Into My Heart

XXXV - PART II

My world is now blurry.

After I passionately kissed Abby the other day, I have just been running away from this reality: I couldn't just pretend that I didn't love her anymore, I just physically and mentally wasn't able to do so. 

The next day, I had to sat through several boring meetings with my parents and some of our benefactors, but not one second my thoughts have been off the gigantic problems at hand - per say, how to choose both my sister and Abby. Obviously, Shelina has realized that something was wrong. 

As soon as the day is over and that my parents are in the kitchen cooking something for us to eat, Shelina walks into my room and doesn't loose one second to say:

"Whatever you decide, I'll have your back. So, what is it?"

My jaw is set when I energetically intend to avoid the brunette's eyes that are evidently looking for mine, trying to decrypt any sign that I would give out unintentionally. But I hold on: I cannot possibly admit to the reckless actions I carried out the day before. I should never have made a move on Abby, neither tell her I love her - it changed everything.

As I am about to burst into tears, a knock is heard on the door.

When it opens, Becky immediately enters, a serious face on. She quickly nods her head as a salute to both Shelina and I, before stating:

"Miss Press, Abigail Dahlkemper is there to see you - she says it is an important matter that cannot wait."

My blood immediately runs cold.

I can see Shelina's facial expression modify itself from the side, as the Canadian quickly put two and two together - my odd behavior and Abby's presence why I should have cut every contact by now. 

It is Shelina who responds:

"Let her in, I have some business to attend with this amazingly annoying Kristen Mewis" she says in a strict yet soft voice.

As she walks closer to the door, while Becky shows the person standing outside the door in, I feel my head starting to turn so fast that I thought I was going to faint.

And there she enters: her green/brown eyes that look like a corn field in the midst of spring with a late-afternoon-like sunlight immediately make me feel thing in my stomach and throat, as I have to lean against the desk in order to remain standing. As Becky has already dissipated after throwing me a disapproving glare, Shelina and Abby are right next to each other.

I see Shelina consciously grabbing Abby's arm, before whispering something into her ears something inaudible, something that immediately makes the blonde's face look like she has just seen a ghost emerging right where I am currently standing. When the Canadian leaves the room and closes the door behind her, all colors had just left Abby's face.

Without consciously knowing why, I just stare at her, buried in silence, as she hesitantly leans against some couch. After taking a few deep breaths, I manage to articulate, out of breath since she managed to yet again steal it whole:

"I did not expect to see you."

This simple sentence, pronounced with the colder tone I have ever managed to let out, is enough to make Abby lose her balance: I can tell she is deeply troubled by my behavior, but I know it is what it takes to keep her alive. 

Nodding her head, slowly, she calmly says:

"You ran away, last night."

A sharp silence flies across the room, as I feel shiver down my spine: her voice is angry yet desperate all at once. 

After a few seconds, she adds, in the same tone:

"Y-You t-t-told me y-you l-" she starts but, seemingly because pronouncing those words would just hurt both of us too much, she restrains from telling them and takes a break, as if she is catching her breath as well. Deeply sighing, she continues: "You spoke to me with your heart wide open and then you just run away and act as if I am the one leading you on. What do you want, Christen, for Christ's sake?"

"Do not pronounce another word I beg you" I immediately respond, cutting short her rightful accusations, as I can see her eyes starting to get a tiny bit wet. 

Frowning in disbelief, she asks, raising her voice without meaning to:

"W-What?"

"Please, Abby, I just need a moment." I insist, trying to remain calm as my body is literally falling apart.

The blonde frowns harder, as tears are starting to get to her eyes. 

My heart literally breaks at that very moment, and I am the one finding myself unable to deal with the overflowing of emotions running through my body at the moment. As my whole body starts trembling, I just try not to stare at her, because I know it would betray me. How do I tell the woman I seemingly love that last night was a mistake and that I cannot take risks that would most certainly lead both her and my sister to death? 

Setting my jaw, I was as Abby's face softens when she realizes I am loosing it, as the blonde immediately takes a few steps closer. As I raise my hand in order to keep her away, she restrains herself from walking any further, as she grabs her head between her hands, sighing in frustration, as a tear is now rolling down her cheek.

Gathering everything that is left of my shattering soul, I whisper loud enough for her to hear every word:

"I led you on, I am so sorry. I do not love you, I never loved you, I did it all for my family, because you are nothing in my eyes."

Abby smirks, as if the situation suddenly turned funny for some reason. 

"I was wrong to think you were different from the rest of your family" she declared, scoffing, as if all the desperation had just left her voice, filled with only pain and anger right now. My heart breaks into a milion of pieces as sh continues: "You just manipulate people, and lie to yourself, because you don't know any better. And now you dare to lie in my face, staring at me with those eyes and speaking words that contradict your very body language. Well, if you want to think that there never was anything between us, fine. But you are lying to yourself and, someday, you will lose yourself in your lies because they will become an untamed sea." 

I remain silent, silently crying as she stares at me and finishes her thoughts through incisive and destructive words:

"And if what you say is true, then fuck you. Either way, you lost me."

"Abby, I-" I start, sobbing loudly as the door closes behind her, as she leaves the room, and the house forever.

I fall on the ground, my legs unable to hold me up any longer, bursting into endless tears: I did what I had to to protect her, and to protect my sister. I had to sacrifice my feelings, it is the only way. 

I had to sacrifice myself - because with me alive, this madness might never end...

When Becky, Shelina and Kristie find me on the floor with empty boxes of medication, hours later, it might already be too late...