Infatuated with a God

Chapter One-Hundred and Twelve

Loki

She'll pass my father's test, she'll marry me, she'll take the elixir and everything will be right again. I clung to these three possibilities until they were added to my list of vices. At some point everything else seemed to fade away until I became fixated on those three things. I knew how obsessive I was able to be but I found myself unable to prevent that side of me from winning. Everything I did was in service of that future. The courting ceremony was planned completely, just waiting for the word of a date. Thor granted my use of the elixir and my father agreed. All that remained was something entirely out of my hands. Which made everything so much worse. How was I meant to be able to sit idly by whilst I waited for the judgement that would change everything? So I didn't. I tended to my duties, set about trying to repair the damaged farmland to the East, kept a block on every mind around her so she didn't hear too soon about her position, and watched over her. Meanwhile I obsessively strived to watch over her. I thought it safe to not do so during her study, but it seemed that also required my attention. During that time I would seek out answers to all the questions she would one day have. I studied all that was known about the Infinity Stones, sought out any piece of lost witch magic that could possibly apply to her, and even got Heimdall to help me find information on her past.

All I was doing quickly tired me out. Even on Asgard I found myself exhausting my seiðr easily. Returning to her at night, feeling her seiðr wash over me as I entered her shields, it was healing for me. Every night, I would step in and find her asleep on the sofa, book nearby and candle almost entirely melted. I would take her to our bed and hold her, speaking all the things I was too afraid to say when she was awake. Everything I feared, everything I wanted to tell her throughout the day. My days were entirely consumed with her as I waited for her to meet the first hurdle. She'll pass my father's test, she'll marry me, she'll take the elixir and everything will be right again. All I wanted was for her to be with me forever. And yet every second I saw her throughout the day I knew I couldn't spend it with her. Until my father gave his blessing I couldn't stand to be with her. Not knowing that it could be our last. If she didn't want to be married, or take the elixir or pass the test, every day here could have been our last. She could leave at any point and I couldn't stand that thought. The problem was that all the insecurity stuck. When I got lost in these feelings before I felt like I had nothing to lose and everything again. I thought that was what made me dangerous. Now I had her to lose, I realised I was far more dangerous.

Her actions weren't helping. I knew she wasn't intentionally pushing me, at least to begin with. But every moment she fought in that skin-tight jumpsuit from Midgard, every time she looked around as if seeking me out or even tried to talk to the oaf, was a time I strayed further into my own darkness. It only got worse as she started to force my hand. Watching over her at the banquet was the final straw. It wasn't her comments or pretend flirting. Neither was it how she danced and laughed with my brother. It was talking about marriage. My brother told me he was going to make me see reason, I don't think he was actually helping. Talking about weddings with her killed me. Listening to her talk about wanting to marry me, about the dream I strived to reach with her every day, it made me so hopeful. Only to instantly crush me as she talked of wanting to return home. She'll pass my father's test, she'll marry me, she'll take the elixir and everything will be right again. I should have stayed that morning, but I couldn't wake up next to her. I shouldn't have forced her to spar with me, but I couldn't stand to watch her next to my brother. Not in that suit. Not without her daggers. And I really shouldn't have walked away from her this morning. Part of me knew. Part of me was screaming out to stop. But what could I possibly do now? Tomorrow Odin would test her for the first time. Once she passed I could stop. I'll be able to know once and for all if she will stay with me. She won't stay. Not now. Not anymore.