The UnSlut Project

"What the hell is an onion ass?"

December 24, 1999

It's Christmas Eve, but I just woke up so I'm not quite in the spirit yet. Today is a Friday - yesterday was our last day of school before Christmas break, and last night Shauna had a party. It was a bit of a disaster but also a blast! After school, before the party, we all hung out at Michelle's house. Jacob and I were having MAJOR bonding time. I feel almost completely comfortable around him now. He always refers to me as his "twin," and it became a very big inside joke for us. I guess the first hint that it might become a problem was when Daniel pushed me into Jacob saying, "Emily, what are you doing?! You have a boyfriend!" At the time no one cared, but at the party, it was blown out of proportion.

I had a piano lesson at 5pm and then arrived at Shauna's party at 7:30pm. Most people were already there. As soon as I walked in, Matt came over with his mouth literally hanging open. "Oh, my god," he said. "What?" I asked. I became very aware of what I was wearing: tight black flares and a low-cut shirt. The way Matt continued to stare at me made me a bit uncomfortable. Hunter walked in and whistled. "Wow, Emily," he said. "You have an onion ass." "What the hell is an onion ass?" I asked. "So good it makes you cry." And he and Matt slapped high-five.

Jacob was wearing a really cool hat - it was like a winter cap, but with a brim. I took it off his head and put it on mine, but he took it back. "Hey!" I said, and pretended to be hurt. He said, "Oh, Emily, don't cry..." and gave me a hug. I hugged him back, and even though it was a perfectly innocent hug, we got a few suspicious looks.

Then Jenna came over with a mistletoe, hung it over my head, and kissed me on the cheek. We laughed and she goes, "Come on, Emily, let's go in the closet together!" Jacob said, "I'm coming, too!" and we closed the closet doors behind us. We started making noises like we were all having a threesome! It was fun, but I had a feeling it might get screwed up... and then the doors opened.

Matt was standing there, staring straight at me, completely serious. "Emily, get the fuck out of there," he said firmly, not yelling. "What?" I asked, confused. "Why?" I did step out of the closet, so I could talk to him. "Because you don't want to do that. I know you're going to regret it later." "It was just a joke," I told him. He shrugged. "Trust me, Emily. You have a boyfriend. You don't want to do that." There was something about the way Matt was saying all this that made me wonder about him. [Yeah, like wonder if he actually had a moral compass. Or if he should mind his own business.]

"Thank you," was the only thing I could think of to say. A few people came up to me and were like, "Why were you in the closet with Jacob? Did you hook up?" I said, "No, of course not!" to everyone who asked, but people were still suspicious.

Jenna was dancing on the coffee table and Hunter kicked the leg of it so it snapped in two. The table collapsed, Jenna landed on her butt, and everyone was silent. Shauna came running in and started to cry. I would probably have cried, too, if I were her - her basement was completely trashed.

I went in the other room, where people were dancing. Melanie came up to me and said, "Emily, I need to talk to you." She pulled me over near the stairs and said, "Um, you might want to take the flirting down a notch." She wasn't being mean, but she looked serious. Jacob popped up next to me and I said, "With him?" She nodded. Jacob didn't know what we were talking about. "But Jacob's my twin!" I said, and hugged him. Melanie said quietly, "Yeah, that's what I'm talking about." Then she walked away. "What was that about?" Jacob asked. "Do people think we're going to hook up?" "Yeah," I said. Then people started coming down the stairs so we had to move. Shauna was making everyone go outside.

I tried to talk to Stacy, but Hunter came over, too. He is so annoying - he and Stacy are kind of starting to date and everywhere she goes, he goes, too. "Hunter, leave us alone!" I said to him, because he was really starting to get to me, plus I just felt like flipping out on someone. Stacy got mad at me and ran inside. Fine. It didn't bother me, because she can be a stupid bitch anyway.

Jacob came outside and I went to take his hat off his head. But he put up his hand to stop me: "No," he said. "People are going to start stupid rumors." "But that's dumb," I said. "I know," he nodded, "but people are stupid, and they're going to think the wrong thing about how we are twins." "You're right," I said. And he was right. But does that mean we can't talk anymore? That would suck. I know we are flirting, and I know it's for my own good that we don't anymore, and I know he's only doing this because he cares about me and doesn't want me to screw things up with Tyler, but... it still sucks.