JANUARY 17TH
Dear Sophia,
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I do. I promise. I really love you. I know it might not seem like it but I really do. It kills me to think that you might think I forgot about you for a couple of days. That’s not what happened. I promise it’s not. I love you. I don’t ever want to let you down. I’m so sorry.
I was there today. I was I promise. I didn’t see you and I waited all day. I did. All I want to do is see you and let you know that everything’s ok. I want to make sure you’re ok. Now I think about it maybe it’s a good thing you weren’t in today. Maybe it means you weren’t in the last couple of days either. Maybe I didn’t let you down. I hope so. I really hope so. If you’re still not back then I don’t need to worry. I’ve been so worried you needed me over the last couple of days and I let you down. If you needed me and I wasn’t there I’ll be devastated. I’m so sorry. I love you. If you weren’t there today because I let you down the last couple of days I’ll never forgive myself. If you think I forgot about you I don’t know what I’ll do. That’s not what happened at all. Sophia. I love you. I promise. I didn’t mean to do anything wrong. I hope you’re still away in the sun somewhere nice. I really do. It’s the only time I’ll ever hope you’re somewhere far away. I keep picturing you walking into Starbucks looking for me and me not being there. It’s so sad. It makes me so sad. I’m so ashamed Sophia. I just want to see you. I can’t sit at home feeling ashamed. I have to make sure that I make everything ok. I’ll be there again tomorrow and I’ll be there next week too. I’ll be there until you’re there. I’ll be there whenever you need me and I’ll be there even if you don’t need me just in case something happens.
I keep looking at your name on the calendar. Your name is there for yesterday with a question mark next to it. It’s still a question mark. I don’t know if you were there or not. That’s the worst thing. Not knowing is worse than anything.
I was really upset on Tuesday. That’s how it started. I was really really upset. I felt awful. I know that doesn’t make it ok but I have to be honest with you. I was at Starbucks waiting for you and after a while I felt like you weren’t coming back on purpose. I felt terrible. I felt useless. I went straight home and got in bed and felt like I couldn’t get up ever again. I took your picture down from over the bed because I felt like you didn’t want to look at me. I didn’t understand why you weren’t there. I needed to see you and I wanted to be there for you and I felt like you didn’t understand. I know that was wrong of me. Of course it was wrong. I won’t ever doubt you Sophia. I can’t doubt us. If there’s one thing I can rely on it’s you. Us. I can trust us. We’re perfect. I feel so lucky to have you Sophia I just want to make it up to you.
I keep looking at the calendar. There’s your name right under the sixteen and I don’t know how you were. I don’t know where you were. I don’t know if you needed me. The sixteenth. The sixteenth of January. That’s when it happened Sophia. That’s when my mum died. The sixteenth of January. Seeing it on the calendar with your name and a question mark made it even worse. Yesterday I took the calendar down too. After I took the photo down I couldn’t stop looking at the calendar so I had to take it down as well. I just laid in bed thinking how you didn’t want to see me anymore. I kept thinking how alone I was. I know that was stupid of me but I was really upset. I’m trying now though. I’m trying to make it better again. I got up this morning and put the calendar back up. I put your picture back where it was and your smile let me know I was doing the right thing. Now I keep checking the photo and the calendar just to make sure they’re still up. As long as they’re there I know everything will be ok. As long as I can see your smile. As long as I can see your name next to tomorrow everything will be ok. Everything will be ok.
I love you.
Yours,
Andrew