Matt
I'm utterly speechless. Eighteen weeks. I pull the sheet up with curious eyes to look at her stomach and she begins to laugh. "I'm not really showing, Matt. Wait..." She moves down and lays flat on her back. "Here, this." pointing at a little bump on her lower stomach. "is all."
I don't know, it's really hard to see. "You're not pulling my leg, are you? My stomach is more bloated than that when I need to take a dump."
She takes my hand and puts it on the little bump. "No, I'm not pulling your leg. This is normal growth and it's yours."
In thought, I rub my hand over her stomach. It's like she can read my mind when she says. "I understand it if you're having a hard time believing me, after Alita. That's why I didn't want to tell you over the phone."
I chew on the inside of my cheek and Nova sighs. She sits up straight and pulls the sheets back over her naked body. " We can schedule a telephonic appointment with my practitioner if the pictures aren't enough. And maybe you'll be able to come with me when I have another ultrasound at twenty-three weeks. We can find out the sex and you'll see with your own eyes that I'm not lying. That's only if you want, of course..."
There's hurt in her last words and I feel bad about it. Call it a feeling, call it the voice on your shoulder. There is something that prevents me from surrendering to the idea that I will become a father and it makes me unable to submit to the feeling of total happiness. Which I would like, Though. This should be a moment you want to shout and tell the world, but I can't.
I can tell Nova didn't expect this as my reaction either, staring straight ahead of her. "Babe, I'm sorry. It's that.."
She dismisses me and steps out of the bed, wrapping herself in one of the sheets. She doesn't look at me when she says she understands, but I can hear that her emotions are getting the best of her. She picks up her backpack and disappears into the bathroom.
I grunt loud when I hear the water run from the shower. This should be something you'll celebrate. Once again, Alita managed to destroy a special moment for us. I wonder how many times she will come back to hunt me.
Nova gives me a half-hearted smile when she comes out of the bathroom, fully dressed. "I think I'll go."
What? I jump out of bed and I can hear her swallow when I reach out to her. "Sweety, please don't be like this. I have to eat in the community dining room, but I'll bring something to eat for you when I come back."
"No, it's okay. You don't have to do that." She walks around me, puts her jacket on, and flings her backpack over her shoulder. "I think I'm going to do some sightseeing and I'll let you know when the telephonic appointment will take place."
She gives me a peck on the cheek. On the bloody cheek! And I'm rooted to the spot when she turns around and walks out without saying goodbye.
"Nova!" I call after her and catch her just before she closes the front door. "Are you coming back today?"
"I don't think so. There's no reason for me to stay here. You have your schedule and me... I think I need a moment for myself after your reaction."
She refuses for me to hug her and my stomach contracts painfully. "Sweety...."
Her knuckles turn white, gripping tight onto the straps of her backpack."I understand that you feel you need proof and I'm trying to give you that."
I watch her eyes get glassy and how she does her best not to break in front of me. "Matt, I know this has nothing to do with me but it hurts. I know that it's my fault. You have the right to be suspicious when your ex shows up out of the blue, asking for another chance and dropping a huge bomb by telling she's pregnant. So please, I understand you need what you need, but understand that I need time too."
*
It's more than a week since Nova left my apartment. I feel like such a douchebag. She's all alone in a country where she doesn't know anyone and I can't get a hold of her. She texted me that she scheduled the appointment for tomorrow, Tuesday at eleven a.m and that she will come here. After that, she turned off her phone.
It dawned on me that I need to make an effort towards her. She took an unpaid leave from work and came all this way to avoid precisely this reaction from me and what do I, I call her a liar. It's understandable that I hurt her and I think I must be grateful that she didn't take the first flight home.
Every morning, I reached out to her and wanted to slap myself when I found nothing but empty sheets again. She left the pictures she brought with her in my bed. I don't know if she forgot them or she left them on purpose. I look at him or her every day and I noticed Nova's name is printed on each picture. This should have been enough for me to believe her.
Shooting was a drag. I forgot my lines and even ended up with a total black-out. Liv-Marie tried to help me by mouthing my lines, but seriously. If you have to take seven takes where Chriss is the main focus and you screw up the two lines you have to say. Well, it's a freaking lost case. I knew I better leave when one of the producers started to eat parts of the manuscript out of frustration.
I couldn't sleep either. After hours of tossing and turning, I pulled the pictures out of my nightstand and I kept on staring at the little human on them. I trace the contours of its small body and for the first time since she told me, I feel joy spreading through my body. That little one is half mine, half Nova's and it's going to be the most loved baby in the world.
I want to be there when she has her sonogram with twenty-three weeks, no matter if my producers agree with it or not. I want to see the look in her eyes when we find out the sex. I wonder if she prefers a boy or a girl. For selfish reasons, I hope it's a girl. My niece Emma is the sweetest and I know for a fact that most girls are real daddy's girls. Visa Versa with boys, they tend to lean more to their mothers.
I'm starting to get nervous when it's almost eleven and Nova still didn't arrive. Just relax Matt, she will come. I startle when the intercom in the hallway starts to ring and make a run to it. "Hello?"
"Mister Hartley. I have a woman here that won't go away. She says her name is Nova and she claims to be your girlfriend. She insists on seeing you. Do you want me to call the police?"
