Dear Sophia,
I love you.
I know tomorrow you’ll probably be wondering where I am. Once I explain I think you’ll understand. The last couple of days I’ve felt really good about us. I haven’t been worried about you. I’ve just felt completely safe and like everything is how it needs to be. I think it’s important I do everything I can to make sure everything is how it should be.
I was already pretty certain I’d go when I woke up this morning but once I saw you I knew it’s what I had to do. You looked really secure and confident. I know I don’t need to worry about you. I know you’ll be fine tomorrow. I need to show you I have that same strength and you don’t need to worry about me either.
I guess I was a bit afraid of coming. Maybe not afraid but just like it’d be easier to avoid it. It didn’t feel right. Then something clicked in my head. It didn’t feel right because it wasn’t happening how I wanted it to happen. I had to take charge of the situation. So that’s what I’m doing. Tomorrow morning I’ll be there and I’ll say bye to him and he’ll be gone. He won’t have abandoned me. I’ll be choosing to say goodbye to him and then he’ll be gone and I’ll come back to you and nothing will have changed.
You have this real purpose when you walk. You look really confident. Not arrogant though. You still look elegant. I tried to look the same way when I got on the train this afternoon. I came straight from seeing you to the station. I don’t think I needed to bring anything. I have a tie in my coat pocket as I’ll probably need to wear a tie but that’s about it. It might not even be necessary to wear a tie to a funeral but if everyone else does I want to stand out as little as possible. I don’t want any attention when I’m there.
I found the church pretty easily. I’ve never been here before but it wasn’t too hard to find my way around. I followed the instructions in the letter to find the church and then I just walked until I found the nearest hotel. I didn’t let anyone know I’ll be there tomorrow. I didn’t want anyone offering to let me stay for the night or trying to talk to me about him.
I can hear the people next door. They must be having a party or something. I can hear music and crashing and laughing and shouting. Maybe it’s just someone with their T.V up really loud. Either way it’s really inconsiderate of them. I guess that’s what you get when you stay somewhere cheap like this. The rooms even look awful in the adverts on T.V and that must be them at their best. All the colours in here are really dull and faded and the room feels completely cold and lifeless. That’s probably a good thing tonight though. I don’t want this to be something memorable. I just want it to feel like something I’m getting done. It’s just a thing. Saying goodbye to someone who never said goodbye to me. Putting them away forever. Then it’ll all be over and I can put all my effort into getting everything else exactly how I want it.
I know you’ll be alright tomorrow.
I love you.
Yours,
Andrew