28| A Free Trial for Love
ALEXANDER: things are winding down, at least. one more stop on the tour before there's a month-long break. then, we pick things back up in october and wind down early december.
It was always a little surreal hearing about Alexander's tour schedule, and how packed it was most of the time. On tour, if he wasn't playing a show, he had some sort of soundcheck, a rehearsal, an interview, or he would have to go into the studio for a couple of hours. He joked, saying he barely got any time to breathe in between, but even if it was a joke, it seemed pretty real to me. He'd been responding to texts less often, something he said was due to his busy schedule, and texting everyone back got a bit difficult.
"Who are you texting?" Cayden asked, coming out from the back of the café right as my thumbs got ready to respond to Alexander.
I was sitting in my usual spot at the counter of Cayden's café (I know it didn't belong to him, but to me, it was his). The café had become the perfect spot for me to get homework done, since I found it kind of hard to stay motivated when my classes were solely online. But it was either deal with online classes and have more time to myself or suffer with in-person classes and fall back into a deep, deep hole of sadness. The latter option wasn't my preferred one. Luckily, I'd found the ambiance in the café calming enough that I could focus on the shit I needed to do, but not calming enough that it like actually put me to sleep.
On the days Cayden worked, I made sure to stop by for a little. He could talk my ear off, but he was also respectful when it came to letting me focus on my work. I guess it was just comfortable being in the café when Cayden was around. When it was crowded, I didn't have to feel overwhelmed by all the people around, all the chatter going on, college and high school students working, businessmen and women stopping by. It felt like I belonged here because Cayden made it that way.
"Your mom," I retorted. Then, I remembered that Cayden didn't talk to his parents anymore. And I was just a complete asshole. "Fuck, sorry. Insensitive."
Cayden waved me off. "It's fine, seriously. I'm way past over it with my parents, anyway." He came over to stand in front of me, leaning against the counter top. Today was one of those not-super-crowded days in the café. "Are you texting ... Alexander?"
The suggestiveness of his tone and his facial expression, eyebrows raised and lips pursed, told me that he wasn't just being nosy. He was skeptical.
"Are you gonna be mad at me if I say yes?" I asked.
"I'm not going to be mad at you. I'm just going to ask a series of questions that will give me some insight into the current situation," Cayden said.
I'd done a good job keeping Alexander to myself. Maybe I'd been hiding the fact that I was texting Alexander kind of normally from Cayden because I knew how he'd react, but I knew that it would be worse if I lied, or refused to answer his questions. I didn't want it getting back to Clay that I was hiding something. Which I wasn't. Not really.
I mean, okay, there were a lot of things I wasn't hiding from Clay, but that I just hadn't told him. That was besides the point.
"Yes, I'm texting Alexander. He's just telling me about his tour schedule," I said, then set my phone face-down on the counter, folding my arms on top of each other. "Shoot. With the questions. You get 3."
"Unlimited, you mean."
I shook my head. "3. Or we'll be here for like 18 hours and I won't get my English paper done."
Cayden sighed. "Fine. Question 1. Has there been flirting?"
I scoffed. "No. Not even." The way Alexander and I used to text had been filled with flirtatious comments. Sexual innuendos, winky faces and cute emojis (eggplants and peaches included), and obvious teasing. There was still teasing, but that was how I talked and texted to everybody in my life.
"Question 2, then. Are there still feelings that you feel for him? You know, like, unfriendly feelings?"
"If you're asking if I still love and want to bone him, no," I said. Though, I knew I'd always care about Alexander, always have some kind of love for him. Which was a normal response, I thought, for a person who had saved me from myself.
"Great, that's good," Cayden said. "Final question. Does Clay know about Alexander?"
"You mean, in general?"
"Well, yes, but I'm mostly asking if he knows that you're currently still texting him," he said.
"No," I admitted, "because I don't think it's necessary to give him the run-down on every person I message."
"Well, if he were still texting his ex, wouldn't you want to know?" Cayden asked.
