38| Incandescently Content
I was clenching and unclenching my fists as I walked down the street. I felt comfortable in Atlanta now. With the people I'd met, the apartment I lived in, the online classes I was taking, with Clay. So it was annoying that, as I walked down Tech Boulevard, I was feeling even the slightest bit of discomfort. But I guess it made sense enough. And I was going to push that discomfort down as much as possible, because I wasn't bailing out on this, I was going to follow through and get it the hell over with.
There was a little breakfast place on the GT campus that I pushed my way into this morning. As expected, he was there, so I kept clenching and unclenching my fists until I got to where he was sitting. And then I sat down right across from him. He was in the middle of typing on his laptop, but when I sat down, he instantly looked up at me, and there was apparent surprise on his face.
Zach opened his mouth to speak, but I just wasn't gonna let him have the first word. Or really any word, at all.
"Listen," I said, "the only reason I'm even bothering with this is because if I don't, I might explode into a fiery ball of anger and hatred and fucked up emotions, and also because Alexander is my friend, no matter how stupid I think he is right now. Got it? Just nod if you got it."
Zach nodded.
"Good." I took a breath. "You are the world's biggest fucking asshole. Or, you were to me, at least, and I'm not just gonna forget about all of that cause you decided to go get with my ex, who's a really good person, who I think deserves a hell of a lot better than–"
I stopped myself. Zach was a shitty person, the shittiest, in my book, but I remembered what Clay said. Why would Alexander, an inherently good person, continue to be with Zach if he was still so bad? And maybe Zach was still the worst person in my book, but not in Alexander's. We didn't live on the same page anymore, or even the same chapter. So maybe, I didn't need to accuse him so rashly right now.
I huffed. "Whatever. You must be a better person than you were because Alexander deserves someone great, and in my world, that's not you, but in his world, you might be. So whatever. I care about him, and that's one of the reasons I'm bothering with this shit in the first place. But I'm not gonna hear you out, alright? It's gonna be the opposite. You're gonna hear me out. Sound good?"
Zach nodded again.
"I ... fucking despise you. So much. For everything you did to me, and yeah, whatever, it was a couple of years ago at this point, now. But that doesn't really matter because the things you did weren't things that someone can get over in a couple of weeks, or months, or years. They're the–the fucking huge shitty things that dig deep and stick with you. They've stuck with me like this fucking knife that's jabbing into my side, and I'm used to it now, so most of the time, I don't even feel it. But every time I reach over to pull it out, I'm reminded of how much it hurts. That's what it's like remembering the shit you did to me, all the fucked up things you did, and the pain you caused," I said.
I had to take another breath, and I was still clenching and unclenching. All because I could feel my blood pressure rising and my heart rate increasing, and I wasn't going to let myself panic right now. Especially when the only other person around was Zach.
"You wrote slurs on my locker, accused me in front of our teammates, made me feel like my sexuality wasn't normal, which is why I hid it in the first place. I literally repressed all thoughts that I could possibly be gay because you made me feel like some kind of alien for it. And then you publicly outed me in front of the whole school at prom, and even if I rose above your bullshit then and embraced it, that doesn't mean I was okay. I didn't want it to happen like that, but I was forced into it. Alexander might have been glad that I came out, but I wasn't. I had to do it. Because of you," I explained. "And then you just stood there and laughed. You were always so smug, and you know what? I just don't understand why the fuck you did it in the first place. So maybe you can try to explain that to me, for my own curiosity, not because I actually care."
Zach took a deep breath and nodded. He took a sip of his coffee, then cleared his throat. "I didn't know my sexuality when I was doing all of ... all of that stuff to you. I mean, I probably did deep down, but I didn't let myself feel that. And I know that you get that. Because you repressed it, too. Alexander told me–"
I interrupted. "I don't give a shit what Alexander told you, and quite frankly, he shouldn't have had the right to tell you anything. Our experiences weren't the same, Zach, we're not gonna be all buddy-buddy just cause we both repressed our sexualities and were assholes about it. I was an asshole to my sister and Jesse, and my family pretty much, but you were an asshole to me in different ways. Don't compare our experiences just cause you're looking for a way to get me to sympathize with you. Because I won't. Because I don't care what you went through, and deep down, I know you don't care what I went through, either."
