Book Reviews

Tormented

Cover: Love this cover! I would make the text white or red, and bring it to the middle. Play around with fonts and placement. This is what I came up with:

Blurb: This is a solid blurb. Tells me everything I need to know, and overall good. I would make slight adaptations to make it a little more professional and clean. 

YOURS 

Envy has had a hard life with her mother died when she was young and her dad turning into an abusive drunk. When Envy was eighteen she took her little sister Rei out of that hole and ran. She now twenty-two and lives with Rei also she is in a gang that is called Poison Nightmare. They take care of bad people trying to hurt good people. Do good deeds and never get in trouble due to them being good friends the police department.

ADAPTATIONS

Envy lived through the most painful of childhoods- her mother dying when she was only {INSERT AGE}, and her father soon developing a crippling addiction to alcohol. Her name is how she felt most of the time. She envied those perfect little families she would see walking down the street, and wondered what she deserved to get a father so abusive. 

So she took her.

In the dead of night, 18 years old, she took her.

Her younger sister Rei. She took her, escaped from the hell-hole, and ran

Now 22, she lives alone with her sibling, and is now a part of the gang known as the only Poison Nightmare. Now, though the name sounds like a nightmare in itself, they only do good. It's like the tale of Robin Hood- steal from the rich to give to the poor. They take care of the bad people that try to hurt the innocent. No matter what they do though, they stay out of trouble due to their strong friendship with the police force.

{Now you need to insert something that is like a hook. At the moment, it seems like the whole story has been told, we need a hook. For example: 

No matter what they do though, they stay out of trouble due to their strong friendship with the police force.

This was until Rei does something unforgivable. What will Envy do when she loses everything she has fought for? What will they all do?

This was made up as I don't know what's going to happen, but you get the point.

Plot: Okay, so from the start, it is very cliché. So many stories on Wattpad has dead parents and abusive drinkers. Lol, so does mine. HOWEVER, there are ways to make it not seems so expected. You need to find a way around the clichés. Try developing a great relationship between the family before letting the mum die and the dad turn to alcohol. Talk about how her mum died and it left her dad with depression, or extreme guilt for something. So then he turned to alcohol.

Overall, you have a very interesting plot, I like where it is going.

Flow: You really only ever use simple sentences. Sentences that have one point. Like:

I brushed my hair.

I went downstairs.

Try writing more sentences like:

After I finished pulling the brush through my golden locks, I opened my door, and retreated back downstairs in hopes of finding my father.

Much more interesting.

You also say 'I did this' a LOT. Try putting other words in front so it doesn't look like that.

Instead of:

I brushed my teeth.

Try:

Quickly, I scrubbed the brush harshly over my teeth.

Yes, it is only putting a word in front, but it makes a big difference.

Try finding better way of writing 'I say'. You use that a lot. Try this:

https://blog.reedsy.com/guide/how-to-write-dialogue/other-words-for-said/

Chapter size: 4-5 minutes at the moment. I would like to see this go up to 6-8 minutes. I think this is the more common length, as most stories have chapters between 3000 and 5000 words. I also think it will just work better overall!!