Second Chances. (WATTY AWARDS 2013)

Chapter 40: I Won't See You Tonight.

Chapter 40: I Won’t See You Tonight.

6 weeks later. . .

The house seemed . . . completely empty. It was so quiet with her not here. I felt like a failure as a father. I lost her to her mother; I tried my hardest to fight for her but my best wasn’t good enough. All her things were still here as a haunting memory, Rosie had already bought her clothes and such. Apparently while Rosie was away in Chicago she found her dad, finished school and went to college. All in all she’s a better provider and as much as it pains me to say this, she can give Peasnie a better life than I can because I work two jobs, I didn’t finish school and I’m in a band that might or might not be somewhat big. I hated that I went back on my decision on keeping Peasnie. I just want her to be happy and have things I didn’t. And Rosie can give those things to her.

Peasnie was in the final weeks of first grade which was at her new school in Portland. Everything seemed to unravel before my very eyes. I went to Portland with Peasnie but left without her. It was heart wrenching. I had to tell her friends that Peasnie moved away with her mom, they were devastated. Everybody was. You never realize how much someone can fill your life until they’re gone. Bailey understood that the first two weeks I needed to myself but after that I had to go back into dad mode for Kier. It pains me to hold him though, due to the fact that Kier looks like Peasnie and I lost Peasnie. I can’t lose Kier as well. I know I won’t but the fear is still there.

Every time I hear a car door slam or a little girl go past the house on her bike I think its Peasnie. I’ve grown too used to checking out the front window to see where she is, I still mindlessly do it. I’ve caught myself a few times. The guys have helped so much; they’re doing what they can. The lawyers said all contact must be cut off from me so it’ll be easier on Peasnie. What they really mean is so they can torture me. Peasnie threw the biggest fit when she found out she wasn’t coming home with me. Seeing how distressed she was made me break down in tears. But that’s when the Peasnie I knew shone through.

“I’ve reached towards the sky, I’ve said my good-byes. My heart’s always with you now.”

Those simple lyrics I wrote five years ago had made their way back into my life. Hearing her say them brought back memories of her drumming; just losing it over those instruments. Surely she won’t be able to drum at her mom’s house. She’ll never be able to see me again. She’ll never be able to hear my voice or see her brother grow up. It was at that moment then when I realized that I screwed up. I screwed up so badly and I couldn’t fix it. Instead of her losing me, I lost her. She’s branded herself into my life and now I’m left with a scar as a reminder. Everybody says scars will heal but were meant to bleed; not this scar, it’s staying forever.

There are many nights were I’ve gotten drunk and thought about ending it; just like our bassist, Justin. He’s gone away for a while to get help. Matt walked in on him trying to commit suicide; that’s where the song I Won’t See You Tonight part 1 and 2 came from. I’m not gonna lie I thought about it many times. But I can never bring myself up to do it. The fighter inside of me is stronger than the coward. But the pain is strong enough to make me want to drink every day and lose myself. I know if I keep this up, I’ll lose everyone.

Every morning for the last six weeks I thoughtlessly wake up at six thirty and begin the morning routine. The guys have stopped me a couple times but the first two weeks I’d remember she wasn’t here when I got to her bedroom door. Every morning I’d wake up and think everything was a bad dream. But this morning was different.

I knew I was awake, weather I wanted to admit that to myself or keep trying to convince myself I’m asleep; well that was the question that had more than one answer. I can lie in bed and feel sorry for myself like the failure everyone said I’d be or I can get up and do something with my life. I can admit the truth or I can keep living a lie.