1| Passion and Commitment
THERE are 5 vital organs essential for survival in the human body, one of those being the heart. An organ that, besides being the base of human survival, is associated with one of the biggest, most enchanting feelings in the universe, a feeling that can only be summed up into one 4-letter word:
Love.
I learned a lot from Noah's lecture about love. He taught a seminar at several colleges in Georgia, covering a wide range of psychological topics (from mental illnesses to the base of human emotion), and he asked me to come to one tonight. It was, of course, a lecture that covered the psychological basis of human emotion, and more specifically why humans loved. I hadn't understood why Noah wanted me to come to his seminar considering I'd been out of college for a while, but when I realized love was involved, it all clicked and I was happy to listen.
Noah was, for some reason, becoming very invested in my love life. I didn't really mind it because it just meant that I got to spend more time with Noah. His voice in the auditorium was loud and magnified by a microphone and booming sound system, and he sounded nothing if not completely professional and etched towards being a genius. I always thought of Noah (and Logan, his wife) as a genius.
I listened wholeheartedly as Noah gave his presentation and answered questions from the audience. Students, both young and old, were eager to raise their hands and ask Noah about his view on the topic being discussed. A young girl asked why some dudes were douchebags. An older man asked if love was a real concept, or if it was a myth (to which Noah responded, "Love is the realest human emotion, sir. It couldn't be a myth even if you wanted to believe so. But why would you when it's so magical?"). Noah was great.
After the seminar ended, I waited where Noah told me to: just outside of the auditorium and against the white brick wall of the campus store. He came out about 15 minutes after the seminar ended and told me he'd had to answer about 10 more questions as fast as he could, and some of the younger college girls tried flirting with him.
"Happily married," Noah said, waving his ring finger in the air as we left the building to head to the outside part of the campus. "Even though I'm a total catch."
We ended up getting ice cream, my favorite kind was cookie dough, and sitting down on a comfortable bench underneath a tree on the quad while students taking evening classes walked around the campus.
"It takes 2 to 4 minutes to fall in love with someone," Noah said while I focused on putting together the best scoop of ice cream to shove into my mouth. The best scoop, obviously, had at least 4 pieces of cookie dough. "You could totally fall in love at first sight. You remember the theory I mentioned?"
I tried to think back, but unless I was taking notes and studying, it was kind of hard for me to remember most things. "Something about rectangles?"
Noah shook his head and chuckled. "The triangular theory of love, PC. Passion, commitment, and intimacy."
"PC..." I muttered, and as soon as I said it, my eyes lit up. "PASSION AND COMMITMENT!"
"Don't forget intimacy," Noah said, "though, I'm not sure where that fits into your name... Anyway, keep your head in the game! I asked you here, you know, to give you a little psychological insight. So you can fall in love."
"But... How are triangles supposed to help me fall in love?" I asked.
Noah sighed. "I just want you to find someone, PC. You know that, right?"
I nodded. Because I knew he was sincere. He wanted me to find love just as much as everyone else did. I knew he invited me to his seminar because talking in terms of psychology was the easiest way for him to explain things to me even if I was kind of lost when it came to most of the concepts. He was doing it all out of a good heart.
"You're trying to help me find my very own Kat Stratford," I said, then furrowed my eyebrows, suddenly confused and conflicted. "Or Patrick Verona."
"You can have either," Noah said, nudging my shoulder comfortingly.
My sexuality was still a weird thing for me to talk about, sometimes to even think about. I basically came out to my friends by signing up for a dating app, but I hadn't legitimately talked to any of them about it. Word of mouth from Cayden and the others had just spread to the rest of the friend group and before I knew it, everyone else knew about my possible bisexuality. Actually, my confirmed bisexuality which was still confusing to me. No one needed me to sit down and have a huge heart-to-heart about the entire thing, which was comforting as much as it was still a bit odd.
What made things even more conflicting was the incident last year at the graduation party I'd planned in Newport Beach for a graduating senior class. When I had accidentally ran into a guy named Tyler and dropped all of my rubber ducks. He had helped me pick them up and when I finally got a good look at him, I felt butterflies flutter around in my stomach, a new sensation. It was the first (and only) time that a guy had kissed me, and his imperfect slightly chapped lips and rough hands caught me off guard when I compared it to the feeling of kissing Gracie, the only girl I'd ever kissed and person I'd ever dated. But one thing was clear from that point on:
I was definitely attracted to guys.
I had thought about the incident with Tyler from Newport nearly every day since it happened; I thought about how he was a dude and I was a dude and I was very attracted to him and his lips and his hands that had wandered to the back of my neck, into my hair, and then trailed down my chest and sent a wave of an undeniable and unparalleled flutter throughout my entire body.