He sighed. I didn't give a flying fuck about his sighs.
"Right, well ... I guess I was just doing it because I was a dick. I didn't really have a reason for doing the things I did to you. I've seen a therapist, and I've learned that probably, since I was unconsciously pushing away thoughts of my sexuality, I decided to take out those repressed feelings on you. And Alexander," Zach explained. "But ... mostly you. Maybe it was, deep down, because I knew you were gay, and that there was something going on with you and Alexander. Because of the locker room, and overhearing shit."
I nodded. Right, so Zach was just a dick. I knew that already. It wasn't news to me. I let my fists unclench, and I took slower breaths to calm myself down. I wasn't going to let him affect me in the way he always had before.
"You just couldn't help pushing your way into my business," I said. "As always. Is that why you feel the need to 'clear the air' now, Zach?"
"No!" He sat up taller. "I ... I wanted to clear the air because I've felt shitty for what I did to you, for all the dumb shit I pulled. And–and I'm with Alexander, now, and we talked about it, and we both agreed I should try and clear the air. Try to make things right. So that we could, I don't know ... put it behind us and forgive."
I leaned forward.
"You can't just ruin someone else's life because you're lacking something in your own," I said. "There's no putting anything behind us, and there's no forgiving you. There's sure as hell never gonna be a way that I like you, or could even agree to be acquaintances. That's not something I have in myself to do, and you've gotta understand that. If someone ruins your life that bad, they don't deserve your forgiveness.
"You might have gotten Alexander's, and that's beyond me. That's his thing. He can forgive you, he can be with you, he can suck your dick all he wants, and that's his choice." I shrugged. "I didn't come here to forgive you. I'll never truly forgive you. But for the sake of Alexander, and for the sake of the fucking basketball season not sucking so bad every time I see your intolerable face, I can put it behind me. As long as you just stay the fuck out of my life. And I think that's a pretty reasonable request, besides the basketball run-ins, considering how much I still despise you. Considering how much seeing you, remembering what you did to me, still makes every muscle in my body tighten up. You make my blood boil and that hasn't changed for years, and people who make you feel like that ... people who never cease to make your heart race in the worst way don't deserve to be forgiven. You might be good now in Alexander's eyes, but you'll never be good in mine. And that's all I'm ever gonna give you. Deal?"
I reached forward with my hand, offering a handshake. My hands weren't shaking for once at the thought of touching Zach's hand, which I guess was progress. Actually a lot of progress, if I gave myself the credit. I was putting myself above him right now, because I knew my worth, I could finally see it. Probably because Clay had validated me, proved to me that I was worth more than what Zach made me out to be.
Seriously, fuck him. That's all I knew. I couldn't forgive him, and I wouldn't do it just because Alexander was dating him. I could care less, as long as Alexander knew who he was with, and as long as Zach was treating him good. Because Alexander didn't deserve anything less than something great.
Zach reached forward and clasped my hand, shaking it. Sincerity on his face. "Deal."
And for once, I felt a weight slip from my shoulders, and it didn't feel like the plague that was Zach belonged in my mind anymore. It felt like I could let go of it.
✿✿✿
Clay had sent me home with several boxes of cake mix. I really didn't think I'd use them unless he came over and felt compelled to bake a cake. But suddenly, I was compelled to bake a cake. A funfetti cake. With some of Clay's homemade icing, which he also gave me a Tupperware container of.
It wasn't necessarily anxious baking, or anger baking. The Double A wasn't there. I felt oddly satisfied, and calm after my spontaneous drop-in on Zach. I felt good about it because, well, I kind of owned it. Like I owned my prom queen title, I now owned the fuck out of my confrontation today. I was smiling. Zach was, if he kept his word, going to leave me alone, and he no longer was going to plague my mind with angry, anxious, distressing thoughts and negative memories.
I was just baking, I guess, for the sake of baking. Which was a new thing.
More progress, I guess. I was actually doing really well.
I was actually trying to decorate the cake by the time I heard a knock on my apartment door. I wasn't expecting anyone. I was obviously hoping for Clay, but when I went to check, it was Alexander at the door.
