Infatuated with a God

Chapter Ninety-Six

I spent the next three days disassociating. Or at least that's what Sandra, the therapist Tony likely spent far too much money for, told me. Most of it passed in a blur, it wasn't like I was unaware of what happened but it felt... wrong. Like reality was a dream and I was just along for the ride. I felt weirdly disconnected from most of the events. Telling Tony had been particularly hard and ever since then it felt like everyone was on edge around me. I understood why, but it didn't make it any less frustrating. Still, I'd taken the important step of acknowledging that there was a problem and trying to work on it. It wasn't just the self-harming that was the issue, but the way I confronted my trauma and emotions. Sandra may be the one to tell me, however it sunk in very quickly. I ran from everything, including my own emotions, and all it did was build up to an uncontrollable outburst. Just because I was acknowledging it, didn't mean that I was comfortable with everything going on. Most of the times I found myself more present I wished I could go back to before. Before Steve would check on me constantly, before Tony would make excuses to be more present and before I found Nat keeping a closer eye on me. I knew I wasn't coping well, but it was more comfortable to suffer in silence than to be surrounded by people who looked at you like the other shoe was about to drop. I knew they meant well but I was beginning to feel like an animal in a cage.

It was worse around Loki. He'd been so calm at the time and yet he seemed to change the most, mostly in subtle ways. In public things remained relatively normal, he just hovered more. Or, I guess, he was more obvious in his interest in my wellbeing in public. There were rarely times I went anywhere without him there. Of course, if I told him I wanted to go see Wanda or Nat he would let me, it wasn't possessive or controlling. But it was a noticeable shift. Still, that wasn't what bothered me the most. In private things had shifted drastically. Not in a way that was necessarily bad or good, just different. And different was pretty uncomfortable for me. I clung onto his words, the reassurance he gave me that no one would treat me like I was fragile... but it was hard when even he seemed to do so. We barely spent any time alone, with Thor becoming a near constant presence in the evenings. Evenings filled with movies, television and reading. Even then Loki took a looming presence, often in the corner doing his own thing whilst Thor and I hung out. It felt... lonely in a way. Like I was never alone but I felt as if I was. Then when Thor would retire for the night, and it was just us, he was simultaneously less and more affectionate with me. He would hold onto me as if I were about to disappear, but never anything more. It was frustrating for me. More so because he wouldn't talk to me regardless of how obviously something was wrong. Every now and then he would play with the piece of my hair he had braided. A small and delicate braid that seemingly twirled around his seiðr that kept it in place just by my left ear. Every time he did, he became so lost in thought that he would seemingly forget where we were.

It was overly frustrating for me when I could acknowledge it, but for the most part I felt so disconnected to everything that I just let it be. However, with Tony's party concerningly approaching, I knew time between us was running out. I did not want to spend it like this. More than that, I was worried he would feel bound to stay because of me. As if my unhealthy coping strategies were a reason to stay. Of course, I wanted him to, now more than ever. I dreaded to think how difficult this could become without him, but I knew it would have to happen. I would not keep him in a place that made him unhappy just so I could feel better. Plus, I would have to learn how to cope on my own at some point. So, one night, as he led me towards Thor's door by my hand, I stopped. He turned instantly, worry etched into his face.

"Can... can it just be us tonight?" I winced as I heard how hoarse my voice had become, realising I'd barely spoken a word today. It almost shocked me into reality. "Sorry... I think I've been a little out of it." I muttered, casting my eyes down. I heard him breathe out of his nose in a small sigh before stepping towards me and wrapping his arms around me.