And thinking about my attraction towards another guy, my mind switched thoughts:
If I married a man, then I would have the same problem as Cayden and Jeremy with having kids. I didn't have any eggs. I would've suggested running to the supermarket to get some, but Logan had recently explained to me that eggs in reference to having children were a very different thing than the eggs you buy at a store. It was still an odd concept for me to grasp fully, but she gave me a whole powerpoint presentation and now I knew that the eggs I scrambled for breakfast were not the same eggs that brought a child's life to the world.
All this reminded me that I needed to add eggs to my weekly grocery list.
"The psychology of love is tricky, PC," Noah said. "Just look at Logan and me. Yikes, right? I can make crude jokes and even when she yells at me to shut up, I know she's only joking. Until she isn't, but I've learned to spot the difference between the playful Logan and the one that actually wants to kill me. But I know she'll love me no matter what."
I sighed and set my empty ice cream cup to the side, then leaned forward and planted my face in between my hands. "See? That's the type of love I want. You guys have it all. Undeniable chemistry, couple goal Instagram accounts, and a literal child and perfect home."
"You want children?"
I shrugged. I liked kids. "Maybe. The egg part always gets me, though."
Noah rolled his eyes and reached over to pat my shoulder. "We would help you figure out the egg thing, PC. You'd make a great dad. The point here is that you're one of the best guys I've ever met, and I want you to have everything that you want and deserve. We all want that for you. You rooted for me and Logan when we were assholes back in high school, and you rooted for Cayden and Jeremy and Savannah and Charlie. You rooted for everyone, Clay. It's time we all sat back and rooted for your own love story."
I smiled warmly, thinking of my own love story, and sat back up in my seat, looking out towards campus and the view of Downtown Atlanta in the distance.
I loved Atlanta, I really did. I'd grown up in Georgia and it was one of my favorite places in the world. My favorite place was probably the 7-11 on the drive from Georgia to Florida. (Trust me. There is a very specific 7-11 that just shines above the others.) I would always pick up puffy Cheetos and corn dogs when I made my way through there.
"You haven't been on any dates yet, have you?"
I shook my head. I think it had been just around 4 days since I signed up for the dating app, Myxr. Though, I hadn't actually activated my account yet. The profile was all set up, but I had to do some email-confirmation thing in order for my account to actually be shown on the page. And then I would start getting matches and whatnot. For now, I still was just on-edge.
Noah pretty much read my mind. "You didn't activate it yet, did you?"
I shook my head again, this time a little embarrassed.
Noah held out his hand. "Give me your phone."
"But ... what if it's a mistake?" I asked. "What if this dating app ends up being some Illuminati scheme to kill me?"
"And why would the Illuminati want to kill you? They're clearly only interested in celebrities," Noah said.
"I'm a celebrity in my own world," I muttered jokingly. "In the event planning business, I'm a celebrity. Especially the wedding planning business."
"If you're a celebrity in the wedding planning business, then I must be a celebrity in the psychopharmacology business," Noah said, motioning once again for me to hand him my phone. I sighed and handed it over.
Noah unlocked my phone (I really needed to change my password because ever since Freshman year of high school, it had been INEVITABLE PORKCHOP. Sometimes I even forgot how to spell inevitable. Thank goodness for face ID).
He slid open to my email and quickly clicked the Myxr email, then confirmed my account. He opened the app and scooted closer to me so that we could both look at the screen. Noah grinned over at me as the screen loaded and faces started popping up.
"See? This is the fun part. It's basically a game," Noah said. "You can swipe right if you like them, swipe left if you're uninterested. Automatically, there'll be a prompt that pops up in your inbox and you both answer it. You can keep talking or you can totally ghost each other. Easy!"
"You sound like you know how to use that app too well," I said.
Noah laughed. "I only use it when I think that Logan might finally snap and kill me. Then, I'll find a new wife and move to a completely different country." Of course, I knew he was joking.
"Like you could find a better wife," I muttered, then sighed again.
Noah looked back at me, noticing the clear green envy all over my face. "Clay, what Logan and I have wasn't easy to build. If you recall, we wanted to kill each other for 3 years before we were finally like, 'Maybe it's been sexual tension this entire time'. You have to give this app a shot, and if it doesn't work, we can say screw the app. Who knows if it works or if it's a piece of shit? It could literally just be a hook-up app."
"What's a hook-up app?"
Noah smiled and patted my head this time. "Sometimes you are just too innocent for your own good. We'll find you someone, Porkchop. It'll just take some time, patience, and maybe some experimental dates."
