TW: Drugs, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Cussing, Minor Aramour, Parrlyn
I can't handle these pressures
All I can say is, this stress hurts
Things are supposed to get better
I just need to put myself first
Everything burns, all the time. There's no relief from the pain, no end to the sorrow.
Even after finally escaping his wrath, escaping the prison of her home, and finding comfort in the one person she thought she could never have.
Anne still wants to die.
She sees that girl in the hallways, her crutch gone but the haunted look in her eyes remains. She's heard rumours that the other week she was in the hospital again, after almost bleeding out on her bathroom floor from cutting too much.
Jane, that was her name, Anne felt like she used to know her when she was younger, like they were close. But she has no memory of such a thing, only a feeling.
Cathy turned the corner and immediately brightened at the sight of Anne standing there in all her glory, looking incredibly depressed.
Ah, to be in highschool.
Anne has wanted to be with Cathy for so long she had forgotten one very important thing. What would happen when she finally was with Cathy, their relationship went full force with Cathy having to practically nurse Anne back to health after her ordeal.
Anne was having enough trouble taking care of herself, and now she had to take care of someone else, who was admittedly doing better and easier to please.
I'm always trying my hardest
Not to pick myself apart, this
Energy's killing my vibes now
Sometimes I just wanna drown out
Anne pushes herself to smile at the sight of her amazing girlfriend, because she was amazing, and that was the truth, Anne was just being selfish.
The moment she put a smile up her mind set to work on making her feel terrible.
'She knows your faking it'
'You're a terrible girlfriend, you can't even smile when you see her.'
Anne noted that her mind was great at it's job, she immediately felt terrible and her smile faltered for just a second before she forced it back up again to kiss Cathy.
Cathy nuzzled Anne's nose with her own, smiling giddily at her, delighted to be able to kiss her for some unknown reason.
Anne really couldn't understand why Cathy wanted to be with her so much, she was just a deadbeat with an abusive father and enough issues to share with her entire grade.
Before Anne knew it her mind had spiralled to drowning, how did it get there is anybody's guess because the last Anne knew she was pondering why Cathy loved her so much.
Very confusing jump, but she decides depression is at fault for ruining everything.
All of the thoughts in my mind, too much
Going on at the same time, I
Wish it would stop and I've tried, but
Life just sucks then we all die
Anne knows her outlook on life is pretty sad, like some high level of sadness, but it's just the way she was raised.
Life sucks, then you die, the end.
No prince is going to fight your dragons, rescue you from your prison, wake you from your slumber. You just have to do it yourself, because that's how it works.
Anne sits in the library so at least on the outside everything is silent in calm while her soul and mind stomps and storms about. There's too much going on that it makes Anne wonder that if in death, would they go away? Or would death only make them louder with nothing to quiet them?
Anne thinks that maybe she had schizophrenia but when she goes to see a doctor she's told that she definitely doesn't and that she's overreacting.
She loves it when a doctor tells her that her feelings aren't valid, it's just the best thing ever.
That's just reality, yeah, don't lie to me
Yeah, I'm fucked up, but I don't wanna be
When Anne gets paired up with Jane, they get back on the topic of their fun times on the roof, and Jane tried to spin life in a positive way, clearly not only trying to convince Anne but herself as well.
Anne snaps at her, telling her that she's lying to everybody, including herself. The moment the words fly out of her mouth Anne feels guilty, because Jane is trying harder than she is, and she sees the doubt in her eyes the moment Anne yells.
Anne apologizes but she can tell she already caused damage to her desperate belief that she was clinging to, to stay alive, to keep herself from trying again for the third time.
Anne outright admits she's fucked up, completely and totally fucked because she's never going to be able to live a normal life after what her father did to her, and her mother, and even little bit of Mary.
I wonder if I'm good enough
Or maybe I've just had too much
To drink, to smoke, to swallow
I'm drowning up my sorrows
When Anne meets Catalina de Aragon she want's to strangle her, it's the first emotion that isn't utter depression so she clings to it. Pushing herself to be angrier and angrier with her. She can see the momentary confusion on her eyes everytime Anne jabs at her viciously, trying to bring her down.
When Anne sees Catalina with Jane, gently telling her that she's the most amazing woman she's ever met and she would be so sad without her, clearly convincing her to not cut again, Anne feels guilt, the second emotion.
The next day she goes over to her and apologizes for the way she acted towards her, Catalina just smiles at her in a knowing way, telling Anne that Jane has talked about her in some form or fashion.
Cathy catches Anne smoking the next day, trying to air herself out without screaming at someone, breaking something, or just breaking down in all areas. She runs over to her and puts the cigarette out, telling her that it'll kill her if she does that. Anne looks at her with a bittersweet smile, telling her that maybe - that was the point.
There's rules I'll never follow
Pretend there's no tomorrow
I wish there was no tomorrow
The one rule she has in her new life, is that she absolutely cannot try to kill herself, or harm herself in any way on purpose.
Anne breaks that rule when she starts taking drugs, knowing that one day she will be forever changed by them and that she could die from too much of them.
She's told by Kat, a close friend of hers that seems to hold Jane in a high regard as well, leaving Anne to wonder what happened between them, that maybe she should treat everyday as her last so she can have the most fun in life.
Anne doesn't think when she responds by telling her that she wishes that she only had one day left in her miserable life.
But I'm empty inside, yeah, I'm empty inside
And I don't wanna live, but I'm too scared to die
Cathy kisses her one day and Anne doesn't have the energy to kiss back. Cathy pulls away, after all Anne just pulled a dead fish on her, and asks her what's wrong.
