up for Betty's birthday." She nods. "Have fun." She whispers. "Why don't you come and help." She shakes her head. "I can't."

"Where's Toni?" Veronica ask quietly. "Home." I say quietly. "She's been out of it last few times we've seen her." I nod. "She's depressed. Like can't even pick her head up off the pillow." I tell her. "Even after the news?" I nod. "She doesn't want to think about music right now. It's just another thing." I explain. "Damn." I nod. "Do you think she's gonna come tomorrow?" I shake my head. "Her social anxiety has gotten... bad." I tell her. "Really?" I nod. "I think she's also worried about being seen and being followed my Paparazzi." I say quietly. "Do you guys want kids?" She ask quietly. "I do but I don't think Toni does." I whisper. "You're ok with that?" I nod. "We get to watch you and Betty's kids without all the responsibility." I tell her. "As soon as that kid starts crying we give her back to one of you." She nods. "Fair enough." I smile. We hear door to the downstairs open and footsteps. "The bar isn't open yet!" Veronica says. Toni walks down. "I came to help." She says quietly. "I'm sorry, I wasn't here earlier, I just needed to get out of the house." She says awkwardly. I take a deep breath knowing it's more serious than her being bored. "Well, you can blow up the balloons and get them hung up." Veronica says quietly. Toni nods and goes over to the balloons. Veronica gives me the look. You know the one, it's like "bitch, what the fuck?" Look. I shrug. I walk over to Toni. "What's wrong?" I ask quietly. "I couldn't be alone with my thoughts." I nod. "Do you need to go to the hospital?" I ask. She shrugs. "Maybe." She says honestly. "I need help. I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt myself." She tells me honestly. "Can I ask what you almost did?" She holds back tears. "I don't know. But it's a blur, I kinda blacked out." I nod. "How about you finish these and we'll go get you some help." I suggest. "Yeah?" She nods. "Ok, just don't take to long to stall." I whisper. I kiss her cheek. "I love you." She whispers. "I love you too Toni." I tell her.

We look at the hospital. "Do you want to do this?" I ask Toni. "I don't want to be away from you any longer than I need to be." She whispers. "Toni, your mental health is more important that me." I tell her. "Maybe we should try a therapist first." She whispers. I nod. "Ok." I nod. "I feel like you think I'm trying to get out of it." She says quietly. "No, unless you are." She shakes her head. "No." She whispers. "I just think we should look at our options before jumping in head first."

TONI POV:

"I would have panic attacks on and before I would get on stage. I almost tried to kill myself last week." I confess. "What stopped you?" My therapist ask quietly. "The thought of having the life I always wanted with Cheryl." I whisper. She nods. "That's a good reason to stay alive." She says quietly. "I just don't want Cheryl to think if we get in a fight I'm gonna hurt myself because that's not true." I tell her. "Do you ever think you'll start performing again?" She ask quietly. "I never want to step onto a stage again." I whisper. "What about making music?" She ask. "I'll probably make another album." I say quietly. "Just on my own terms." I whisper. She nods. "Do you enjoy making music?" She ask quietly. I nod. "I just hate performing it." I whisper.

I walk out to the pool and sit next to Cheryl. "How was it?" She ask quietly. I shrug. "It was ok." I whisper. "I don't really want to talk about it." She nods. "Do you think this will help?" She ask quietly. I nod. "She's putting me on Antidepressants. She also wants me to get tested for ADHD." I tell her. "I was kinda hoping someone would tell you that." I look at her. "Why didn't you tell me?" She shrugs. "You were doing fine, I didn't think you really needed help for that." She whispers. I shake my head. "Whatever. I'm not going on any medication." I whisper. "I didn't say you have to." She says quietly. "I didn't say you said I had to." She looks at me. "I'm not doing this." She whispers. "I have to get ready for the party." She starts to stand up but I gently grab her arm. "What?" She ask quietly. I let go and shake my head. "Toni... what's wrong?" She ask concerned. I shake my head again. "I don't- I don't know." I whisper. "If you need me, call me." She whispers. "Try to stop by. Even if it's for a few minutes." She tells me. "When you get there can you text me to tell me how many people are there?" She nods. "Yeah. I won't have the exact number but I'll give you a rough estimate." I nod. She kisses my cheek. "I love you." She whispers. I look at her. "I don't want to be alone." I whisper. "I have to go." She says quietly. I nod. "I know." She take a deep breath. "Call me, if you feel like you're gonna hurt yourself." She says quietly. "I don't want you worrying." I tell her. "I can't be a burden like this." She shakes her head. "You're not. I just want you to be safe."

I walk into Pops. "Hello welcome to Pops." I look up and see a girl. "Who are you?" I ask quietly. "Tabitha. I've been working here for a while." She says quietly. "Do I know you from somewhere?" She ask quietly. "No." I whisper. "I've never met you." I say quietly. Her eyes widen. "Holy shit!" I shake my head. "You're Toni Topaz!" I shake my head again. "No, that's someone else, I heard she's an diva." I say awkwardly. "No, you're her." She says smiling. I take a deep breath. "I'm not taking pictures or signing anything." I tell her. "I'm not asking. I just want you to know, your music means a lot to me." I take a deep breath. "Thank you." Cheryl walks out from downstairs. "Hey Toni." She smiles. "Come to join us?" She ask quietly. I shrug. "I needed to get out." She nods knowing what I mean. "I'm just gonna stay up here." I tell her. "Ok." She smiles.

I walk into my studio. "I know the thought of music makes you want to puke but have you thought about working on music when you're having suicidal thoughts?" Cheryl ask quietly. "It doesn't have to be for anyone." She says quietly. I look at her. "I know. Like you said, music makes me want to puke." I whisper. "Just try. Maybe something will become of it." She says quietly. "I'm just gonna write about how much I want to kill myself." I tell her. "Then write about that." She says quietly. I look at her. "Seriously." She whispers. "It might help." She adds. "It wouldn't hurt to try." I say giving in. "I might even get an album out of it." She nods. I look at her. "I'll leave you to it." She smiles. I nod as she leaves. I close the door and sit down in front of the computer. I take a deep breath and get to work. It feels good, it's nice knowing this will never be preformed on stage, not by me at least. A few hours go by and Cheryl knocks on the door. "Come in." I tell her. She walks in with a mug and a sandwich. "Thought you'd be hungry and probably want something to drink." She puts them down. "Grilled Cheese and there were no more glasses left so it's just a Monster." I nod. "Which one?" I ask quietly. "The Peach one." She says quietly. "Not be an ass or anything but why didn't you just leave it in the can?" I ask her. "Because I thought it would be funny." I nod. "Fair enough." She sits down on the couch. "How's it going?" She ask quietly. I shrug. "I made a song, there's no lyrics or anything fancy." I tell her. "It's nice knowing I never have to perform this in front of anyone." I whisper. "That's good." She smiles. "Can I hear it?" I shake my head. "Why?" She ask quietly. "Because it's not done." I tell her. "Will it be?" I shrug. "Probably not." She nods. "Ok."