I sighed while I looked at the home screen of the app, pictures of girl's faces as well as guy's faces covering the screen with a red minus sign on the left and a green plus sign on the right.
Swiping for love kind of seemed wrong because love seemed too strong to be game-like as Noah said. But I was going to give it a shot despite everything holding me back. I wanted love. I wanted my own fairytale love story. I was going to get it because I was determined to.
And maybe it all started with a swipe?
✿✿✿
I should have been sleeping, and I was completely aware of that. Tomorrow morning, I had an important meeting with my client, Amber, who I was throwing a baby shower for. And since she worked as a summer school teacher and wasn't yet on maternity leave (which I'd also just learned was a thing), we had to meet super early at 5:45 at the Starbucks between her school and the grocery store. I didn't mind getting up early if it meant getting to treat myself to a drink from Starbucks, but it was still hours earlier than I usually woke up, and that, I knew, was going to hurt a little.
But it was 1 in the morning, and I couldn't sleep.
After we finished our ice cream, Noah and I went back to my place to have dinner. Noah had helped me swipe left and right on a bunch of people. But then he had to go home and get back to Logan and his daughter, leaving me to do the swiping and prompt-answering all on my own.
Some of the prompts were easy like: What color describes you and why? or What is your job and why did you choose it? Those were easy because, like, obviously I was yellow. Yellow was happy and fresh and loyal. And I chose my job because I loved to make other people happy. And I really liked to make things more aesthetically pleasing. It was one of my talents, or so I'd been told.
I was stuck awake because I hadn't been able to stop swiping since Noah left. It was a little addicting. And also, I'd gotten quite a few matches, but none of them piqued my interest. Maybe I just was too picky. But really, I didn't think I was that picky. I just didn't want to go on a date with a girl who worked as a high-school math teacher just so she could yell at idiot students (that was literally written in her profile). That didn't exactly match my vibe. And it's not like I wasn't open-minded, it was just that half the people I matched with also ignored the prompt and went straight to saying sexual things. It took me about 10 minutes to figure out what a hook-up app meant, something Noah had mentioned earlier, and I came to the conclusion that I waned nothing to do with a mere hook-up app.
But then. After swiping left more than a dozen times, I came across a profile that stuck out to me:
Oliver, 22
Attending UGA for anthropology.
Interested in classic films, classic books, and of course, classical music. Oh, who am I kidding? I get down to Ariana Grande on the weekends.
My face practically lit up. Ariana Grande on the weekends? I had a dance party listening to her music at least once a month. Then, there was the rest of his bio:
I bake a lot in my free time (it doesn't mean I'm good). And if you bring me a double-chocolatey-chip frappuccino from Starbucks, we're all game.
The pictures of Oliver were all very cute. Freckles were dotted all over his face and he had dark brown hair that looked perfectly styled and sleek. Oliver also kind of looked like he was still in high school, but maybe he was just one of those young-looking people who stayed forever young despite aging.
Or maybe that meant he was a vampire and really didn't age. And I didn't really want to date a vampire, but if he looked like Robert Pattinson (outside of the Twilight movies, of course because really, those movies didn't do him any justice) I wouldn't complain.
I knew I was attracted to Oliver from his profile, but a sudden panic overcame me and I couldn't make the decision whether or not I should swipe right. So I whipped open my texts:
____________________
Group Message Thread
rainbow beyotches
[1:16am]
CLAY: Should I swipe on a cute boy named Oliver?
CAYDEN: more deets pls
JEREMY: always a yes if his name is oliver! we've all seen cmbyn. oh to have your very own oliver...
CAYDEN: jare, i AM your oliver and we are lying in the SAME bed.
JEREMY: THIS IS NOT ABOUT US (also you're elio)
CAYDEN: HA! no way
CLAY: Cayden is definitely Oliver. Can we go back to my question?
JEREMY: more deets, like cay said
CLAY: He goes to UGA for anthropology, likes classic movies/books/everything, listens to ariana, and enjoys starbucks frappucinos
JEREMY: you lost me at classic books.
CAYDEN: true but ARIANA. that's redeeming
CLAY: He's got cute freckles
JEREMY: !!!
JEREMY: WELL WHY DIDN'T YA SAY SO
JEREMY: just swipe, see what happens
CLAY: Ok I'm gonna swipe
CLAY: Sorry for texting so early I didn't know if I could make the choice on my own...
CLAY: Why are you up?
CAYDEN: erm... we were... watching a movie?
JEREMY: LMAO good one
JEREMY: we were aggressively cuddling
CLAY: Ouchy, why would you cuddle aggressively? Isn't cuddling supposed to be all soft and stuff?
JEREMY: oh there was nothing SOFT about this cuddling sesh. strictly HARD.