Anne tells her how she's empty, and though she loves her, she really does, she just doesn't have anything in her other than hate and sadness.
Yeah I'm empty inside, I just don't feel alive
And I don't wanna live, but I'm too scared to die
Cathy gasped, bringing her hands up to cup Anne's cheeks, worrying over her almost immediately in a way that makes Anne feel ten times worse.
This act causes Cathy to also notice the bags under Anne's eyes, a sure sign that she hasn't been sleeping.
Wish I could erase my memories
So I could stop feeling so empty
I wish that shit wasn't so tempting
But it's hard to resist when there's plenty
Anne has nightmares, waking up just before the final blow from her father that killed her. She wonders how she would be if she didn't have his shadow looming over her all the damn time.
She blindly wishes that she hadn't hooked herself on drugs sometimes, but now she can't seem to let go, leaning on it for support so she doesn't have to keep shoving her problems on the Parr family, Cathy especially.
Of things I could do to fuck me up
I want to let go, but I'm feeling so stuck
So all I can do is fill up my cup
And sit here alone hoping no one disrupts
Mary visits randomly, probably knowing that if she tried to schedule a meeting Anne would work her escapist ways and find a way out of meeting her. Anne stared blankly at her, unable to care what she was saying.
She wishes she could forgive her older sister, wishes she could talk to her again, but her trust has been damaged beyond repair. There's no relationship that's left, nothing salvageable anyway.
So Anne stares at her until she realizes she's getting nowhere with her, with tears in her eyes she leaves. The only emotion Anne shows is towards George, who was still her adorable little brother who had no idea and couldn't have done anything, not like Mary who could've done so much to help Anne.
Anne sneaks a drink from the Parr's liquor cabinet, which will no doubtedly get her in trouble later on. She sits on the roof, once again wishing she were dead.
That's just reality, yeah, don't lie to me
Yeah, I'm fucked up, but I don't wanna be
Anne is now friends with Jane, and not aggressive with Catalina. She finally hears the whole story behind the crutch, how Jane talked over thirty girls off the roof before jumping. Anne found something so utterly poetic about it.
Jane had smiled at her bitterly later when Catalina had left, and Anne knew the thought behind it. The only reason Jane wasn't cutting was because how when she was moments away from death she finally realized.
She hadn't wanted to die at all.
It was just her depression trying to trick her.
I wonder if I'm good enough
Or maybe I've had just too much
To drink, to smoke, to swallow
I'm drowning up my sorrows
Anne doesn't know when she started sleeping in Cathy's room, but now she sleeps with her arm around her, and like a charm Cathy keeps the nightmares away. But what she can't keep away is Anne's thoughts of her self worth.
Here's a clue, it's shot to hell.
And uh oh, Anne wants to smoke, because her thoughts are starting to drown out Cathy's soft breathing, which grounds Anne.
There's rules I'll never follow
Pretend there's no tomorrow
As always she's definitely not being healthy. This time sh witness' Cathy telling Catalina to pretend like everyday is her last. Anne feels the deja-vu crash into her.
I wish there was no tomorrow
The Catalina tells her she wishes there wasn't a tomorrow for her, and Anne realizes just how alarming that is to hear from someone you care about (she does care about Catalina she finds)
But I'm empty inside, yeah, I'm empty inside
And I don't wanna live, but I'm too scared to die
Anne is sitting with Catalina in the park, they're waiting for Jane and Cathy to come back from getting ice cream for everyone.
It's kind of awkward.
And it doesn't get any better when they find something in common, although really at this point who isn't.
Depressed that is.
Catalina understands what Anne is going through more than anyone Anne has ever encountered. Catalina dreams of death as well, and it seems like the only thing keeping her going is Jane, and keeping Jane alive as well.
Anne turns to her with a bitter smile, a common thing between them.
"That's why I can't eat on the roof."
Her face wasn't pitying, but understanding.
Yeah, I'm empty inside, I just don't feel alive
And I don't wanna live, but I'm too scared to die
Jane and Cathy came back only moments after that sentence, and they ask what they're talking about. They tell them it doesn't matter, which it obviously does, but neither of them are in the mood to find out forcefully.
Jane sits in Catalina's lap, nuzzling into the crook of her neck as much as she can while eating her ice cream in peace. Anne watches, and they look happy, so deceivingly happy when she knows that both of them aren't.
My body's shaking
My head is aching
It feels like my heart is breaking
Anne is starting to have physical effects from the drugs and it's becoming painfully obvious, it's Anna, Kat's friend (totally not her crush or anything) who comes to her and helps her off drugs, keeping a watch over to ensure she doesn't just buy more.
My body's shaking
My head is aching
I can't fix this mess I'm making
What's so infuriating is that now she's having withdrawal symptoms, and fuck, they're the same. Anne is so stiff, and she has a migraine, and she's cold, and she just wants to sleep forever.
Cathy has her arm wrapped around her, trying to warm her up, now brought up to speed on the matter. She's whispering sweet nothings that Anne is sure she doesn't deserve after everything she's done.
But I'm empty inside, yeah, I'm empty inside
And I don't wanna live, but I'm too scared to die
Months later Anne finds that she isn't so empty, and she surprises herself by calling Mary out of the blue. Mary picks up, surprised as well but not arguing.
Anne tells her she isn't forgiven, but she's getting there.
And when she finally ends the call an entire hour later, for the first time in a long time, with Cathy's arms around her Anne smiles.
And there's no hint of bitterness in it, just a smile.
Yeah, I'm empty inside, I just don't feel alive
And I don't wanna live, but I'm too scared to die
- A R A G O N