Relieved, I smile stupidly. "It's alright. You can let her in."
"As you wish, sir."
One minute before eleven she enters my apartment and walks straight past me. Hello Nova. How are you doing, Nova? I smile when she mutters some swear words and knowing her, that security guard must have had a really hard time. She quickly takes place on one of the couches and puts her mobile on the coffee table.
I make us some fresh mint tea and sit next to her. Her mobile starts to ring just as I'm about to say something. She accepts the call and I pull her closer to me and leave my arm around her. She gives me an irritated look, which I return with a smile and I manage to peck her lips before her practitioner starts to talk.
"Miss da Silva. I heard you are feeling worried. Tell me what is bothering you."
I frown, hearing a male voice. Aren't they all women? Nova ignores me and answers. "Yes, I'm worried that the baby isn't growing enough. I'm barely showing."
"Miss, that's perfectly normal. I know you are worried, losing your first baby after approximately twelve weeks. As I told you with your fifteen-week sonogram and after the result of your blood tests. Your little one is perfectly healthy and growing as it should be. Do you have any of the symptoms we have talked about?"
"Uhm, yes."
She has symptoms? I didn't even think about that. Automatically, I kiss her temple and she leans her body against mine.
"I must say that terrible nausea is gone. Sometimes, I feel a little light-headed when I lay down and I have a lot of leg cramps at the night. That's all, though."
"That's also perfectly normal. Some just show sooner than others, miss da Silva. Try not to compare yourself, alright. Soon enough you'll be able to feel you're baby move and if if you're really curious you can feel for yourself."
We both frown. "What do you mean?"
"Your baby is about the length of a cucumber and your uterus is around the size of a sweet potato right now. It can be felt about one-and-a-half inches below your belly button, so have a feel. I'll see you in four weeks miss da Silva and if you're feeling worried, don't hesitate to call me, Okay. "
"Thank you for your time, Doctor Albon."
"No problem, miss. Have a good day."
She closes her screen and turns my way. "Do you believe me now?"
"Nova, I'm a dick head. I realized I should have believed you from the moment you showed me the pictures. I'm sorry I didn't, I won't be so stupid again."
She leans her head against me and I feel her body relax. "I'm sorry, too." Suddenly, she jumps up, almost hitting her head against my jaw. "Do you want to try to feel it?"
Her enthusiasm is contagious. "Yes, let's try to feel my cucumber and your potato."
She playfully hits me and drags me to the bedroom. We do as her doctor told, with pants unbuttoned and her shirt half jerked up, we try to feel something one-and-a-half inches below her belly button.
"Do you feel something?" I shake my head no. What I'm I supposed to feel?
She starts poking herself as soon as I take my hand away. "Hey be careful!" I push her hand away and kiss her just under her belly button. "You don't want to give my little girl her first black eye."
She leans on her elbows to face me. "Your little girl?"
"Yes, I think it's a girl." Kissing her stomach again.
"And what if it's a boy?"
"It doesn't matter, sweetheart. It's ours."
I lay my head down on her stomach. Maybe I'm able to feel something like this. All I feel though is sleepy with Nova scratching my neck.
"Sweety? How long were you pregnant when you found out."
"About thirteen weeks, why?"
I sit up to look at her. "I was curious. Now I'm curious why you waited so long to tell me."
She pulls her shirt down and sighs. "I thought I had a stomach ulcer and you can imagine that it was a bit of shock when I found out that it wasn't. I needed time to sort things out. Did I want this child with us separated? Would it better be to have an abortion or should I raise it on my own? I really had a hard time deciding what to do and I took some stupid decisions to realize there was only one thing I want and that's to be with you."
It feels like I swallowed a rock." What do you mean? It took some stupid decisions?"
"Does it really matter?"
She looks uncomfortable and I need to know what she did. "Yes, what did you do?"
"You must understand that I didn't know that I was pregnant when I did it."
"Nova!"
"After you send me a text about missing me and leaving for Lapland, Dean send me one too. I was done with everything and I challenged him to meet me on Friday at scandalous. I wasn't thinking straight, Matt. The pain of missing you had become unbearable and I thought if I could get Dean mad enough, he would do what he'd come for at my parent's house. It would be my easy way out."
"You tried to get yourself killed? Are you bloody insane, Nova!"
"I'm sorry." She chokes. "I said I wasn't thinking straight. Without you, I felt there was no reason for me to be alive."
I rub my face in unbelieve. "But Nova. If you missed me that much and I told you I felt the same way, why didn't you text me back?"
Tears stream down her cheeks and she is trying to talk through her hiccups. "Because, I don't deserve you, Matt. You're too good for me. I destroyed everything between us when I choose to believe Alita over you. I had to set you free and let you find someone who deserves you. Who makes you happy. Someone without all the baggage. Don't you understand?"
No, I don't understand. An awful feeling wraps around my heart and the rock in my stomach feels like a whole mountain."When did you find out that you are pregnant?"
She rubs away some tears and straightens her back. "The day after that."
I nod my head and I do hope I'm wrong, but I fear her answer. "So if I understand correctly. Without your pregnancy, you'll never have come back to me?"
Whoops, that couldn't have gone more wrong!
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Xoxo Gabriëlla