"No, because first off, I trust him, and also we're not in a real relationship," I said, suddenly defensive. "Why are you trying to back me up into a corner about this? Do you want me to own up to some momentous mistake I didn't even make? Do you want me to admit I'm doing something wrong when I'm literally not?"
"I'm not trying to back you into a corner. I'm trying to understand things," Cayden said. "I know you and Clay aren't technically together, but don't you think you're basically there?"
"Well, yeah. Duh. He's my almost-boyfriend. We kiss and go on dates and hold hands and stuff, but that doesn't make us in a relationship. It makes us ... on a free trial," I said. "You know, you get those stupid 7-day trials for HBO just so you can binge Euphoria. Or those longer 3-month free trials for Apple Music just cause you wanna know if it looks as cool as Spotify, only to discover that no, it doesn't. We're on a free-trial here. A free-trial for love, or whatever."
"Okay, so let me ask you this. Would you renew your subscription?"
"Huh?"
Cayden leaned forward a bit more. "The free-trials. You usually still have to put in all your credit card information and sign up with your personal info. Then, you can binge Euphoria. But once HBO's 7-day trial is up, you either have to cancel, so they don't charge your credit card like, I don't know, 12 bucks a month, or you decide, 'you know what? This HBO thing is kinda great', and then you decide to pay the 12 bucks a month and keep your subscription. So in terms of your free-trial for love with Clay, what would you do?"
"Renew it," I said. I didn't have to contemplate it. I didn't know why Cayden was asking me these questions. "Do you not think I like Clay or something?"
"No, I do," Cayden said. "I just don't know if you're in it as much as he is."
I scoffed and stood up. Yeah, I was feeling real defensive now. Because he was calling into question my entire character, and I didn't ask for this today. "Because why? I'm texting my ex-boyfriend who happened to be my friend first? The guy who really heavily impacted my life and I just want to talk to? As friends?"
"Tyler, don't get mad." Cayden sighed. "I'm not trying to accuse you of anything. You know that I'm just protective, and I know that Clay kind of ... feels strong feelings a lot, and he wants something solid. Something truthful–"
"The way I feel about Clay is truthful. I really fucking like him. He's basically perfect," I said. "And don't you think Clay can take care of himself? He's a fucking adult just like you are. He's got a mind of his own, and you don't have to look after him and baby him just because you're afraid of him getting hurt. The last thing I want to do is hurt anybody, let alone him."
I was full-on raging now, and I knew what was going to come next. I could always feel the moment my slight anger dipped into complete rage and madness, and I couldn't be anywhere near Cayden or a semi-crowded coffee shop when that happened. Cayden didn't deserve to see the aftermath of my slight anger, even if he was the one I was mad at right now.
There was something about the way he'd started the entire conversation, and gone about explaining himself. I knew he was concerened about Clay, cared about him a lot. But he was implying that texting Alexander was not being truthful with Clay, and I needed to know if he was thinking what I really, really didn't want him to think.
"Do you think that I'd hurt Clay?" I asked, leaving out the optional add-ins like: 'because I'm not as ready for commitment', 'because sometimes my bad emotions get too strong', or, the real winner, 'because Clay's inherently good, and I'm just not'.
And then Cayden shrugged. And he said, "I think you're capable, yes. But I don't think you'd do it on purpose, not at all. I know you're not a bad person, Tyler, not a cruel one. I just–I just think he deserves, I don't know ... the absolute best."
I didn't hear the middle part, though. All I heard was the beginning and end. Yes, he said, he believed I was capable of hurting Clay. And yes, he said, he thought Clay deserved the absolute best. Because apparently, I wasn't even close to the absolute best.
The anger dissipated mostly. I was just kind of ... blank. I'd grown to really like Cayden, and knew I could count on him. I also knew that he was wise, a voice of reason in most cases. But this just downright hurt. He thought that I could hurt Clay and likely, that I would end up doing it anyway. I'd hurt so many people in the past, I didn't like to think of it. My anger had always been the cause, but now he was saying that maybe my genuine care for people would hurt them, too. That maybe I couldn't win.