CAYDEN: okay GNITE porkchop, we love you, you're gonna KILL the dating app game, and we'll see you soon?
CLAY: Night guys : ) Thanks
JEREMY: NIGHT. if you need me, i'll be bringing an al dente noodle to the spaghetti house.
____________________
I exited my texts, thinking about why Jeremy would be going to a spaghetti house at almost 2 in the morning...
I swiped right and matched with Oliver, but before I could read the prompt, there was a knock at my door. Confused, I stood up with just my sweatpants on and went to open it up, coming face-to-face with Cayden. He yawned but smiled when he saw me and walked right into my apartment. It was definitely a pro living next door to Cayden and Jeremy.
"Did Jeremy leave to the spaghetti house?" I asked.
Cayden choked and sat down on my couch. "Erm... no, he's gonna go some other time. I just thought I'd come over and see how you're doing."
"I'm fine. Just ... trying to swipe."
Cayden nodded. "And you decided to swipe on Oliver?" he asked and I nodded. "What was holding you back? You know, like ... Why did you need a second opinion if you seemed to find such good things about him?"
I shrugged and looked down. "It's like ... my first time on a dating app. And stuff."
Cayden nodded knowingly, then sighed. "You know, when I realized I was gay, I was in eighth grade. I was doing a partner project with this guy in my class, his name was Jack Semen."
"That's kind of an unfortunate name," I said.
"His middle name was Goff."
I cackled. "Jack ... Goff Semen?
Cayden waved his hand at me. "Yeah, it's not a cute name. But boy was he cute," he said. "Anyway. We were working on this project and then it happened. He needed to borrow my eraser, and as I was handing my pencil over to him, our hands brushed. He obviously ignored it, but I felt like I'd been electrocuted or something. In a good way. That was when I realized I was gay. It was that simple for me."
"You were gay for Jack Goff Semen," I said, unable to contain my laughter. Now, I didn't fully understand all the sexual jokes or innuendos, but when I did, I had a good laugh. And this was pretty great.
Cayden laughed, too. "I was gay for Jack Goff Semen, yes. The point is ... I was so nervous. I had never felt that way about a guy before. I always thought girls were for boys, boys were for girls. No other way. Until that day. And I was so nervous to, like, open myself up in high school and go on my first date with a dude. I think I almost backed out about 10 times before I urged myself to man up and grow a pair of balls. I liked balls, I said. So I went and balls I received.
"What I'm trying to say is that even though this is your first time, and it could be with this Oliver guy ... you don't have to back down because you're afraid of balls," Cayden said in an oddly motivational manner. "Just swipe right and see what happens. Maybe you won't be afraid of balls for much longer. You know, they aren't so bad when you finally grasp them."
Grasp the balls.
I took a deep breath and nodded in response to Cayden's advice. But even though there was truth in the fact that he was being oddly motivational, there was something else I hadn't told him. Or anyone for that matter. Something else that mattered because I had already grasped the balls once before, so to speak.
Nobody knew that I wasn't waiting on my first time with a guy. Because there was Tyler. He was suddenly back in my thoughts.
I had spent 3 days around him after we first kissed ... Though, nothing too serious happened. So while everyone thought I hadn't yet experienced anything with a guy before, I knew the truth was that I'd experienced a decent amount with a guy before for 3 consecutive days a year ago.
I knew I remembered Tyler because he was my first experience, because kissing him completely unraveled me, because from that point on I realized just how much I liked the rough feel of another guy's hands on me. We had parted ways after those days, though, and it seemed right that we had. Tyler had been incredibly intimidating (hot, yes) and I didn't think I could match up with someone quite like him.
Cayden got my phone and opened the app, reading the prompt aloud, "What is the worst gift you have ever received?" He snorted. "That is the dumbest prompt on the face of this planet. This app needs to get better questions."
I thought of my answer while internally listening to Cayden's pep-talk again and assuring myself that I could do this. I'd done it before and I could do it again, just for real this time.
✿✿✿
Us @ Porkchop ^^^
He is so precious. So adorable. We love him. WE ARE GLAD TO SEE HIM BACK!!!
Yes, our boy Clay aka Porkchop and a lot of others from Better Than You are back and T H R I V I N G.
Our man has joined a dating app, he's looking for a FOREVER LOVE. And we just cannot wait to see who he finds...
I thought I'd give y'all this chapter. Because yeah. Hopefully I come up with an actual posting schedule BUT I am trying to work on 2 books at once... and it's gonna take a minute to figure that out. But hey! Here we are : )
Regardless IM SO EXCITED TO GIVE THIS TO YOU! ILY ALL. This is gonna be fun. Buckle up bitchesssss