109 | RIP Rucker

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LOST

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LOST. I didn't know what to do and that just made everything worse. Rucker's life was riding on this, and I didn't know what to fucking do.

A hauntingly low sob crept across my tongue, every single part of my existence feeling hollow. Empty. Numb. I clutched my stomach, my nails digging into my flesh, trying to make myself feel something — anything besides this empty agony.

T-tell me you k-know the answer, B-betinia. Y-you always have the a-answer. P-please tell me you know what to do. I-I don't. He can't die. I c-can't handle that. I c-c-can't g-go t-through that again. I c-can't. P-please.

A scratchy tingle burst through my body, as I felt her shift and align with me. It was like we were one.

I-I want to say truth. How about you? Closing my eyes, I went deep within myself, scratching through all that darkness until I reached the center and cradled my treasure like a new-born baby. Truth. I-I think truth too.

I didn't know where I met Jookie before, but some part of myself told me that we've met before. I didn't know if I could trust that part of myself, but it's all I had to go on now.

My head spun to look at Rucker. Eyes blinking like ebony butterfly wings, a warm smile embraced his lips like he wanted me to see him happy. Like even if he died a horrible death, the last thing he wanted me to remember was his smile. His last smile.

I let out a husky cough, spitting all over the table, the pain in my chest becoming too much. It hurt so bad like someone was gripping my heart with burning spikes, squeezing out all the coloring, leaving only a gloomy gray sponge behind.

Rucker...

He helped me so much these past few weeks. Taught me how to be a better fighter and how to kill. Taught me how to open up and how to trust myself.

My mind whirled with all our past moments together — meeting him at the gym for the first and seeing his thong, cutting my hand and making me his partner, cooking for me the first time and taking forever to finish because he wanted it to be perfect, calling Sebastian all those weird names, making fun of me while we worked out, laughing together at the pool party and him opening up about his fears of addiction, calling me his sister for the first time, telling me he loved me and would always love me, even if I failed...

My fist slammed against the metal table while I sobbed into my shirt, the severe hurt, pain, and sadness cloaking me like expired milk. All these negative emotions made me think of Asher — how I could lose another brother. I couldn't handle that again. I didn't think my mind, body or soul could handle it again.

"One minute," Jookie said, bringing me out of my darkness.

The numbers started to count down, every passing one creating a tidal wave of fear and regret in my gut, slicing against my organs like eagle talons. Closing my eyes, loud whimpers left my throat as my finger slammed against the word, "Truth."

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