I wouldn't have wanted to see him yesterday, or if I hadn't gone to see Zach. Probably, I would have still been pissed off with him. And yeah, I still felt a little betrayed, but I could acknowledge we were supposed to be adults now. We were supposed to change, and grow, and move on, and live our lives in whatever way we choose. (Even if I thought Alexander's choice in his love life was pretty terrible.)
I opened the door to let him in, and it wasn't just Alexander at the door. But Alex was there, too. Over FaceTime, of course. But there was my sister, and our shared ex-boyfriend.
"Tyler," they both said at the same time. Alex said it in an exhale, sounding relieved to see me. Likely because I'd been ignoring all of her calls and texts since I found out.
I stepped back so Alexander could walk in, which he did. I shut the door and went back to decorating my cake, while Alexander sat at the counter and propped up his phone so Alex could see me.
"You're baking?" she asked.
I nodded, but I didn't say anything. I just wanted her to apologize.
Which she did. Immediately.
"Ty, I'm so fucking sorry. I did a shitty thing. I know I should have been there for you, and even though Alexander is my friend, too, I should have been on your side. I shouldn't have ... lied to you, and switched up like that. It was so shitty of me. And I should have known better considering all the shit you went through back then," Alex spewed out. "I got caught up because I just wanted everyone to be friends again. I know how stupid and childish that sounds. I was just ... excited that you started talking to Alexander again, and that you just wanted to be friends because you're with Clay, and then I was hoping we'd all have this big peaceful reunion and then–"
"Well, I dropped the Zach bomb and fucked things up," Alexander interrupted, smiling weakly at me. "Tyler, I should never have asked what I did of you."
I scoffed. "Yeah fucking right, you shouldn't have."
"It was far too much to throw at you, and to expect of you. It was uncalled for. And you were right," Alexander said. "You were right about everything you said to me the other night."
I stopped covering the cake terribly with icing for a second, and looked up at Alexander. "That's not fair," I admitted quietly. "I, ugh, okay, I was harsh. I know that a lot of what I said was true and correct, but I was also kind of being a dick to you."
"Tyler, please–"
"Let me get this out, Alexander, or I might never have the courage to admit it again, alright?" I said, sighing. "I ... I shouldn't have said some of the things I did to you. I accused you of never truly understanding me, or getting what I was going through, and that was shitty. That was me attacking your character, and I know that it wasn't true. You're not a dick like that, you're like ... one of the best people ever. Sometimes it's infuriating how amazing you are. But I know that I was wrong to accuse you of those things because I know that you loved me, you cared about me, and you understood what I was going through. Fuck, Alexander, you were always there for me. Even when I wouldn't let anyone else be there, even when I didn't want to be there for myself. So I shouldn't have said those things about you."
"I ... Well, I appreciate that. Really, I do. You didn't need to apologize, I know you were being rash, and I knew you didn't really mean it. You had a right to be angry. Really, you still do. If you need to be," Alexander said. "I want to apologize now."
I picked up my icing again. "Go ahead."
"I'm so sorry. For being a complete shithead," Alexander said, which made me crack a small smile. "You didn't have to go see Zach today. He told me you stopped by campus, and ... I know you didn't forgive him, which is completely your decision, and I understand. But I shouldn't have asked you to even try to hear him out in the first place. Like Alex said, I just ... I wanted to be your friend again. I want you in my life, Ty, because I did love you once, and I will always have love for you. I will always care about your wellbeing, and about all the things going on in your life. So I suppose I didn't want to lie about my relationship, I just knew it would be complicated considering the past. But it was stupid of me to try and force you to forgive Zach or even hear him out. You don't need to like Zach, or forgive him, or anything. That's not what our friendship sits on. Our friendship sits on the fact that I care so deeply for you, and I wish for nothing more than to see you incandescently content. There is no reason for you to forgive Zach for the past, and I know that. I really do. It was dumb to even consider pushing you to forgive him. I can't believe I actually did it."
"I can't believe you did, either," I admitted. "And you, too, Alex. I can't believe it after you both witnessed firsthand the shit Zach did to hurt me. He ruined me. He's still managed to weasel his negativity into my mind for years, and I never thought it would go away."
"I know, and I'm so sorry," Alex said again. "It was so dumb."
"So dumb," Alexander added.
"So incredibly stupid," Alex said.
