Vigilante | H.S.

35 | Regret

April 9

Harry Styles

"Why do you look even more miserable than usual?" Zayn asked me, blowing smoke out of his mouth as he spoke.

We were sitting in my living room, waiting for Louis to come back down from upstairs. He was paying a visit to the guest we had.

"Fuck off, I'm not miserable" I said and took a long drink from the almost empty whisky bottle next to me.

I wasn't miserable.

I was just angry.

I was angry at myself for taking Diana home. I didn't want her to leave, but I couldn't make her stay with me, she was too pure of a person, I knew she would be terrified of me.

And I couldn't get her face out of my mind, the way she looked so hurt when I told her to leave.

I didn't want her to leave.

I was trying for her, I was trying so hard to be someone else for her, someone she wouldn't be scared of. She would be terrified if she found out who I really was and how fucked up I am inside my head.

God, what was I fucking thinking? Did I really think it was a good idea to spend time with her. It was so fucking selfish of me, because the second I made the decision to walk into that cafe all those months ago, I ruined her life.

Stefan called me when I was taking her to work and he threatened her. The pretty girl I always seemed to be with as he said. And I couldn't let her be associated with me anymore. If I distanced myself from her, he wouldn't have a reason to go after her.

I was scared of her getting hurt.

She became associated with me. Shes a target now, because of me.

The world was different in her eyes, everything was a pretty painting with happy people and sunshine.

My world was the opposite, everything was dark, grey and full of misery and death.

I wished I could see the world like she did.

And I got rid of the only light in my world.

I couldn't change for her.

I fucked it up.

I lost control that night, I could admit now that I was selfish when I left her alone for the month and a half, I shouldn't have done that and I was angry at myself for it.

And then on top of the anger I already felt, I had to see someone lay their hands on her, and try to assault her.

It made me want to throw up just thinking about what could have happened if Zayn hadn't showed up before anything could happen.

And I simply snapped, I couldn't hold myself back. I released every stupid emotion that I was feeling as I punched that guy. The last thing I wanted was for her to see me like that.

I didn't feel an ounce of guilt for what I had done to the guy. And I never had before.

But I felt guilty for making her leave.

I didn't understand what was going on inside my head, she was the only person in the world I gave a shit about, and I fucked it up. Just like I fuck everything up.

I knew that if she found out what I was like, she would leave me. Yet, she did find out, and I'm the one that left.

She looked hurt when I asked her to leave, but I couldn't stand looking into her eyes and seeing the fear she had of me.I preferred when she was happy, I liked when I made her smile, I liked when she was cuddled up with me even though I told myself I didn't. I missed seeing her happy, because all I seemed to do was make her sad.