And that's why I had to get out of there as quick as fucking possible. That's how I left my goddamn backpack in the café and ran out, ignoring Cayden calling my name.
It was an unbearable sprint back to my apartment.
✿✿✿
Once again, I'd taken my work home and was still planning a client's wedding after my technical hours were up. Sometimes I just couldn't stop, even when I left the office. Weddings were just so magical and required a lot of effort in the planning department. I was drawing a sketch of what the couple wanted their cake to look like when Cayden came over. His appearance was unexpected, but I was glad to have company.
He came in and immediately started to make dinner. I didn't really know what he was making, but there was rice in there somewhere.
"Jeremy and Rose are having a bonding dinner out tonight," Cayden said while he took a pot and boiled water. "Thought you could use some company."
"Me and my cake drawing love company!" I exclaimed. "How was work? Did you see Tyler? He said he was studying there today, so I assume you saw him."
"Work was fine, and yes, Tyler was there," Cayden said.
At this point, I wasn't paying much attention to my cake sketch anymore. Mostly, I wanted to talk to Cayden about Tyler. I'd wanted to text him myself an hour ago, but then I got caught up with my extra work after work, and my cake sketch, and I totally spaced it. I could've texted him now, but I wanted the gossip first, you know? Cayden was great for gossip. Jeremy was even better, mostly because he was always super dramatic. But still.
Cayden poured uncooked rice into the boiling water and covered it with a lid, then moved onto chopping a selection of vegetables.
"I actually wanted to talk to you about Tyler. That's one of the reasons I came over," Cayden said.
"Oh, really?" I was surprised and a little confused, but I was listening.
"I know that I've been skeptical in the past, and I've been open about it with you. In terms of your relationship with Tyler and all. I've always been protective of you because I know you deserve the absolute best," Cayden said. "And I know that you've had more faith in Tyler than I have, even though he's my friend now, and I care about him, too."
"Are you going to tell me why you think this thing between us won't work again?" I asked, frowning. That was the last thing I wanted to hear. The very very last.
"No, not at all. My point is ... I shouldn't have said those things to you. I think Tyler is great, and if you like him, then you should really go for it," Cayden said. I perked up.
He moved away from the counter and pulled an envelope out of his pocket, handing it to me across the counter.
"So I got these for you. You and Tyler, that is."
I slowly ripped open the envelope, pulling out 2 smaller pieces of paper. My eyes widened and a grin spread across my face.
"Concert tickets!" I looked up at Cayden. "For tomorrow night? I can't believe it! You mean this?"
Cayden shrugged and smiled back at me. "I think you're amazing, the most wonderful person, and if Tyler is who you trust and want to be with, then you should. And also, I couldn't resist. I thought this concert would be perfect. Just keep it a secret and surprise Tyler. I think it would be pretty romantic."
I sprung up from my stool and ran over to the other side of the counter, pulling Cayden in for a hug.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you for understanding!"
I knew I didn't need Cayden to give me his blessing or anything, and I knew that he liked Tyler when it came down to it. But I could admit it still felt good to know that Cayden was over thinking Tyler wasn't right for me. And this proved it. Concert tickets that I could use with Tyler were going to be perfect, and I was so glad that Cayden could understand how much I liked Tyler, and support me.
Besides, I loved concerts. Maybe Tyler did, too.
✿✿✿
Me later tonight ^^^
Hey bitches, I said there'd be some d-r-a-m-a. And here we are, Mr. Cayden is CALLING OUT our boy Tyler. So lemme know if y'all are on Caydens side, or if you think he's being a dick.
And cute little Clay is just being his adorable self as per usual. But now he's got concert tickets, woo! To a random concert! Surprise!!!!
Teehee.
I mean, y'all can probably already guess but I'm obviously gonna leave it for next chapter. SO ILL SEE YOU FRIDAY FOR A FUNNNNN TIMEEEEE.