"Just the most stupid."
"We were on some pinhead shit," Alex said.
"Absolute pinhead shit–"
"Okay, okay, thank you for acknowledging the stupid pinhead shit you did, but let me finish, alright?" I interrupted. "I ... I never thought the stuff Zach did to me, the pain he caused me, would go away. And it hasn't, really. I know that there will be some days I remember, and it'll still hurt a little. The pain you once felt can never be completely erased, but it can lessen. It can die down a little. And it has for me. After I talked to Zach today, I realized that I was right in my emotions. I don't need to forgive him, and I never will. I know that. But just confronting him, getting to express my anger, my frustration, my sadness to him ... it released some weight out of me that I've been holding onto for too long. We'll never be friends, and I don't want anything to do with him, but I don't have to let him rule my mind with negativity anymore."
I looked to Alexander. "If he's good to you, and you're happy, then I'm happy for you. I want the same for you, I–I want you to be incandescently content, even though that's such a fancy Alexander way of saying happy, that it makes me want to roll my eyes." Alexander smiled. "But if he ever fucks with you, or is an asshole, and I hear about it, then I'll fuck his shit up. He won't get off so easy." I looked at the phone, at my sister. "As for you, you're annoying as hell, and I can't believe you'd take the side of our ex over me, but at the same time, I understand half of it was probably because of his puppy dog eyes and charm."
Alex shrugged, also smiling. "I can't help it. Everyone is charmed by Alexander Taylor."
"Yeah, fuck if I know," I muttered jokingly. I was smiling, too. Because even though I was still a little bitter about the situation, I felt happy. Too happy to throw that feeling away because of a stupid situation that I just wanted to put behind myself.
"Obviously, I forgive you. Because you're my twin sister and I love you no matter what. Even if you were a murderer, I'd still love you no matter how fucked up it would be," I said, and we all laughed. I looked back at Alexander again, and he reached forward to touch my hand. A friendly touch. We could do that now, as friends.
Right now, there wasn't enough anger inside of me, and I couldn't even find it in myself to be as mad as I'd been the other day. Not towards Alexander or Alex. I didn't want to be mad at them. I just wanted what they both wanted, too. Peace. Happiness. Friendship. No matter how cliché and silly it sounded.
I thought that maybe this was my golden ticket. And I knew that I wouldn't have gotten to this point if I hadn't ended up in Georgia, if I hadn't met Clay again, if he hadn't made me feel so fucking on top of the world despite my anxieties and imperfections.
I wanted to be incandescently content. I knew that, especially with Clay, I could be. For once in my life, I was feeling nothing but hopeful.
Progress. So much damn progress.
✿✿✿
ON CHRISTMAS EVE, MY FAVORITE AUTHOR GAVE TO ME....
AN EXTRA CHAPTER OF TYLER HAMILTONNNNN!
How narcissistic of me to assume I'm your favorite author. Smh. Gotta get off my high horse.
Actually I'm just doing an early upload since Christmas is tomorrow, and I know I won't have time to be able to upload for y'all. So instead of a Friday upload, we have a beautiful early ✨Thursday✨ uploadddddd.
Can we get applause for how much our Tyler Hamilton has grown? Tylando has made SO MUCH PROGRESSS. He is a happy boy. He is getting to a good place, and we are SO PROUD OF HIM. CONFETTI FOR TYLANDO!!!
Zach isn't forgiven, as he SHOULDNT be, and that's okay. Y'all, sometimes you really don't need to forgive those toxic
people. You just have to acknowledge that what happened was the past, and let go of it so that it stops plaguing you. It doesn't mean you'll ever really forget it, or "get over it" per se. But it means that you can choose to put your happiness and growth above the bad shiiit that continues to affect you negatively.
BAM. Knowledge. Such wise-ness.
Anyway. Proud of Tyler for being able to choose what's best for him, and forgiving Alex and Alexander despite it all. THE OLD TYLER HAMILTON COULD NEVER!!! Y'all who've read My Jeep Girl know that...
If you celebrate it, MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE!! If not, I HOPE YOURE ALL HAVING A LOVELY HOLIDAY/TIME/WHATEVER AND THAT YOURE ENJOYING YOURSELVES!!! ILY ALL.